


Broken

by TheInsanelyCoolHorseNerd



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: F/F, F/M, LIKE SUPER LONG, M/M, Murder-Suicide, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, Slow Plotline, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, This fic is Gonna be Super Long
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-02-07 18:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 45,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheInsanelyCoolHorseNerd/pseuds/TheInsanelyCoolHorseNerd
Summary: What happens when all the characters of Dear Evan Hansen, Heathers, and Be More Chill go to high school together?Well....It’s senior year for Carmen Dylan and things are about to get very interesting. She meets Connor Murphy, the boy that everyone stays away from and her world changes. But not for the better. Between a broken leg and a letter that was never supposed to be seen suddenly getting exposed, Carmen has enough going on. But then everything soon spirals out of control as the popular students start mysteriously disappearing one by one and a new drug gets students acting stranger than normal.





	1. Chapter 1

“Come on Jared! Can you be any slower? We’re going to be late for class.” Evan, Jared, and I are standing by Jared’s car waiting for him to finish rummaging in the trunk for god knows what.

“It’s not like we’re going to get in trouble with you two castaways,” Jared says, indicating the cast on my leg and Evan’s arm, before finally closing and locking up his car. We make our way to the front door, me barely able to keep up.

“Well sorry for wanting to be punctual for the first day of senior year,” I say, allowing Evan to help me up the stairs. “Speaking of, Evan are you finally going to talk to Zoe this year?” Evan turns beat red as we turn the corner into the hallway, opening his mouth to stutter a response.

“Oh hey Connor. Love the new hair length. Very school shooter chic,” Jared abruptly comments, causing Evan and I to look up from my attempt at a conversation.

Standing in the middle of the hallway was the notorious Connor Murphy who just happened to be shooting daggers at the insanely stupid Jared Kleinman. His said brown hair is now a frizzy mess of curls that just barely brushes his shoulders, framing his sharp yet elegantly crafted cheekbones. Every time I see him, it’s like he’s gotten six inches taller. Of course the black skinny jeans that he always wears doesn’t help matters. I notice that he is also wearing his signature brown jacket too. I snap out of it when I realize that Connor has been glaring at us for at least a full minute. 

“I was kidding…it was a joke,” Jared says into the too silent hallway.

“Yeah, no. It was funny. I’m laughing can’t you tell?” When none of us says anything, he takes a threatening step forward. I instinctively grab Evan’s wrist, pulling him with me backward, letting Jared face Connor’s wrath. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Even Jared looks terrified now. He flings out his arm, gesturing to Connor. “You’re such a freak.” Then he’s gone, racing off to our first period physics class, leaving Evan and I alone with Connor. Evan looks back at where Jared was standing minutes before. The fact that Connor was able to scare Jared that shitless brings a small smile to my face. It was quickly wiped away when nervous laughter suddenly bubbles out of Evan, catching Connor’s attention.

“What are you fucking laughing at?!”

“W-what?” I feel Evan start to retreat in himself.

“Stop fucking laughing. You think I’m the freak? I’m not the freak. You’re the fucking freak!” I see Connor start to advance and without thinking I leap in front of Evan, shoving him out of the way. He shouts a warning but it’s too late. Connor barrels into me, slamming me hard into the lockers. My head spins and despite my efforts to keep myself upright, I tumble to the ground. 

I hiss in pain as I feel my leg get severely jarred in it’s cast. Connor, about to flee in anger, pauses, standing uncertainly in the hallway. I scrunch my eyes and clench my jaw to keep myself from screaming as tears start to prickle at the corners of my eyes. Evan hovers by my side, wanting to help but not sure how without hurting me further. 

“Connor!” Someone shouts from the other end of the hallway. I open my eyes, glancing toward Connor only to find that he has already disappeared down the hallway. I turn to find Zoe Murphy rushing towards us. Evan tenses beside me, twisting and fisting his right hand in his blue striped shirt. Zoe crouches on my other side, slipping her arm under mine. Her and Evan gently heave me up, allowing me to lean on them for support. Once I’m back on my feet or should I say foot now that I can’t put any weight on my injured leg, Evan tenses again. But I know it’s not because of me.

“I’m sorry about my brother, I saw him push you. He’s a psychopath. You’re Carmen right?”

I nod, an idea suddenly coming to mind. “Hey have you met my friend Evan?” I gesture to Evan and he shots me a panicked glance, vigorously shaking his head before nervously smiling at Zoe when he glances at him.

“You’re Evan?” She gives him a warm smile.

“Evan.” He mumbles, staring at the ground.

“That’s your name?” Confusion crosses Zoe’s face as she glances between us.

“Y-yes. Uh, s-sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“Because you said my name and then I repeated it which is so annoying when people do that so-”

“Oh. Well, I’m Zoe.” She sticks out her hand and for a brief second I actually think that Evan is going to shake it before Evan quickly pulls his hand back, wiping it on his shirt. It’s not like it would matter if his hand was sweaty since his free hand that isn’t supporting me is his cast.

Zoe giggles at his awkwardness. “Yes, yes. I know.”

Her face falls. “You know?”

“Yeah I m-mean, I’ve seen you at the jazz band concerts. I love jazz music but not all jazz but definitely like jazz band jazz. That’s so weird. I’m sorry.”

“You apologize a lot.” This isn’t even the worst of it, I want to tell her.

“Yeah, s-sorry.” I stomp lightly on Evan’s foot before turning my attention back to Zoe.

“I really want to get to class so can we-”

“Oh, yeah right. But I think we should go see the nurse first.” Evan nods his head in agreement and I groan. I hate nurses, especially school nurses.

We hobble along. Taking it too slow, agonizingly slow. I just want to get to class and get the rest of this crappy day over with.

We finally arrive at the nurse's’ office and they quickly sweep me in and practically force me into the too flat aluminum chair. They pester me with questions that I am not willing nor want to answer. I don’t know why, but I lie about everything regarding Connor. Whether because I don’t want to see him get suspended or for any other reason, I’m not entirely sure. 

Finally after making sure that I didn’t re-injure my leg, they send me on my way. If they were actually good nurses, they would send me home just to be safe. But why would they? They suck. They at least provide me with a temporary crutch for me to use until I can put weight on that foot again. 

After Zoe and Evan are completely sure I can manage on our own, we go our separate ways, Zoe promising to see me again later. But I doubt that. Nobody at this high school is that nice. I’ve lost track of time when I finally get to physics class.

“Wow, Carmen. You look like shit.” Jared says by way of greeting as I sit down beside him, after grabbing the physics notes that I missed. 

“Gee thanks. You know how much I love being called shit. And really, I guess I should be thanking you for nearly re-breaking my leg in the hallway."

“Hey! Wait. What?” The teacher glares at him before Jared reluctantly lowers his voice. “What happened?”

“Well, let’s see. After your dumb ass comment that you made about Connor, he decided to take out his anger on me and Evan after your coward ass ran out of there,” I whisper harshly.

“Hey, I happen to think school shooter chic is really in style at the moment.” I glare at him before Jared’s face becomes red, betraying his embarrassment. He quickly does an assessment of my well-being, finally noticing the crutch leaning up against the counter behind us. His face fills with so much regret that I can’t take it so I resort to staring down at my notes in shame. I swear, as much as Jared hates admitting to it, he may as well be the protective older brother I never had. And the way he’s looking at me fills me with such a bone crushing sense of humility. It’s like he is pitying me and I hate it. We continue our work in silence for the rest of the class.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen meets Connor and Evan in the computer lab before going into the parking lot to encounter some unpleasant people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I suck at summaries. Hope you enjoy!

The rest of the day went by far too slowly. Especially English class. Like why do teachers still make us do socializing exercises? It’s not like we are five anymore. Well I can’t say that for my other classmates.

I stick close to Alana, the smartest girl in my grade because she does most of the talking and all I have to do is sit back and listen. I have my leg out to the side, fully extended as I listen to Alana. I guess that’s why I don’t notice when one of the football players, Ram Sweeney comes and trips face first over my leg. A burst of pain jolts through it and I wince.

“Ow. Geez. Watch it nerd!” Ram glares at me before walking back to his seat in the back of the classroom. I can hear him and his friend talking about me and I’m suddenly nervous, unconsciously curling in on myself, awkwardly tucking my cast underneath my chair despite the immense pain that it causes me every time I try to move.

Alana is completely oblivious and goes on talking about how great her summer was. Well good for her.

I try to get out of class so desperately that I almost run into one of my other classmates, muttering a quick sorry before rushing to my locker. Well rushing as best as I can with my crutch. I gather all my homework into my book bag, limping toward the parking lot to wait for Jared and Evan.

I’m passing the computer lab when I hear a familiar yell and whimper from inside. I burst inside, staying on the threshold. Surveying the scene in front of me, I notice a pissed off Connor standing way too close to me for comfort and a terrified Evan cowering by the printer.

I lean onto the doorframe, not entirely for appearance. My foot is still killing me and it feels like extra effort to only rely on my crutch. I cross my arms awkwardly around it and glare up at Connor. He looks as if he’s going to shove me out of the way again and I dare him to even try.

He realizes this too and stays where he is, glancing down at my foot and my uncomfortable stance before clenching his jaw and fists, looking back up at my face. His almost searching gaze is unsettling to say the least. His face suddenly becomes softer, more vulnerable and it gives me a weird feeling in my stomach. It’s different from how Evan and Jared normally look at me.

His clenched fists alert me to a crinkling sound and I look down to find him holding a crumpled piece of paper. I look behind him, my eyebrows high, glancing at Evan, who looks even more terrified now. I start to piece two and two together and focus on the piece of paper again, reaching my hand out.

“I believe that doesn’t belong to you.”

Connor’s vulnerability disappears as quickly as it came, a cold fiery replacing it. “You’re in on the joke then too?” His voice is shaking and I don’t know why.

I blink, very confused. Looking back at Evan, he gives me a helpless shrug.

“You know whatever. Fuck you!” He yells at nobody in particular. Connor makes for the small space between the door and I. I quickly lash out with my crutch, blocking his path.

He glares at me, taking a step back. “You could try but I imagine this bad boy-” I tap my cast. “-Would get in the way.”

Connor stands there completely frozen before a blush creeps up his face. Did I do that? No of course not. I can’t cause that kind of affect on someone. He suddenly drops the piece of paper so I move out of the way, allowing him to pass. He doesn’t spare us a second glance before he’s gone.

I pick up the piece of paper and hand it to Evan. “Are you ok?”

He nods quickly. “Y-yeah, everything’s f-fine.” He gives me a nervous smile that I don’t quite believe is real and I start to wonder what Connor said to him before I intervened. Something about a joke. I look down suspiciously at the note that Evan haphazardly shoves into his pocket. Evan seems more fidgety than normal as we walk into the parking lot. I catch Evan giving me a weird look.

“What?”

“You’ve b-been h-hanging around with Jared too m-much, I think.” I chuckle, thinking that he might have a point.

“Hey look everybody! It’s Crutchie and Acorn!” I roll my eyes as I notice Kurt Kelly, Ram’s best friend announcing our arrival to the rest of the idiot popular kids who are crowded around one of their stupid fancy cars. Him and Ram high five each other after those totally original nicknames.

I try to ignore them, trying to walk past them to get to Jared’s car which is very conveniently parked on the other side of the parking lot. That is until Ram and Kurt step into our path. “How does it feel to be the first people in history to break their limbs from jerking off to much?” Ram asks, getting way too close, walking backwards in front of me. The rest of the popular kids crowd around us, not letting us walk past.

“Leave us alone Ram.” I grab Evan’s arm, and try to steer around them, letting my long frizzy hair fall in front of my face, hoping that it will hide my embarrassment. Kurt suddenly steps into our path. The abrupt halt almost makes me lose my grip on my crutch and fall. I tighten my grip on Evan to try to regain my footing.

“Aw, look. Poor Carmen can’t seem to stand without her crutch.” One of the girls remarks, her features twisting into an expression of cruelty. Kurt and Ram share a look and Kurt suddenly tears Evan away from me. Ram forcefully pries the crutch out of my grasp and I fall backwards. Only to fall into a hard chest. Someone steadies me by placing their hands on my waist.

I tilt my head back, looking up into Connor’s face. I’m oddly thankful that it was him instead of someone else. He looks even more pissed than he was before, but for once that anger isn’t directed at me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight breaks out.
> 
> Chapter loosely based off of Fight for Me and Blue Reprise in Heathers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Panic attack

“Oh look who decided to join the party. The freak, Connor Murphy, in the flesh! Shouldn’t you be hiding under the bleachers getting high or something?” Ram looks around expectantly at everyone as they all start to laugh in unison. 

My embarrassment is soon replaced with anxiety as they start to taunt and sneer. I press myself harder into Connor, thinking that he can somehow protect me from them. He tightens his grip on my waist, which doesn’t go unnoticed by anybody else. Especially not by the Heathers.

“Aw, Connor, you never told us you had a girlfriend.” Heather Chandler pipes up. Connor lets go of my waist, and for the briefest moment I feel too vulnerable, too exposed, before he places his hands deliberately on my shoulders. “Who would have thought anyone would date a druggie like you?”

“But I thought Carmen and Evan were dating?” Heather Mcnamara asks, looking between Evan and I. We both open our mouths to protest before Heather screams at her to shut up. 

“Does that mean you and Acorn over there have to take turns with Carmen? Or is your bed big enough for all three of you?” Heather Duke implies. Her and Heather start to laugh viciously and it’s only when they both send Heather Mcnamara a death glare that she starts to join in too. Another girl with short, frizzy brown hair tries to tell them to stop but that only ends in an argument between the four of them. I start to tremble and I can feel the rage steaming off Connor.

Pretty soon I can’t control the tears from flowing and I slump against Connor, not quite believing what I am hearing. Connor gently shoves me into someone else’s arms and I collapse against them, crumbling to the pavement, barely feeling the impact. Then Jared and Evan are there, trying to get me up when chaos suddenly ensues.

People, led by Kurt and Ram, start chanting ‘there was a sword fight in her mouth!’ Before everyone starts saying one worse thing after the next about me and I find myself utterly helpless. I can’t stop them and everything just gets louder and louder until everyone’s voices blend together. I tightly curl myself into a ball, digging my face into my knees as I wrap my arms around them, trying to mute everyone out. My body is trembling violently now and I can’t stop it. I can’t stop and I am losing control. My breathing becomes too shallow, too quick. Nothing is working and I am drowning. Drowning in my tears and I am suffocating. Suffocating and I can’t breath. I can’t breath-

I am dimly aware of Jared and Evan trying to comfort me while encouraging me to stand but I am too far gone. The longer I am sitting there, nearly getting stepped on by everyone else, the more broken I become. I think I hear Jared call to some others but I can’t be sure. I am with it long enough to know that they are trying to move me. Yells and shouts of ‘holy shit’ fill the air. 

I look up in time to see two guys tackle Kurt and Ram. Although everything’s hazy as if I am in a dream. I can make out Connor, with his lean figure and long hair but I can’t figure out who the other one is. He looks remarkably similar to Connor but he is broader in the shoulders and seems a lot more muscular. It’s hard to tell with his dark trench coat though. Blood flecks everywhere. I try to focus on the four concerned faces floating around me, but I can’t. Everything is too fuzzy. Scrunching my eyes and burying my head in my hands, I start to rock back and forth. I can feel Evan’s arms tight around me, somehow keeping me from breaking further even though I can feel his laboured breath and heaving sobs vibrating through my shoulder where Evan has his face buried. I wonder if he’s experiencing his own anxiety attack.

“Get her out of her!” Someone, Connor, barks. In a feeble attempt to get me to stand up, I accidentally smack the person who was trying to pry my hands carefully from my face. I decide to go into my fetal position again, tucking my head tightly into my knees, sitting on my hands so no one get get them.

Suddenly a long shadow engulfs me, blocking out the sun that was warming the tops of my knees. Someone lashes out yelling “Get away from her! You’ve already hurt her once today!”

I look up to see Connor crouching in front of me, a little farther away than I think he would like to be. I am I hit hard with a sudden and brief sense of clarity as I stare at him and it’s like a thick fog is finally, slowly dispersing in my mind. In my peripheral vision, I can see Jared standing beside me, fists clenched and glowering. But all I can pay attention to is Connor as the world around us starts to move in slow motion. For the first time, I notice that his eyes are two different colors. They are mostly a sea of blue but then in the left one, a splotch of brown leaking into the blue. Those same eyes draw me to his swollen black eye and I start to notice all of his injuries.

His whole face is a mixture of blood and bruises. Blood spurts out from his crooked looking nose, which I fear might be broken. And blood dribbles down his chin onto his now ripped coat. I make a mental note to be on the lookout for a replacement as I am drawn to the mess of purple bruising and crusted blood that is his right cheek. The same side as his black eye. I feel tears start to prickle in my eyes again, and a look of alarm flashes across Connor’s face as I untangle myself from the position that I find myself in. I get up onto my knees and inch myself closer to him, Jared tensing beside me. I reach out, light as a feather, tracing my fingers down the length of his cheek. For a brief second it’s almost as if he leans into the touch. But before I can comprehend it, Connor grasps my hand with both of his, laying them in his lap. 

I look down at our intertwined hands and I gently stroke his split knuckles when I notice scars and cuts lashed across his wrists. Connor subtly covers them by pulling up his blood soaked sleeves. He looks up at me and says “You need to get up now.” 

I slowly shift into a sitting position and with Jared and his friends, Jeremy and Michael’s help they pull me to me feet, supporting me while Connor picks up my discarded crutch, handing it back. I look around me, surveying the damage. The crowd seems to have dispersed, leaving Kurt and Ram a crumpled heap on the ground, the trench coated stranger standing over them, seeming to contemplate whether to have a second go at them.

“Leave them alone, JD,” Connor warns to the trench coat guy, casting Kurt and Ram a menacing glare.

I look behind me to see Evan trembling beside Jared’s car and it breaks my heart. I limp towards him, wishing desperately that I could crouch down beside him. But Connor’s suddenly there, talking soothingly to Evan which is a miracle in itself. I wouldn’t have expected him to have the ability to be gentle, but if today was any example, I was very very wrong about him.

Evan looks up at me, relief replacing all the fear and anxiety in his face. He quickly gets up, pulling me into a tight embrace, clinging to me like a lifeline. Guilt pounds through me. How could I have been so careless? I shouldn’t have freaked out. Evan needed me and I was unable to help. I have always been the strong one and I couldn’t be strong when Evan needed me most. I bury my head in his shoulder, telling myself over and over again that we are ok.

Someone coughs and I realize that Evan and I have been hugging while everyone else has just been staring at us, silent. I look up, my gaze immediately snapping to Connor, but for some reason he won’t meet my gaze and he suddenly looks very….sad? I cast my look to Jared, Jeremy, and Michael. I notice that Jeremy is holding his hand to his face which my as well be a slap in the face for me when I realize that he’d been the one that I smacked early. Great. One more thing to add to the list of things that I should feel guilty about.

“God. I’m so sorry, Jeremy! I didn’t mean to smack you. I was panicked and-”

Jeremy holds up his hand to stop me. “It’s ok, really. Knowing me, I probably deserved it.” No you didn’t, I want to tell him.

“I think it’s time for us to go home now, ay?” Jared says, looking around us. “Unless you’d like to be here when the principal gets here?” 

Everyone agrees and as we leave, I look behind us at Connor watching us. His face is unreadable and I think of how I should have stayed. I should have stayed and helped clean him up. But then what could I have done? I could barely get into the car as is, how would I have helped Connor? I look over at Evan searching every one of his pockets, squirming in his seat, jostling my leg.

“Everything ok Evan?” I try not to sound annoyed, though all his squirming is hurting my leg.

“uh, well, uh….y-yes. Everything’s uh….everything’s fine. S-sorry.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter becomes exposed.

Dear Evan Hansen,

It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because why would it be?

Oh I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe….maybe nothing would be different at all.

I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of…something. I wish that anything that I said…mattered, to anyone I mean, face it: would anyone even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,

me

 

I first noticed the note after returning my crutch to the nurse’s office. It was basically staring me right in the face with it’s block letters and Evan’s undeniable style of writing. I tear it off of the wall, racing back to where I had parted with Evan and Jared in the foyer. When they’re not there anymore, I run to our lockers, stopping dead when I walk into that hallway.

Almost every single locker has Evan’s letter taped to it. For a second I can’t find Jared and Evan amongst the crowd of gossiping students. Then my eye catches the blue boy trembling in the corner. And you know the trembling is bad when you can see it from the other end of the hallway. I push through the crowd, aware of their sudden interest in me. Some are even gaping and pointing at me.

Once I get to Evan I gather him in my arms, letting him cling to me and soak my t-shirt with his tears. I don’t really mind though because it means being there for him when I couldn’t be there for him yesterday. Man, how did everything get so screwed up in a day anyway?

After Evan has been relatively calmed down, I let go. “Can someone tell me what is going on?”

“Apparently Evan was writing a weird sex letter to himself.” Jared says, leaning against the locker.

“It wasn’t a s-sex letter!” Evan sputters.

Michael talks over him.“Jared, did you even read the letter? It’s obviously Evan’s suicide note.” Michael glares at Jared, pulling his headphones off his ears. 

“Why the fuck would he write a letter to himself in the first place?”

Michael and Jared start to argue, giving me a chance to look around us. People are still openly staring at us and I glare at anyone brave enough to meet my gaze. I keep my hand on Evan’s shoulder when I feel him start to retreat in himself, fighting against my own growing anxiety at the amount of attention we are receiving. Then I notice a very pissed off looking Connor storming towards us. So much for his gentle side. I tighten my grip on Evan’s shoulder.

“What the fuck is this?” He holds up another copy of Evan’s letter.

“M-m-my l-letter,” Evan says in a very small and defeated voice.

“Yeah. No shit.” Connor shoves the letter at Evan. All traces of the Connor from yesterday seem to be gone, except for his mangled face. But that only makes him look scarier as he prowls closer to us, towering over Evan. “Why the fuck is this all over school, huh? Was personally attacking me not enough for you Hansen?” Tears start to stream down Evan’s face as he presses himself into his locker. Something in me snaps.

“That’s ENOUGH. It wasn’t Evan’s fault!” I scream, surprising everyone. Connor’s eye goes wide when I shove him away. “You think this is what Evan wanted? To be humiliated by the entire school? How DARE you assume this is about you! Does this note have your name written in it anywhere, huh? Does it imply anywhere that this was made to insult you?”

Connor looks down, ashamed. “No,” he says softly. I try not to have another breakdown as I clench and unclench my fists, deliberately breathing in and out very slowly and evenly. 

“Evan. Explain. Now.” I turn to Evan, trying and failing to sound caring. But my voice just sounds exhausted. He looks like he’s about to break, and my heart shatters, thinking back to how it said in his letter that he didn’t matter. How did I not know about this? I’m his best friend and yet he didn’t feel comfortable enough to confide in me.

“I-I c-can’t.”

“Why the fuck not?! Why the fuck are you writing about my sister?” Connor growls. I glare at him, and he surprisingly seems to shrink in on himself. I turn back to Evan, grabbing his elbow and steering him away from the relentless crowd. “What the fuck do you think you’re looking at?”

For once Connor’s temper is a blessing as the crowd quickly scatters. Maybe having Connor around isn’t such a bad thing. I lead us to a hidden alcove in one of the various abandoned hallways. I push him into it, following after him. Connor stays on the outside, blocking us from prying eyes with his formidable height. From someone that didn’t know any better it might look like he’s sneaking some weed. He crosses his arms, looking expectantly at Evan, raising his eyebrows.

“Nobody’s around. You can tell us Evan,” I say gently. Evan looks skeptically up at Connor. “You can trust him.”

Out of the corner of my eye I see Connor raise his eyebrows again, shooting me a startled gaze. I ignore him, giving Evan my full attention.

“Uh, well, uh. It s-started this summer after I….after we fell out of that tree-” 

I remember that day. Evan and I had both been working at Ellison’s park together. One day after we had finished our shift, me being the reckless and stupid one had said that we needed to climb the highest tree. It was a beautiful early summer day and I had told Evan that if we climbed this tree, we would have the best view of the sunset. It was me who egged him. It was me who wouldn’t let him talk myself out of it. So we climbed to the very top of the tree. We sat there for a bit, watching the sun dip low beneath the horizon, until the branch couldn’t take both of our weights anymore. I can still feel myself free falling through the branches, still feel the crack and pop of my bones as I crashed. Still see Evan’s tear streaked face and his oddly bent arm. It was my fault. All my fault. If I hadn’t egged Evan on. If I had just listened-

“Carmen. Carmen. You all right?” Someone was shaking me. I blink rapidly until I can focus on Connor’s face, relief flooding into his features. “Jesus Christ. You scared the shit out of us.”

“Y-you, uh, y-you look like you’ve s-seen a ghost,” Evan remarks, his face etched with worry.

I shake my head, plastering on a fake smile. “I’m fine.” Neither of them look convinced. “Seriously I’m fine. Continue with your story Evan.”

After giving me a very level and concerned look, Evan hesitantly continues, directing most of his story to Connor. “My mom, uh, well, she thought that it would be best for me to see a..uh, a therapist. Anyway, I s-started going. And it w-was terrifying. Well, um, it still is, I guess. Anyway, my new, uh, therapist, um, thought that it would be a good idea to…to start writing letters to myself. Stupid, I know. But they….they thought it would, uh, it would help? I-I never thought anyone else would actually, um, read them.”

Wait. I knew Evan went to therapy but the letters....why didn't he tell me? Why didn't Heidi tell me? I jump when Connor suddenly speaks up beside me.

“Shit. I uh, I thought you were seriously making fun of me by using my family against me. Fuck!” Connor starts to back up, roughly running his hands through his hair, pulling at the strands. Then he turns around, slamming his fist in the brick wall. Connor falls to the ground, head in his hands and elbows propped onto his knees.

Evan and I stare wide eyed at each other for a minute before rushing to Connor’s side. “It’s ok. Connor it’s ok. It’s ok you didn’t mean it.” I sooth, hesitantly reaching out, stroking his hair away from his face. He flinches away, scooting away from us.

“Don't fucking touch me!” yells. Evan shrinks back. Where is all of this coming from? I look to the clock, five minutes until class starts. I can’t just leave Connor like this. He starts mumbling indistinguishable words. I hear bits and pieces like 'fuck up' and 'idiot'. He paces the length of the hallway, looking like a caged, restless animal.

Then the intercom blares throughout the school.

 

Connor Murphy and Jason Dean to the principal’s office. Connor Murphy and Jason Dean to the principal’s office. Thank you.

 

Connor’s head snaps up, his gaze immediately finding mine. “I can’t fucking do this. I can’t fucking go there. Their going to fucking expel me. And then my dad will fucking kill me and my mom will just look at my like I am the biggest fucking disappointment in the world.” He goes to bury his head back into his hands but before he can I grab both of his wrists, urging him to look up at me.

When he finally does, I say in a very firm voice, “you are not going to get expelled Connor. The worst that’ll happen is you getting suspended. Your parents will not kill you for that. Especially since you had beat up Kurt and Ram to defend me.”

“You don’t fucking know that. You don’t know them and you don’t fucking know me. Haven’t you heard? I’m the school shooter, the druggie, the FREAK! Nobody is going to believe anything I say.”

“But what if we come with you? You don’t think they’ll believe us, the victims?”

“Why would you fucking help me? You know firsthand what a fucking mess I am. I pushed you Carmen! And you were, ARE, injured! Does that not say enough to you about who I am?”

“You helped us, Connor. You could have let me fall but you were there. You were the one who stopped Kurt and Ram from doing whatever it is they wanted to do to me. Doesn’t that say enough?”

“Don’t paint me as the fucking hero, because I’m not. I’m not a good person to be around Carmen.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“You should. You should stay the fuck away from me if you know what’s best for you. I hurt every person that gets close to me. My parents, Zoe, you. So just stay away before you regret it if you haven’t already.”

Connor gets up, stuffing his hands into his pockets and before I can say another word, he walks out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen meets JD but wait. Where's Connor?

“Well that was weird. Come on, let’s go.” I head back the way we came but I stop Evan when he tries to head to his first period class. 

“Carmen, we, uh, we have class.” 

“So we’ll be late. Come on.” I grab his elbow, steering Evan in the opposite direction.

“Carmen, where are we, um.... where are we going?”

“Mr. Howard’s office.”

Evan’s face pales. “The principal’s office? What? Why?” Evan twists in front of me, forcing me to stop.

I roll my eyes. “We are going to talk to Mr. Howard to try to appeal Connor not getting expelled.”

“Are you uh, sure, that’s uh, such a good idea? This isn’t, uh, this isn't, um, court Carmen!”

“Evan, it’ll be fine.” I internally wince, remembering when I last uttered those words. Everything hadn’t been fine then. I shutter at the thought.

“Carmen? Are you ok?” Evan’s forehead creases with worry. I shake my head to quickly clear it before putting on a fake smile.

“I’m fine, Evan. Come on.” The hallway has been mostly cleared of students. But Evan’s letter stares at us from every locker we pass. Evan tries to avoid looking at them, but he’s failing miserably, simultaneously curling in on himself. I’ll have to do something about those.

We get to the office and I bang the door open, I know, quite the dramatic entrance. Everyone is staring at me like I’m a crazed fool. I probably am. Evan shuffles in beside me, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I rush at the secretary. “I need to talk to Mr. Howard.”

“I’m sorry but you will have to wait.” The secretary turns back to the student that she was addressing when I first barged in.

“You don’t understand! I can’t wait, I need to talk to him right now. It’s urgent!” 

She just glares at me. “I’m sorry but Mr. Howard has a very important meeting to attend soon. You’ll have to wait, although it would probably be best if you come back later.”

“You heard her. Let’s, uh, let’s go to class.” Evan tries to pull me back out the door but to no avail. I’m not leaving. 

“I am not leaving until I can help Connor,” I say before I plop down very ungracefully into the waiting chairs which rival the nurse’s chairs in terms of uncomfortableness. Evan lets out a defeated sigh and sits beside me. He tenses and glances quickly down at his fidgeting hand.

I look up, noticing the middle aged couple sitting across from us for the first time. The woman is doing most of the talking, talking excitedly with who I assume must be her husband. I quickly avert my eyes, looking around the office, noticing the woman sneaking glances at Evan and I out of the corner of my eye. The man looks like he couldn’t care less, glancing at his watch every five seconds. Clearly he has somewhere else to be. 

Evan starts bouncing beside me. “Carmen, come on. Can we, uh, can we please just go to class?”

“There’s nothing keeping you here, Evan. You’re free to go to class, but I’m staying.”

“B-but what do I do when I get there? I’ll be late and everyone is going to stare at me with cold, hard, judgement in their eyes. And then they’ll all watch me until I get to me seat and-”

“Evan, stop hyperventilating. Nobody will judge you if you’re late.”

“I’m not hyperventilating!”

“Evan, you’re panting.”

“No, I’m not!”

“You’re face is turning red.”

“I’mnothyperventilating!”

“What did Connor do this time?!” Zoe suddenly bursts into the office, marching up to the man and woman who are still sitting across from us. Oh. Those must be her parents. Connor’s parents.

“Why don’t you ask them?” A new voice suddenly says. I turn my head and notice the kid that the secretary was talking to earlier leaning against the desk. JD, Connor’s voice whispers in my head. Everyone’s looking at us, at me now. I can feel Evan’s nervous energy vibrating beside me too. Confusion mingles on the Murphy’s faces as they take me in. I smile hesitantly, about to say something.

“Sorry for the hold up everybody,” Mr. Howard pipes up, walking out of his office. “Now if you’d follow me-”

I jump to me feet, the abrupt movement causing Evan to let out a nervous squeak. “Mr. Howard, you can’t let Connor be expelled!”

Everyone stops in their tracks, looking back at me, confusion quickly turning into curiosity. “Well I’m sorry Miss Dylan but it really isn’t your business whether or not I expel a student,” Mr. Howard says, “Now right this way-”

“It kind of is though.” I can practically feel Evan nervously running his hands through his hair behind me, praying for me to shut up. “You see I know exactly why Connor is in trouble and it wasn’t his fault. It was all to defend me.”

“Larry what is she talking about? What’s going on?” Connor’s mom asks, looking anxiously between JD and I. 

“She doesn’t know what she’s talking about, let’s just all calm down and talk in my office.” Mr. Howard tries to herd everyone away, but Zoe quickly dodges behind him to block him. 

“Carmen, what happened? Why did Connor need to defend you?”

“Well after being surrounded in the parking lot and the idiots of the high school calling me a whore and physically harassing me by taking away the only thing that was helping me walk-” I indicate the cast on my leg “Connor came and-” JD coughs very loudly behind me “Connor and JD came to my rescue, making them stop. So really if you’re going to expel someone, you should expel Ram Sweeney, Kurt Kelly, and those insufferable Heathers. Not to mention they clearly were also behind putting those letters all over school.”

Zoe and her parents look absolutely horrified, swinging their gazes to Mr. Howard. His face pales as he takes in The Murphy’s angry faces. He starts to back up towards his door. “What kind of high school are you operating?!” Mrs. Murphy exclaims. “I don’t want girls like my daughter being harassed at school by people like who, I’m sorry what’s your name sweetie?”

“Carmen. Carmen Dylan.”

“Right. I don’t want girls like my daughter to be harassed by the people that Carmen is describing.”

“Finally someone gets it. Thank you!” I wave my hand towards Mrs. Murphy, glaring at Mr. Howard.

“Maybe we need to take our kids to a different school,” Mr. Murphy says, glancing at Mr. Howard.

“NO! I mean, uh, no. There’s no need to take your kids out of our school.”

“Oh really? Because clearly this school isn’t safe enough for our daughter!”

“W-we’ll take care of those trouble students. Just please don’t take Zoe out of our school.” Mr. Howard’s pleading now. Geez, I never thought two parents could scare him so badly. 

“You have to keep Connor if Zoe stays.” Zoe scowls at her mother’s bargain. She must really have a bad relationship with her brother. 

“Fine. I won’t expel Connor.”

“Hey what about me?!” JD asks, crossing his arms. 

Mr. Murphy sighs. “Fine, JD has to stay too.” 

Mr. Howard glares at JD before finally saying, “deal.”

“Good. Then we’re done here.”

“But what about the letters? What are we going to do about that?” I ask.

“Well there’s no evidence of who did it.” Mr. Howard points out.

“That doesn’t mean we can’t figure out who it is!”

“How do we know it’s not you?” JD asks, glancing at me suspiciously.

“I didn’t!”

“You say that but you seem to be that weirdo’s only friend.”

“He’s not weird! And I swear, I didn’t put those up.”

“You’re not denying writing them though.”

“Are you always this infuriating?”

“Yes,” Zoe grumbles.

“You’re still not denying it.”

“I didn’t write it! There happy?”

“Ecstatic.”

“Now are we going to find out who put up those letters or what?” 

“What?”

“Huh?”

“Well you said ‘or what’.”

“I hate you.”

“How do we know Connor didn’t write it?”

“Connor would never write something like that,” Zoe says.

“Never know. He is a creep.”

“JD! Don’t talk about your cousin like that!” Mrs. Murphy exclaims. Wait Cousin?!

“I mean it in a good way.”

“Where is Connor anyway?” Zoe asks looking around.

“Um, he, uh, left?” Evan speaks up for the first time since we got here.

“What? Gone where?” Mrs. Murphy looks to her husband, expecting him to know all the answers. He shrugs as if to say how the hell should I know.

“Well if he hasn’t gotten expelled, he’s definitely getting grounded,” Mr. Murphy says instead.

Mr. Howard clears his throat. “If we’re all done here….”

“Oh, uh yeah. We’ll be on our way. See you back home Zoe.” Mrs. Murphy kisses her daughter’s head before her and her husband disappear through the door.

“Well what are you three standing here for? Get to class!” Mr. Howard bellows, storming into his office and slamming his door shut.

 

I didn’t see Connor for the rest of the day. He must have really been afraid of getting expelled.

I meet Evan at his locker. He’s talking on the phone, most likely to his mother. As I walk closer, I can hear what he’s saying. “It’s fine. Maybe. It was….yeah it was great. Bye.” Evan hangs up, his face set in a frown. It quickly wipes away when he sees me.

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah. No. Everything’s fine. Mom just, uh, can’t take me to my therapy session. So, um, I guess I have to take the bus again.”

“Why don’t you get Jared to take you?”

“Jared? No way! He would never do that.”

“Come on, he’s our friend. Why wouldn’t he?”

“Family friend.” He mumbles, barely audible.

“Fine, I’ll ask him.” Evan’s head snaps up.

“What? No!” 

“Ok fine, then who?”

“I told you. I’m taking the bus.”

“Pff. No you’re not, Evan.” Right then Michael and Jeremy walk up.

“Hi guys. How’s it going?”

“Great! Uh, can you guys possibly drive us to my therapy session?” I know enough about Evan to know that he wouldn’t want them to know about him having to go to therapy.

“Oh. Yeah sure. I didn’t know you took therapy, Carmen,” Jeremy says, looking at Michael for confirmation. He shrugs and nods. “Come on then."

“Guess we’ll have to hold off getting stoned in my basement.”

We all pile into Michael’s car, Michael and Jeremy in the front and Evan and I in the back. And as per usual, Evan is fidgeting in his seat, switching his position over and over again until it looks like he is in the worst possible position. 

The car ride is long and Michael and Jeremy fill it by talking about this level that they keep getting stuck on in this video game. I spend the ride staring out the window, watching the world pass. We pass a park and I try to look away, not wanting to relive my experience at Ellison’s state park. But something catches my eye. Beneath the big oak tree, is a skinny figure sprawled in the grass. He almost looks asleep. Almost.

“HOLY SHIT!”

Michael swerves, narrowly missing a lamp post. “What? What’s wrong?!”

“Stop the car!” Michael slams on the break, quickly pulling up to to the curb. Everyone is staring at me in panic as I fumble to undo my seatbelt.

“Carmen what’s-what’s going on?” Evan is asking but before I can respond, I fling myself out of the car, nearly tripping over my cast.

“CONNOR!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is found.

Please don’t be dead. Please don’t be dead Connor. I’m racing awkwardly towards Connor, my stupid cast slowing me down. I can’t wait to get this off. I push through the pain, collapsing down beside Connor. I am dimly aware of Michael, Jeremy, and Evan running after me, yelling my name. He has to be alive. He has too.

I am screaming Connor’s name, holding him against my chest, brushing his hair away from his too pale face. I start rocking back and forth, panic rising up in me. I can’t think straight. All I can think is Connor. Connor collapsing under this tree that is too similar to the tree at Ellison’s park. Connor dead in my arms. Connor dead.

I suddenly feel a very faint, almost nonexistent breath on my collarbone. I nearly weep with relief. Well actually I am weeping. “He’s breathing! Connor’s breathing!”

“Someone call 911!” Michael yells, rushing to Connor’s other side. “His pulse is too weak.” Michael looks at me, a deep sadness in his eyes.

“No. NO. H-he’ll be alright. Connor has to be alright,” I hiccup, clutching Connor closer to me. 

“But what if he won’t be?”

“He will be. I know he will be.”

“We don’t know that.” 

“But I do. He has to be alright. Please be alright Connor. Please!” I start rocking back and forth again, tears obscuring my vision. I’m numb. This can’t be happening, this can’t be!

“The ambulance are on their way,” Jeremy says, running up to crouch beside Michael. I look back at Evan a few feet away, watching as he paces back and forth, clutching and unclutching his belt, unsure about what to do with his hands. Fear and pure disbelief distorts his features and I am suddenly reminded of the anxiety ridden seven year old that I first met when I came to live with him and his mother, shortly after his father had left. 

I stay in the same position until the paramedics come. Michael and Jeremy have to pry me off of Connor when the paramedics try to take him away. One of the paramedics, a small women with a sweet smile crouches down beside me. “We will do everything in our power to save your boyfriend.” My what? But I am too drained to correct her. 

I can’t watch them as they transport Connor into the ambulance on the stretcher. I turn and run into Evan’s arms, sobbing into his shoulder, clutching his shirt. His trembling arms wrap around me, shielding me from the world around us. I suddenly remember something. “Y-your ap-appointment.”

“Mom, uh, she’ll understand.” I don’t know if it’s my imagination but Evan’s voice sounds stronger, more assured. I look into his face. “Connor will be alright you know.” He gives me a warm, knowing smile, but I don’t know what that means.

I pull away from Evan, wiping my face with my sleeve, snot and all. I take out my phone, about to phone Zoe. I pause. “Anybody have Zoe’s number?”

“I know Christine is friend’s with her, but I don’t….I don’t have her number,” Jeremy mumbles, shoulders slumping. Michael gives his friend a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“Well me being the old fashioned rock star that I am happen to have a phone book in my car,” Michael says, pointing his thumb behind him.

“Well what are we doing still standing here for?” We all back track to Michael’s car, letting him dig through all the shit in his car. After a long while, he finally comes up with an old phone book that looks like it has been stained with….pizza sauce? and been bent one too many times. What the hell does he keep in that car?

I sit down in the backseat, my legs swinging out of the door. I rifle through the names as quickly as I can. So fast that I almost don’t catch their name. Larry and Cynthia Murphy. That’s them right? I recall Zoe’s mom calling her husband by Larry. That has to be them. Quickly dialing their number, I hold my breathe as I wait for someone to answer.

“Hello?” Thank god.

“Hello, is this Mrs. Murphy?”

“Yes it is. How may I help you?”

“Uh, hi. My name is Carmen. We met in the principal’s office today?”

“Ah. Right. I’m sorry but Connor and Zoe aren’t home at the moment. Can I leave a message?”

“Well, uh, you see. Um this is about Connor.” My voice hitches on his name.

“Connor? Is he alright?!”

“N-no.” My voice breaks. “He…he isn’t.” I try to force the tears from not falling.

“What? What happened?!” I take a deep, heaving breath trying to calm down enough to say what I need to say. “What happened to my son?!” Mrs. Murphy screams over the phone, causing me to flinch.

“I uh, I found him….I’m so s-sorry. I found him p-p-passed out in th-the park.” I can’t hold back my tears as the image of him sprawled across the grass ghosts my mind.

“No. No. NO. This can’t be happening!” I can hear sobbing on the other side of the line. She doesn’t speak for so long that I think that she has hung up. But finally, she whispers, “w-where is he now?”

I force myself to stop crying long enough to say, “The ambulance just came to take him to the h-hospital.”

“I’m on my way now.” I can still hear her trying to hold back her sobs while she gathers her stuff. I’m about to hang up, thinking that was all that I needed to say when she suddenly says, “can you meet us there?”

“W-what?”

“I think it would mean a lot to Zoe, and Connor if you were there.”

“I, uh, I don’t think that’s really in my place….”

“Please? For Connor?” Her voice is too hopeful, too sweet to say no.

I take a deep breath. “O-ok.”

“Fantastic! I’ll see you there. Thanks for letting me know!” And with that she hangs up as if she had just invited me to a Murphy family dinner.

“What, uh, what did she say?” Evan asks, looking at me expectantly.

“We’re going to the hospital.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff goes down at the hospital.

“Hi. My name’s Carmen Dylan. We’re here to see Connor Murphy. He was admitted earlier this afternoon,” I say, gesturing to the three anxious boys hovering behind me.

“Are you family members?”

“Well no but-”

“Then I’m sorry, but you are not allowed to see him at the moment. He is in critical condition and is in no state for visitors.”

I throw my hands in the air in frustration, sulking back to my seat, Jeremy, Michael, and Evan in tow. I lean forward, my elbows propped on my knees and resting my head in my hands. But I can’t sit still. My leg is bouncing so much, I’m surprised nobody else in the waiting room can feel it.

“Connor’s...he's gonna be fine Carmen,” Evan tries to say, although he himself is scratching his hand furiously. I lift my head, grabbing Evan’s hand and forcing it away, holding it on my knee. 

“Weeeeelllll-” Evan shoots Michael an angry (or as angry as Evan can get) glance. Michael falls silent, twiddling his thumbs, as if pretending that he’s holding a playstation controller will help him in some way.

Evan drops his head on my shoulder, sighing heavily like this is the first time that he is able to breath today. I close my eyes, sudden exhaustion trying to pull me into sleep. 

“Carmen!”

I jerk up, blinking rapidly in the bright waiting room. Before I’m even fully standing up, Zoe barrels into me, crushing me in a tight embrace. Evan tries to step away but then Mrs. Murphy is there, giving him a gentle, very awkward hug. Once Zoe lets go, she’s hugging me. “Thank you! Thank you for finding him!”

I’m still too numb to hardly react. “How….How is he?” I hate how weak I sound. Mrs. Murphy looks at me with red, puffy eyes that she quickly dabs with a tissue.

“They say he’ll….he’ll be fine. They have him hooked up to a bunch of IVs.” He voice is thick with emotion.“I-if you had been five minutes later, he would have…he would have b-been lost. Thank you, Carmen! Thank you!” She gives me another hug, clinging to me like a lifeline.

“What, uh….what happened?” Evan asks, looking nervously between Zoe and her mom, probably thinking that he said the wrong thing.

“He just stole some of dad’s pills again,” Zoe says in a flat, drained voice.

“Wait, he’s done this before?!” Jeremy looks panicked now, but Zoe just shrugs.

“We’ve been trying to get him help,” Mrs. Murphy says. “But nothing seems to work."

"Yeah because he's too far gone," Zoe mumbles, glaring at her feet.

I feel my hands ball up near my sides, instinctively. “If he is so far gone, why was he freaking out in the hallway this morning after they called him down to the principal’s office?” I snap. Mrs. Murphy flinches, new tears brimming her eyes. “Or why did he beat up two guys in the school parking lot to save my ass, huh? Do you think he’d do that if he was ‘too far gone’?” 

I am mildly aware of the fact that I am yelling at these two people that I barely even know, whose son and brother is in the ICU fighting for his life. Everyone in the waiting room is gaping at me, utterly shocked and appalled. I stumble back, panic rising in me. “I….I-I’m sorry. This was a-a mistake, I-I shouldn’t be here.”

“No! Carmen, wait!” Someone reaches for me, but I turn, stumbling out of the building. Before anyone can follow me, I start to run, not paying any attention to where I am going. The world blurs around me, autumn colors of orange and red, swirling. 

When I am sure that nobody is following me, I slow down to a walk. With no destination in mind, I am barely even aware of where I am. My feet just carry me where they think we need to be. The sidewalk turns to gravel and I find myself kicking it out of my way. The path turns windy, and I find myself going uphill until I am at the top, staring at the all too familiar park sign, ELLISON’S STATE PARK. I must have really been walking fast if I got here.

I weave through the trees, staying clear of the other people wandering around, keeping my head down. I don’t stop until I get to the tallest tree, the object of my nightmares. I look up, trailing the path that Evan and I took up the trunk, taking note of every broken tree branch that we hit on the way down. Brushing the tips of my fingers over the bark, a shiver passes down my spine. I sit down at the base of the tree, it’s massive roots caging me on both sides. Pressing myself against the tree, pulling my knees to my chest. I deserve to be here, alone. It’s only fair if the one who started this whole mess is the one who deals with everything alone. Let’s face it. It’s my fault that Evan broke his arm. It’s my fault that Connor almost got expelled. Hell it’s probably my fault that Connor felt the need to kill himself. He’s not the one who deserves to be dead right now. No. That person should be me. Everything would be so much better if I hadn’t have been at school yesterday. Then Connor wouldn’t have beat someone up and Evan’s letter wouldn’t be posted on every locker at school. Ugh, the letter. What the hell are we going to do about that?

I sink into an almost dreamlike state, my thoughts my only company. I am aware of the darkening sky and the cold breeze on my bare arms and legs. But I don’t get up. I’m too exhausted to get up. Hours pass and I don’t get up. I wrap my arms tighter around myself and close my eyes.

 

I wake to someone poking me with a stick. I turn and look blurrily into the face of a little boy, his wide eyes filled with curiosity. A woman quickly comes and snatches the little boy away from me, glaring at me with distaste. She probably thinks I’m a homeless person or something. The sun is already on its way to being at the top of the trees, the forest tinted gold. 

I clamber to my feet, my legs stiff and back aching. I look down at my filthy, rumbled clothes. At least I wasn’t rained on. I crouch down to grab my bag, which I had cleverly hid under one in the crook of one of the biggest roots. i fish around for my phone, noticing the 57 new text messages. 33 of them all from Evan. Shit. Yet another thing that I did wrong. Good job Carmen. I would have been really screwed if my phone died. I look at the most recent ones.

Evan Hansen: _MOM’S CALLING THE POLICE_

_WHERE ARE YOU? MOM AND I ARE FREAKING OUT_

_Please don’t be dead_

_Ok I’m getting really worried now_

_Carmen seriously, where are you?_

Me: _Evan, I’m fine, I just fell asleep in the park_

Not three seconds later

Evan Hansen: _You fell ASLEEP in the park?! What if someone stole from you? Or MURDERED you?! Where are you?_

Me: …. _Ellison’s State Park_

_Jared and I are on our way_

I stumble my way back down to the road, only for Jared’s car to already be there. Evan and Jared are getting out of the car, sprinting towards me when they see what kind of state I’m in. 

“Don’t ever do anything like that again!”

“I won’t, Ev.”

“Promise me! Promise me Carmen!”

I put my hand on Evan’s shoulder. “I promise, I won’t Evan.” I give him a weak smile before I get into a sudden coughing fit, nearly doubling over. Jared quickly loops an arm around my shoulder and guides me into the car. 

“Jesus Christ, you’re freezing Carmen.” I don’t even notice until I get into the car, the sudden warmth bringing out a sigh. Jared digs around for something before throwing something at Evan. “Put this around her, before she gets fucking hypothermia.”

“Guys, I’m-” cough. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah of course you’re fine. Blood shot eyes, runny nose, intense shivering. Just another day in paradise right?” I glare at him, beneath my blanket.

“Next time I feel a panic attack coming on, I’ll try to stop and think straight.”

Jared averts his eyes muttering a quick sorry under his breath.

“Look, let’s just get to school. I want the humiliation to be done and over with as quick as possible.”

Evan and Jared share a look. “You’re….you’re not going to school, Carmen.”

“UGH. Guys I swear-” cough cough. “I’m fine.”

Despite my protesting, Jared brings us back home. They take me inside and basically force me onto the bed and actually tuck me in. 

“Well I gotta go back to the hellhole we call school. Evan’ll stay with you.”

“But my schoolwork-”

Jared flings his giant notebook onto the bed. “Copy my physics notes. I’ll ask Alana to keep tabs on your other subjects. Although it’ll pain me to do so.” He rolls his eyes. And with that Jared leaves.

Evan sits down on his bed opposite mine. We’ve always shared a bedroom since we can’t really afford much. It’s better than nothing though. 

“Why did you go?”

“What?”

“Why did you, uh….why did you go to Ellison’s State Park?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly.

“It’s…It’s not your fault you know.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Carmen-”

“I’m fine, Ev. Just let it go.”

“I-if you ever, uh, need to talk about it-”

“I said I’m fine Evan!” I yell, my voice hoarse. Evan flinches, trying his best not to look hurt but failing. “Evan, I’m…I’m sorry.” Next thing I know, I’m crying into Evan’s shoulder, my whole body trembling. 

“You’re...it's fine Carmen. You’re fine.” Evan strokes my hair in soothing motions.

“I-I can’t believe I screamed at them Evan. Connor almost died and I screamed at them. I’m such a terrible person.”

“No you’re not! Carmen, you’re not.”

“But let’s face it. Everyone would be better off without me.” Evan suddenly pulls back. Tears are in his eyes.

“Don’t you ever say that again! Is that all I am to you? Just another person in the grand scheme of things?” Evan starts flinging his hands around and it scares the shit out of me to see him so frantic.

“Evan!”

He stops, tears and snot suddenly streaming down his face. He was always such the ugly crier. Not that that is a bad thing but it makes me feel even worse. “I-I’m sorry Evan. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. Do you need anything? Pillows fluffed? Hot ch-chocolate?”

I flash him a real, genuine smile. “I’m fine Evan. Really.” A thought crosses my mind. "Is Connor back at school yet?"

"Uh, no. But I, um, I talked to Zoe."

I push myself up onto my elbows. "You talked to Zoe? When?"

"Uh, this morning. Right, um, right before second period, I, uh, bumped into her in the hall. She seemed worried."

"Worried? About Connor?"

"I uh...I don't know. Maybe? She seemed more worried about you."

"Me? Why?"

"Well you, you, uh, you did run out on them yesterday. She, uh, she didn't realize...she didn't realize how much Connor meant to you-"

"He doesn't mean THAT much to me. Like I care about him but-"

"Well whatever, uh, whatever the case, Zoe and her mom were uh, they were surprised that anyone cared about Connor at all. They um, they seem to think you guys are like best friends or something."

"I've literally only known him for a couple days."

"I know, but you know....a lot happened, uh, yesterday, and I, um, I think they, especially you know, the mom especially, needs, uh, needs something to hold on to. Anyway, you...you should probably rest so..."

He starts to pull away, but I grab a hold of his wrist. “You should rest too.” He tries to shake me off, saying that he can handle it but he stops when he meets my glare. He climbs in beside me and we fall asleep curled up beside each other.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two kind of friends on a not so perfect day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: bullying, panic attack

I should have known the following week was going to be start out bad. After sleeping everything off for the rest of the week, my cold has gotten significantly better. So much better that I had thought that I was good enough to go back to school despite Jared and Evan’s coddling.

“Carmen, you’re fever has gotten bad again. I think it’d be better if we took you back home.” 

“Y-yeah. Maybe Jared’s right,” Evan says turning back and walking with Jared to his car.

“Nice try boys. My fever broke quite a while ago.” Evan and Jared’s shoulders slump. “And when is Jared ever right?”

“G-good point,” Evan says, earning him a smack on the shoulder.

“I don’t know why you too are acting so strange today. Maybe you should be the ones going back home.” People walk by, whispering and sneaking glances at us. What’s that about? I shrug it off, pushing the door open. “Are you guys coming or what?” They both sigh in defeat, trailing after me. Walking into school is my first mistake.

“GAY!” As soon as I take one step into school I’m suddenly pelted with an array of crumpled balls of paper. I duck my head, bringing my arms up as if I could possibly shield myself. I quickly unfold one of the pieces of paper that has fallen at my feet. DEAR EVAN HANSEN. Of course it’s Evan’s letter. But then I zero in on the last two words. Sincerely Carmen. I stare down at the elegant, slanted handwriting. It looks exactly like mine. Someone at this school hates me so much that they were willing to forge my own handwriting to hurt me. 

I look up briefly, watching everyone’s manic laughter. “Carmen-” Jared and Evan both reach for me, but I shake out of their grasp. 

"Did you-did you know about th-this?!" Jared tries to deny it but his flushed face gives him away. Evan is just picking at the hem of his shirt, determinedly staring at the ground. I scoff. "Fuck you!" I feel their flinch rather than seeing it as I spin away from them.

Ducking my head, I rush past the crowd as I am pelted with even more crumpled pieces of paper. My gaze momentarily lands on a very disgruntled looking Zoe talking to her brother. I snap my gaze back to the floor before either of them can look at me although I can still feel Connor’s burning glance as I speed past. I think I hear someone call my name but I don’t stop, fighting against the panic growing inside me. I need to get away. I need to get away from everyone’s laughter and taunts as quickly as possible. My feet carry me to a very familiar hallway and I don’t stop until I get to the alcove in the wall. I barely slip into it before I am sobbing, slumping against the wall. Their laughter is still echoing down the halls, as if the building itself is taking pleasure in my humiliation.

I soon find myself on the ground, although I don’t remember falling. Feeling myself start to tremble, I notice my breath coming out too quickly. Too shallowly. But I can’t help it. I can’t help the tears from falling or my body from shaking. I have lost control of myself for the second or third time in the last two weeks; I can’t keep track. Then I hear footsteps, quick and almost completely silent on the tile flooring. I press myself tightly into the corner of the alcove, willing myself to become smaller, biting my lip hard enough to draw blood so I don’t accidently reveal myself. The last thing I need is for a teacher or worse the principal to find me in this sorry state.

Shit. The footsteps are getting closer. But they sound hesitant, as if whoever it is is looking for someone. I will them to walk past the hallway. I squeeze my eyes against the pounding in my head, pressing my forehead harder against my knees. My heartbeat is racing a mile a minute as I wait for the person to leave so I can get through this panic attack in peace. But then they turn into the hallway. Getting closer and closer until they're probably right on top of me. It’s an effort to keep myself from sobbing. I feel the person walk past. But I can’t hold it anymore. I let out a whimper, cursing my voice’s betrayal.

“Holy shit!” I snap my head up, butting heads with Connor. “FUCK!” He reels back, slamming into the wall across from me, clutching his nose. I retreat farther in myself, clutching my head and burying my face in my knees. I don’t realize I’m whimpering again until Connor is crouching in front of me. “Hey. Hey! Everything’s ok. I’m fine. I’m fine, see!” I look up into his face, searching and tracing every line and angle. The right side of his face is still badly bruised but it seems like his black eye has gotten better at least. But then I remember his near death just a week ago and the tears blur my vision. I try to bury my face in my knees again but Connor gently cups my face between his hands and forces me to look at him. “I’m fine,” he says firmly.

I try to form his name but my mouth won’t work. And I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! I try to quickly force air into my lungs but there is a buildup of pressure that won’t release. I stare wide eyed at Connor, clutching and squeezing his wrists. His eyes fill with fear as he realizes what’s happening. “Ok, ok. Oh god. Carmen you’re ok. You’re ok. Breathe. Just breathe!” But I’m trying. I’m trying but I CAN’T. Connor looks around, frantic. “Carmen, you’re safe. Nobody’s going to hurt you.” It doesn’t help, I wish it did. I want it to. Connor clutches his head, running his fingers through his hair franticly. “Fuck. I-I don’t know how to do this. You need someone who can actually help, damn it!” Connor gets up and I panic, knowing that he’s about to leave. I catch his wrist, pulling hard. He looks back at me and I can see that he’s battling with himself. He looks back one more time before sighing, crouching down and lifting me easily into his arms. 

"Is-is this ok?"

Jerking my chin in an attempt to nod, I twist my hands into his hoodie, panting now. Connor walks swiftly down the hallway towards the door that he stormed out of a week ago. The day that he was almost expelled. The day he disappeared. The day I found him in the park almost dead. The memories flash through my mind and I squeeze my eyes shut, burying my face in Connor’s chest. Cold air suddenly hits me as Connor steps into the dreary fall weather. I try to gulp down the fresh air but it’s only making me light headed. I can feel the world start to tilt around me.

“Carmen, hey. You’re ok. Just fucking breathe.” Connor’s voice sounds far away, like I’m under water. “Carmen!” Connor nudges me a little and I am briefly more alert. “Carmen, do what I do ok? Just breathe when I breathe.” Connor takes a deep deliberate breath and I try to follow his lead, although it’s almost too painful. “Good. Now exhale.” I can feel his warm breath on my forehead as I try my best to exhale. After a few more times, Connor finally gets me breathing normal, but I’m still trembling.

After a while Connor stops underneath a big, winding Willow tree. Connor crouches down and drops me gently into the grass. When he is satisfied that I am comfortable enough, he takes off his hoodie and drapes it around my shoulders as he sits down beside me, careful to not pull up the sleeves of his sweatshirt underneath.

“Th-thanks,” I finally manage to say, clutching his hoodie closer around myself. He grunts in response, staring off into the distance. I sit and watch his profile for a while, watching the breeze blow his hair softly. 

“What?” He suddenly barks and I flinch, turning my attention back to the school in the distance. Sighing he says, “Fuck. Sorry.”

“I-it’s ok,” I say softly. After a while I hesitantly ask, “why’d you bring me out here?”

He shrugs. “You needed to be far away from that...place.” Thinking that was the only explanation I would get, I lean my head back against the trunk, staring into the branches. After a moment he says “plus I thought it would help calm you down. I know Evan has a weird thing about trees so...”

“Just because you get one job that happens to involve trees, you’re suddenly obsessed with them.”

“Am I wrong?”

“No. But I’m not Evan.”

“I know. I guess I thought...I don’t know.”

“It’s fine Connor.”

I lean my head against the trunk, breathing in the fresh autumn air. “You found me,” he says after a long minute.

“Hmm?”

“You found me in the park after school last Tuesday.”

I sit up. “H-how do you know that?”

“Zoe told me. After I woke up. Said you caused quite the scene in the waiting room.”

“Fuck,” I mutter, hanging my head in my hands. Connor bursts out laughing. "What? It's not funny!"

"You kidding? My mom's reaction alone would have been priceless!"

“Well I’m glad I freaked out and fell asleep in the park for your enjoyment,” I say dryly.

“You did what?”

“I fell asleep in the park. Didn't Zoe tell you I wasn't at school for the rest of last week?”

“Jesus. Well if that’s not the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard-”

“Do you really want to die Connor? Because I can still make that happen.” Connor lapses into silence. Shit. “Connor I-I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. H-how is everything?”

“Fine.” He shrugs.

"Are you, uh, are you sure?"

"I said I'm fine! My life isn't your fucking business," he growls.

"You almost fucking died Connor! And I found you! How isn't that my business?"

"Just drop it ok? I'm not a fucking charity case. I don't need you...I don't need you to-to get involved. I'm a lost cause."

I shake my head. “I don’t believe it. You carried me all the way over here just to make me feel better. There’s still some light in you.” 

Connor ignores the last part of my comment. “You make it sound like I carried you up a fucking mountain," he scoffs.

“May as well should of been! Look at how far we are.” I gesture across the field to the tiny speck that is the high school. 

Connor lets out a surprised laugh that he tries to cover with a cough and gets up. “Shall we?”

“Ugh, I’ve already been late for two days in a row.” But I get up anyway, handing Connor his hoodie back.

“Man, you really wouldn’t want to know my record then,” he says, pulling his hoodie back on.

We make our slow trek back to school in a comfortable silence. I can't help sneaking glances at Connor every once in awhile. Maybe it's a way to assure myself that he's still here. Still alive. My gaze travels down to his wrists where I am almost positive are covered with scars. Does he...does he self harm? Why, why does he want to kill himself? Questions spiral in my head. I-I don't want Connor to die. I won't let him die.

He doesn't deserve to flicker out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let everyone know, if it feels like I am pumping out a lot of chapters lately it is because the first twenty chapters of this fanfiction have been pre-written. 
> 
> And if anyone's wondering why Carmen is being called gay it is because the students are focusing on the part of Evan's letter that says that all his hope is pinned on Zoe. Although it is not mentioned, the letter has been modified to put a lot of emphasis on that point.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen's past is revealed.

“There you are! Are you ok Carmen?” Jared asks as I take my usual seat beside him in the back. Connor and I had parted ways shortly after we walked into school, him stating that it’d be better if I wasn’t seen with him. His mood changes so fast it’s enough to get your head spinning. I had actually gotten him to laugh well barely but still. It’s like he thinks he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. I’m going to have to change that whether he likes it or not. He looks good with a smile. Like real good...“Carmen?”

I shake my head. “Yeah?”

“Where were you?”

“Taking a breather with Connor.”

“With Connor? As in Connor Murphy. Are you fucking insane?!”

“He’s not that bad.”

“Not that bad? Connor Murphy is bat shit out of his mind!”

“Shut up! You don’t know a thing about him. Plus he wasn't the one who lied to me.” I lower my voice, shooting an anxious glance around us. For once the attention doesn’t seem to be on me. Thank god.

“I'm sorry ok? Evan and I didn't know how to tell you without getting you upset."

"And you thought me finding out on my own would be any better? I had a PANIC ATTACK Jared!"

"Well, uh, this whole thing wouldn't have happened if Evan didn't write that weird sex letter-"

**SMACK!**

"THIS IS NOT EVAN'S FAULT!"

I don’t register what I’ve done until the whole classroom goes completely silent and there’s an audible shift as everyone turns to look at me. I’m mildly aware of my hand stinging but I’m more focused on the red angry mark stretching across Jared’s cheek, a dumbstruck expression on his face.

“Carmen, go to the principal’s office right now." But I’m already out the door, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and storming out of the classroom “Carmen! CARMEN!”

I race through the hallways, trying not to pay any attention to the gawking students around me. “Carmen? Carmen, hey wait up!” I am storming out of school when Connor suddenly steps into my path. Seriously how is Connor always right here when I need him? “What’re you doing?”

“What does it fucking look like? I’m skipping.”

Connor looks back into school and without another word follows me. “Mind if I join you?”

I shrug, and he seems to take it as a yes. He digs a joint out of his pocket and offers one to me. When I shake my head, he shoves it into the corner of his mouth, quickly lighting it with his cheap gas station lighter.

“How do you manage to carry that into school with you?”

“Perks of being the supposed high school shooter I guess. Teachers don’t really bother with me. They all gave up on me by grade six. Well really, they all gave up when I threw a printer at Mrs. G in the second grade.”

“You threw a printer at your teacher? How? Why?!”

He shrugs. “I wanted to be the line leader and she wouldn’t let me.”

“So you threw a printer? How the fuck did you manage that?”

“Let’s just say you really don’t want to anger a young Connor.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to anger this Connor either.” He snorts, taking a long drag from his joint.

“From the sounds of it, it seems like I shouldn’t anger you either,” he says, blowing out a bunch of smoke.

“Yeah, well....”

“Is that why we’re skipping? Where the fuck are we going anyway?”

“I don’t know. I just needed to get out of that class.”

Connor spins in front of me, and I slam into his chest. He suddenly takes a hold of my upper arms, clutching them to the point where I wouldn’t be surprised if there was bruises tomorrow. There's already a hazy look in his eyes. “What the fuck happened? Did someone hurt you? I swear if someone fucking hurt you-” He looks me up and down frantically until he takes in my still red hand. He clutches it, turning it over and inspecting it profusely.

“Connor, I’m fine. I promise. I just slapped Jared.” Connor snaps his eyes up. 

“You did what?”

“I slapped Jared.”

“Why the fuck-”

“Ugh, I don't really want to talk about it.”

Connor hums, lapsing into silence.

"He thinks you're bat shit crazy," I whisper.

"Wow. I definitely haven't heard _that_ one before." He takes another drag from his joint. "This is why I should have just kicked the bucket. Nobody fucking cares."

"I care Connor."

"No you don't. And you shouldn't. I'm not worth it." 

“Yeah, well join the club.” I mutter, kicking at the ground.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” When I don’t answer he steps into my path again. “Carmen, what the fuck is going on?”

“Nothing. Just forget about it.” I see a crosswalk ahead but Connor doesn’t seem to notice.

“What, so you’re allowed to help me but it can’t be the other fucking way around? That’s fucking messed up!” Anger shines in Connor's eyes. There’s a car coming quick up ahead.

“Connor stop-”

“No. Something’s fucking wrong. Stop fucking lying!”

“Connor. I’m serious, stop.” The car doesn’t slow.

“No Carmen. You can’t just brush this off-”

“Connor!” I pull his sleeve hard before we step onto the road. The car barrels past, so close that the wind of it blows me off balance, slamming me into Connor.

“Shit! Are you ok?” He grabs my elbow to steady me.

“I should be asking you that,” I huff. I straighten, brushing imaginary dirt off. Connor looks around before steering me away from the road, into what looks like an overgrown path in the bush beside us. “Connor where are we going?” I stumble after him, careful to step over the roots rutting over the path. He doesn’t respond, just starts to walk faster. The path doesn’t even seem to be a path anymore.

We walk on the path for what feels like forever. I’m pretty sure we have probably walked out of town by now. Where the fuck? We suddenly come across a metal fence, an empty field beyond it. “Connor where the fuck are we?”

“The apple orchard.”

“The what now?”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never been here?”

“Can’t say I have. And how the hell did we get here anyway? Are we even in Portland anymore?”

Connor points to the path we were just on. “I know a shortcut. Zoe and I used to take it all the time when our parents’ fights got too bad.”

"You’re parents fight?”

“All the fucking time.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugs. “Don’t all parents fight?”

“I wouldn’t know. My parents didn’t want me so...” 

After crawling beneath a warped part of the fence we walk up to the top of one of the hills, sitting down in the grass once we get there. “What do you mean your parents didn’t want you?”

“They placed me up for adoption when I was born, but nobody wanted me so I got sent to live in a foster group home. Which was pretty terrible by the way. It messed me up pretty good."

“But you’re here now.”

“Yeah. I stayed in the group home until I was seven. A few weeks after my seventh birthday when I had lost all hope of finding another family, I met Evan and his parents. His parents were going through a rough patch but they or at least Heidi thought adopting would be a good thing for Evan since he didn’t really have any friends. But his father didn’t really like that idea. He was tired of trying to be a part of their family. So after a very long process they adopted me. While filing a divorce.”

“So Evan is technically you’re brother?”

“Yup.” Connor lets out a relieved sigh. “What did you actually believe the rumors? Evan and I are not dating.”

Connor ignores me. “So wait. Why isn’t your last name Hansen then?”

“I wanted to still be connected to my biological parents in some way, I guess. Stupid I know.”

“Hey, it isn’t fucking stupid at all.”

“So what about you?”

“What about me? 

"Well...what’s your story?”

He laughs. “There’s really not much to it. My family’s pretty fucking messed up.”

“Come on! I told you my past, it’s only fair.”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Ok where to start? My parents have never been happy together. Ever since I can remember, they have always fought. Then when I got older, the fighting became about me. And it was like I could never do fucking anything right without them lashing out. Or my dad lashing out mostly I guess. I guess I should also mention that Zoe is the favorite.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Have you met my sister? She’s fucking perfect. She gets the perfect grades, she doesn’t do drugs, and she’s hella talented.”

“So? You’ve gotta be good at something.”

“Not much.”

“Well what are you good at? Come on, you gotta give me something to work with.”

“I like to do art. Like drawing and painting. That kind of shit you know? But I’m pretty fucking awful at it.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.”

Connor sputters. “W-what?”

“Show me your stuff. Do you have anything on you?”

After another moment, Connor reluctantly digs through his bookbag until he comes up with a thick sketchbook. I flip through them, most of them landscapes. All the lines are straight and precise. Perfect.

“Connor. Th-these are amazing.”

He whips his head back to me. “Y-you really think so?”

“Yeah! How the hell can you draw that so precise and detailed? Like some of these details-” I gesture to a landscape of what seems to be a cabin in the mountains of some sort, “I would probably never be able to see those in real life let alone draw them. Like the individual cones in the pine tree? Amazing.”

Connor ducks his head to try to hide his blush. Too late. I grin, nudging his shoulder. “You're really good, Connor.” He smiles shyly. We spend the rest of the school day shooting the breeze and watching the clouds shift above us.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After lunch, Jeremy and Carmen are approached by Rich Gornaski about a squip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this chapter. It is basically just a modified version of the squip song. And yes, I did add lyrics too.

I think everyone just enjoys yelling the word gay at all hours of the day. The sign up sheet for the after school play is up in the cafeteria now. I'm sitting with Jared, Michael, Evan and Jeremy. I had apologized to Jared for slapping him but it seems like there is a bit of a wedge between us now. 

We were talking about some physics test that we have coming up when Jeremy suddenly dazed off. “Jeremy? Jeremy?”

“Yeah, Jeremy isn’t available at the moment,” Michael says, nodding behind me. I turn around to notice Christine Caniglia signing up for the after school play. I turn back in time to see Jeremy get up.

“Jer-Jeremy?” 

Jeremy, as if he is sleep walking, walks straight up to the sign up sheet and signs his name. As soon as he’s done, everyone collectively yells “GAY!” Jeremy’s face goes beet red and he ducks his head in embarrassment.

I sigh in annoyance, getting up. Evan grabs my sleeve, trying to pull me back down. Walking up to the sign up sheet, I sign my name underneath Jeremy’s. When everyone starts to laugh, I yell “What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Everyone goes silent for a second. Then they all yell “GAY!”

“Hey what makes you think you can pick on them like that?” I swing my gaze to look at a girl in a blue blazer who is now standing up amongst the popular kids surrounding the tables. I remember her as the girl arguing with Heather Chandler that day in the parking lot. 

“Veronica, shut up. You don’t need to defend those losers anymore,” Heather says. 

“No. You don’t have the right to pick on them-”

“Veronica.” 

“If you keep treating people like this, you’ll end up as a future gas station attendant.”

“VERONICA! Do you want to be one of us or not?”

I clench my fists, waiting for her response. She stands more hesitant now, glancing between us and Heather. After a long moment, she sits down, pretending to be engrossed in her food.

I let out a bitter laugh. “Fuck you. Fuck all of you.” I storm out of the cafeteria.

“Carmen-” Jeremy chases after me.

“Jeremy leave me alone.”

“Carmen, wait.” I ignore him, walking as fast to my locker as I can. He grabs my elbow. “Hold on-”

“Trouble in paradise?” I whip around to see a short little guy leaning against the wall.

“Who the hell are you?” I glare at the boy, before realization dawns on me. “You’re that new kid right?”

“You wish.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ugh, I’m not new. Nameth Rich Goranski. Ring a bell?”

Jeremy and I share a confused look. “No,” we say in unison. We give him a weird look and try to walk past him.

“No, don’t move!” He jumps into our path, giving us a nervous smile. “You don’t remember me freshman year, do you?”

“We already said no. Leave us the fuck alone.”

“Yeah. You didn’t go here freshman year.”

“Y-yes I did. Thee you just didn’t notise.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Nobody did.” He looks around frantically and beckons for us to follow him. Jeremy and I share another look and despite our better judgement, we follow him.

“He sounds like a fucking lunatic,” I whisper, keeping my eyes on Rich’s back. He leads us down to......“You gotta be fucking kidding me.”

We’re standing outside the men’s washroom. “I’m not going in there.”

“Carmen come on.”

“There’s nobody in there,” Rich says.

“How do you know? You haven’t even looked inside.

He shoots me a very mischievous smile. “You’ll see.” He swings open the door, waiting for us to enter. This kid is kind of scaring me.

“If this is some fucking joke, I’m going to kill you,” I tell him as I walk in. He locks the door on the way in. Ok now I’m fucking terrified. What’s he gonna do? Murder us?

“Freshman year, I didn’t have a girlfriend or a clue. I was a loser just like you-” I glare at him, but the truth of his words start to sink in. I am a loser. “Good times would only soar by. I was gross as every female would attest. My sexting was a futile quest.” He shows us his phone and I recoil, my stomach rolling. I try to swallow the bile rising in my throat. “I was hopeless and helpless. Every time I crossed the hallway, I would trip. But then I got a squip.”

“A quick?” Jeremy looks at me as if I know all the questions. I shrug, looking back at Rich. And why is Rich suddenly rhyming? What are we, high school musical?

“Not a quick. A squip.”

“We’ve just never heard of it before,” I say.

“That’s the point! It’s top secret, can’t even find on the internet, shit.” He pulls out a pill. “It’s from Japan. It’s a grey, oblong pill, quantum nano technology CPU. The quantum computer in the pill will travel through your blood until it implants in your brain and tells you what to do.”

“So it’s like....drugs?” I jab Jeremy in the ribs. He grunts, trying to hide his discomfort. 

“Oh, it’s better than drugs Jeremy.”

“How do you know my name?”

Rich completely ignores him. “Picture this: nobody cares if you’re late. ‘Cause even teachers think you’re great. Your weekend’s just a full on slate of blowout benders of teenage rockstar venders!”

“He’s rhyming again,” I mutter to Jeremy.

“I know. It’s kinda creeping me out.”

“Right now you’re helpless, so helpless and you’re almost hopeless. On the school’s social map you’re just a blip.”

“Here we go again,” I say when I feel more rhyming coming on.

“But if you take my advice and you pay the listing price, you go from sad. To interesting. Yeah you’re whole life will flip! When you buy a squip.”

“Sounds cool.”

“Are you fucking serious? You don’t find this at all sketchy Jeremy? We’re talking to a fucking lunatic.”

“Come on, don’t tell me this doesn’t sound awesome to you.”

“Jeremy don’t-”

“You’ll see.” I glare at him. “Come on it’ll be fun!”

“No. I’m not risking it. What if it kills you?”

“Rich isn’t dead.”

“Come on. It helps you to be cool,” Rich says, holding out his hand with two oblong pills. 

“She’ll come around. I’ll take both.”

“Jeremy-” But he’s not listening anymore. I throw up my hands. “I’ll be outside being a normal teenager if anyone cares.” 

I walk out of the bathroom, right into Connor. “Umpf.”

“Sorry,” I mumble. 

His brows furrow. “You know that’s the men’s bathroom right?”

“Yeah I know.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me Carmen?” He says it jokingly but I tense anyway. I smile weakly, fiddling with my hoodie’s zipper. I try to walk away, but Connor stops me. “Hey, is everything ok?”

“Yup,” I say to quickly darting my eyes to the bathroom door.

“You know you can talk to me right?” 

“Have you ever heard of a squip?”

“A what?”

“A quantum computer in a pill that travels through your blood until it implants in your brain and tells you what to do?”

“Did you hit your head or something?” Connor looks genuinely concerned now.

“Ugh, never mind.”

“Hey, uh. I’m going to the orchard, do you want to join?”

I look back to the bathroom door and then at Connor’s expectant almost anxious expression. “Sure. Yeah, I’d love to. I need to take some pictures for my photography class anyway.”

He grins. “Perfect.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day at the orchard. Newsies makes an entrance.

We are in our usual spot atop the hill, Connor with his sketchbook and me with my camera. I am supposed to get some nature pictures for my photography class and it is the perfect fall day for that. The trees are turning the beautiful autumn colors of varying degrees of orange, gold, and red. No wonder it’s called the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard; it’s absolutely spectacular in the fall. And the view! I can’t get over how beautiful the view from up here is. I spend most of my energy on the big forest scape in front of us. I still can’t understand how we can walk here from Portland. It feels so isolated. 

Connor is furiously scribbling in his sketchbook beside me, hands smeared with charcoal and hair falling around his face in disarray. I study his profile for a long while as he keeps shoving his hair out of his eyes in frustration. A sudden idea strikes me. I grab my phone and zoom in on his downturned face, snapping a quick picture for me to play around with later. He’s too concentrated on his drawing to notice.

“GAH!” He yells, trying to fling his too short hair over his shoulders in anger.

“Here.” I sit down beside him. “Do you have a hair tie?”

He glares at me. “Do you really think I have one?”

I sigh, grabbing a hold of my ponytail and pulling the hair tie loose, allowing my dark messy hair to spill over my shoulders. Connor quickly averts his gaze, hiding behind his hair but I swear his cheeks turn a pale shade of pink. He turns his back to me, already focusing back on his drawing. I reach to pull his hair behind his ear. He flinches away.

“You ok?”

“Uh, yeah. Is that fucking hot pink?!”

“Huh? Oh yeah. So what?”

“Fuck. Nevermind.” 

I shrug, pulling his hair gently away from his face. I try to smooth it as best as I can but his hair is so messy! “Do you ever brush your hair?”

“I gave up when my hair starting getting too thick. OW!” He yelps when I accidently snap the hair tie while trying to shove all his hair through it.

“Sorry!”

“What the fuck are you trying to do to me?” He asks through gritted teeth, becoming very agitated. I peer over his shoulder as I finish tying his incredibly messy bun. 

“What are you drawing?” From what I can see it’s a desert peppered with odd square buildings.

He takes a long time to answer. Finally he says, “ It’s um...it’s just a stupid drawing of a city that I’ve heard of.”

“What city?”

“Uh, Santa Fe.” I burst out laughing, falling back into the grass. 

“What? What’s so fucking funny?!”

I push myself onto my elbows. “Oh nothing, it’s just you remind me of this kid from a musical that I watched a while ago named Jack Kelly.”

Connor’s eyes snap to my face. “Jack Kelly? You’ve heard of Newsies?”

“You kidding? I love Newsies. We watch it all the time.”

“You and Evan?”

“Yes, but Jared was actually the one to introduce us.”

“Jared? As in Jared Fucking Kleinman?”

“Yup. He’s a big fucking nerd.”

"Huh. I wouldn't have taken Kleinman as a theatre geek."

"You'd be surprised. His favorite song is 'King of New York'. Can't say I don't agree. Especially with all the hot guys tap dancing."

“You think Christian Bale is hot?" Connor crinkles his nose in disgust, eyeing me warily.

“Christian Bale? I don’t remember him being in Newsies.”

“Umm...He fucking _played _Jack Kelly?”__

__“Uh, no he didn’t.”_ _

__“Uh, yeah he fucking did.”_ _

__“Connor what the fuck are you talking about? Jeremy Jordan played Jack Kelly.”_ _

__“What the fuck are _you _talking about? Jeremy Jordan wasn’t in the Newsies movie.”_ _ __

__

__“The movie? I didn’t know they made a movie adaption already. It just opened on broadway a few years ago. Although it unfortunately didn’t stay on broadway for-”_ _

__“Broadway?” Connor's brow furrows in confusion._ _

__“Uh, yeah? What did you think I was talking about?”_ _

__“The 1992 Disney movie? What the fuck are you talking about?” I sigh, getting out my phone and pulling up my go to broadway streaming website. I pull up the Newsies preview and show it to Connor. His eyes go wide. “You weren’t fucking kidding.”_ _

__“Nope. I wasn’t kidding.”_ _

__“So you’ve never seen the movie then?”_ _

__“Obviously not.”_ _

__“You should. It’s fucking fantastic.”_ _

__“Yeah well, so is the broadway version.”_ _

__“I don’t care how good it is. It can’t fucking top the movie.”_ _

__“We’ll see.” I shoot Connor a mischievous grin._ _

__“Oh no. What does _that_ fucking mean?”_ _

__“We need to have a Newsies marathon.”_ _

__He chuckles. “No we don’t.”_ _

__“Obviously we do. Do you have the movie?”_ _

__“Of fucking course.”_ _

__I nod. “Can I come over later then?”_ _

__“Wait. What?” He chokes and almost swallows his joint. He quickly spits it out, coughing a bunch of smoke. Under different circumstances it might have been funny but there’s a fair amount of alarm on his face._ _

__“Well if my company is that unwanted, I’ll just-” I scramble up, my face heating with shame. How could I be so stupid? Of course Connor doesn’t want to hang out with me. The only reason he probably hangs out with me is because he pities me. How could I not see this-_ _

__“Hey! No wait!” Connor grabs my wrist, pulling me to a stop. Tears are streaming freely as he spins me around. “Fuck no, I...I didn’t mean...it’s just my parents and Zoe, they’ll start asking questions that I really don’t want to answer....Fuck. Please, just...please stop crying.”_ _

__“If you don’t want to hang out with me anymore just say it-”_ _

__“What? No of course I don’t want to stop hanging out with you. Why would you fucking think that?”_ _

__“You never want to hang out in school. It-it’s like you’re ashamed of me or something.”_ _

__“Yeah because of me! Cause Jared would probably fucking kill me."_ _

__“Look it doesn’t even matter anymore."_ _

__“See? I’m ruining everything for you!” What? Connor suddenly starts pacing back and forth frantically._ _

__“Connor. No. That's not-”_ _

__“This, uh, this was a bad idea.” Connor tries to thread his fingers through his hair, making the bun even messier._ _

__“What?” Tears blur my vision._ _

__“Yeah. We, uh, we shouldn’t hang out anymore. This was a fucking mistake.” Connor takes another large step back, stumbling._ _

__“Connor. P-please don’t do this.”_ _

__“Just...just forget about me. I’m not worth your friendship.” He shoves his sketchbook in his messanger bag and as I try to walk toward him he takes off, nearly running down the hill. I should be running after him._ _

__What’s wrong with me?  
What’s fucking wrong with me?_ _


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> School is shit.

I trudge back to school and am only fifteen minutes late for my English class. I try to wipe the misery off of my face before I step into class, hoping I will not be pelted with any more letters. Instead, Kurt’s obnoxious voice greets me.

“Well look who decided to show up. This has gotta be a new record,” he says as I sit down next to Alana near the front of the class. I try to ignore him but it only results in, you guessed it, getting pelted with a letter. I duck my head in time for it to fly by, landing in the recycling bin. I hear Kurt and Ram complaining about it not hitting me before giving each other a high five about it landing in the recycling, spouting really stupid recycling jokes. 

“Can you just shut the fuck up?” I yell, twisting my chair to look at them.

“Wow. Gay girl over here has a temper today,” Ram says to Kurt jabbing his thumb at me. I seriously wish I could have the power to glare a hole into each of those asshole’s heads. A dark head catches my eye and I look over at none other than Connor. Seriously?! Can I have five fucking minutes away from this guy. Then I remember the guy that I nearly ran into on the first day of school. He was tall. God that was Connor. Ugh. I turn around quickly before I have to make eye contact. 

“ENOUGH! Everyone back to work,” Mr. Williams says, going back to doing whatever he does on his desktop.

All I have to do is get through this period and then I can come home and forget all of this even happened. But the idea of trying to forget about Connor shoots a pang in my heart. Ok maybe it’ll be harder than I thought. I flip open my book, trying to read the first few chapters of Frankenstein. God I hate English class.

**RING!**

Thank god. I slam my binder closed, about to get up and bolt. But that didn’t work out so well the last time so instead I pretend to fiddle with getting everything in my arms until everyone has emptied out of the classroom. I force myself to look down when Connor brushes by. Why didn’t he just go home when he ditched me earlier? I try not to think of it as I walk back towards my locker.

More notes cover my locker and I begin ripping them off in frustration. “I hate this fucking school,” I say to myself, struggling to get the tap off. 

“Need help?” I startle, whipping around to see Zoe awkwardly standing behind me, shifting her backpack uncomfortably.

“Uh, sure I guess. Thanks.” I shuffle to the side, allowing Zoe more room beside me.

“I’m sorry about all of this.”

I shrug. “It’s not your fault.”

“I know. I just wish I knew which one of those dicks did this,” Zoe says, crumbling a punch of tape and paper in her hands. “Who would even write something like this? It’s kind of creepy. Like the whole ‘all my hope is pinned on Zoe’ deal doesn’t make any sense to me. What if there’s someone at this school that is only alive because of me? That’s what is worrying me. I can’t have that kind of responsibility.”

I bite my tongue from telling her about Evan. “Yeah, it’s uh, it’s pretty weird. But I can kind of see why they’re pinning all of this on me. Like I am basically Evan’s only friend so...” Damn it. Evan wouldn’t want me to say that. “I mean like Evan has Jared, Michael, and Jeremy but like, they’re pretty busy.”

“Right...” We lapse into silence. “What about? Nevermind.”

“Hmm? What were you about to say?”

“Oh, uh, nothing. I was just thinking about Connor.”

“What about Connor?” There’s more venom in my words than I intended. Zoe catches on.

“Did something happen between you two or something?”

“What? Pfff. No. What are you talking about? I don’t even hang out with-”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, with as much innocence as I can muster.

“It doesn’t take a genius to know that you guys sneak out of school together to go to the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard.”

“How-how did you know about that?”

“You’re forgetting that Connor and I snuck out of the house together when we were younger. Plus it is _so_ easy to sneak up on you too.”

“Wait you followed us?!”

Zoe cracks a smile. “ Yup. Let’s just say, when you have a very unpredictable brother, you gotta learn to sneak around so you don’t set him off.”

“Set him off?”

“Oh, yeah. Connor has really bad anger issues. Can’t really blame him though, although it’s hard when he bursts into your room screaming at you for no reason.”

“He’s never screamed at me before. Although I have noticed that he goes through major mood swings.”

“Yup. Part of being bi-shit I’m not supposed to talk about it. Connor will kill me.”

“Wait what do you mean?” Zoe thrusts all the paper and tape into my hands and races down the hall. “Zoe!” What the fuck was she talking about?

I peel the remaining notes off my locker before throwing everything in the garbage. I shove everything into my tattered backpack, about to leave before remembering that I should hand in the pictures that I took today. Nope not gonna think about the rest of that...situation. I grab my camera, quickly taking the memory card out and stashing it in my pocket, racing off to Ms. Mare’s room. 

I get there right as Ms. Mare is leaving. “Wait!”

She turns to look back at me. “Carmen? Everything ok? You weren’t in class today.”

I catch my breath. “Yeah, sorry. I had, a uh, a doctor’s appointment that I forgot about. But I got the pictures for my nature assignment.” I fish around for the memory card, dropping it into her palm. 

“Oh! Well you could have just given it to me tomorrow.”

"I uh, well...I was so excited to show you that I, uh, couldn’t wait.”

“There’s my perfect student. You’ll be a wonderful reporter one day, Carmen.”

I force a smile. “Yeah, I really hope so.”

Ms. Mare pats my shoulder. “Well enjoy the rest of your evening. See you tomorrow.” And with that she takes her leave.

I make my way down the hallway, passing by the band room. I stop, backing up a few steps and peeking in. Empty. My gaze travels to the grand piano and without fully realizing what I am doing, I set down my backpack and take a seat. I haven’t played piano for so long. Not since....the accident. I stretch my fingers before placing my hands delicately on the keys, closing my eyes. An old piano piece comes to mind and I start to play, allowing the music to guide my fingers around the keys. I avoid using my right foot for the pedals for obvious reasons and instead try using my left. Which feels really unnatural.   
The music builds and I let the music encompass me. I am filled with an overwhelming sense of freedom as I get into the rhythm of playing again. The world fades and it’s just me and the piano. After what feels like forever, I am brought back to reality with a huge crash. I jerk around, darting my eyes to the hallway. But nobody’s there. Weird. I sigh, taking up my backpack and heading outside to where an angry and agitated Jared and Evan wait.

“Where the fuck were you? We’ve been waiting for ages!” Jared slumps against his car dramatically. 

I roll my eyes. “Ugh, shut up Jared. I just had to hand in my photos for photography class.”

“M-Ms. Mare left ten, uh, ten minutes ago.”

“Really Evan?!” I can’t believe he sold me out.

“Yeah, so what took so long?” Jared crosses his arm, cocking his head to the side. 

“Zoe was helping me rip Dear Evan Hansen letters off my locker,” I say in defense.

“She, um, left with Connor a few minutes ago too.”

“Evan!”

“What? It’s, uh...it’s the truth.”

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. 

“So? Where were you?”

“Why does it matter? I’m here now, let’s go.” I try to step toward the passenger door but Jared steps in my way.

“Where the fuck were you?!”

“Jared let it...let it go. Carmen, she uh, doesn’t have to, uh, to tell us.”

“No! I’m not going to fucking let it go! She was gone practically the whole afternoon and then just decides to show up right before school ends. Why? Where. Were. You?”

“That’s what this is about? Where I was this afternoon? Fine. I was with Connor!”

“Of fucking course.”

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“It means you should remember who your friends are! You think it’s ok to just dump us for that freak?”

“Connor is not a freak,” my voice shakes with barely contained anger.

“Yeah he is! Why can’t you fucking see it?”

“J-Jared,” Evan warns. 

“I mean what is so special about him? He’s a psychopath! He’ll just ruin your life!”

“That’s enough Jared. You know what? I’d prefer to walk home.”

“Go right ahead!”

“Fine, I will.” I start walking away, tears burning my eyes as I try to conceal them. I clench my fists until it hurts. But I barely notice it. I barely notice anything as I start walking down the street, avoiding everyone’s laughs and sneers. I need to get out of here. I duck into an alleyway, slumping against the brick wall. The tears start falling as I stumble farther down the alley, hoping it’s a shortcut back home. 

“Aw. Why so sad, girl?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen has a creepy encounter in the alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mention of rape

I jerk back as a man lurches out of the shadows towards me. I search myself for any weapons, coming up empty. Panic swells up. This can’t be happening.

“Bad day at school honey?” My stomach roils in disgust as I try to get more distance between us. 

“Stay away from me!” I yell, hoping my voice doesn’t shake as I back away slowly towards the near empty street. 

“Shhh! Hey, no need to yell. We’re all friends here,” he cracks a sleazy smile as he reaches toward me and I try to kick him away, stumbling on something and falling back into a garbage can. He’s approaching faster now and I try to push the garbage can over hoping that it’ll roll and knock him over like what happens in those cool action comedies. 

I finally knock it down and kick hard to get it to start rolling. “OW!” I yelp, hopping on my injured leg, which probably is not the best idea. I carefully put weight on my left foot as I watch the garbage can roll, very slowly towards the man, stopping right before him.

“Really? Nice try.” He rushes me, grabbing my backpack strap and slamming me against the wall. I can smell the stench of his breath as he leans toward me, pressing me against the wall. He holds my wrists above my head and looks at me with the eyes of a predator looking hungrily at his prey. 

“Let go off me!” I try to shove him off me with sheer will, but he just shoves me back harder. I kick him hard but he traps my leg. “Back off!”

I hear a click before the man freezes. “I believe the lady said to back off. Unless you’d prefer for me to get involved.” The man abruptly lets go, running back down the alley. I slump to the ground, pulling my legs up. I hear a gunshot before silence settles in the alley. I look up to JD tucking a shotgun back in his trenchcoat. I flinch, pushing myself away from him. But then I find myself backed into the side of a dumpster. 

JD approaches, crouching down in front of me. He reaches out, holding onto my forearms with bruisingly force. I try to squirm out of his grasp, tears flowing down my face in thick streams. “D-don’t hurt me! L-let me go! Please!” I scramble to get on my feet but I find myself slipping on the gravel. Panic replaces the adrenaline and I curl in on myself.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come on!” He glances behind him, grabbing my forearm again. He tries to pull me to my feet but I just try to tangle myself into the fetal position. “Carmen, seriously. Come on!” Shouts erupt from the end of the alley closest to us. “Fuck,” JD mumbles harshly under his breath. He manages to force me to my feet, dragging me to the other end of the alley.

“Stop where you are!” A group of cops is standing around us simultaneously. JD jerks me to a stop. We carefully turn around to face the cop who is pointing a gun at us. Wait no, at JD. 

“I think there’s been a mistake. I’m just trying to take my girlfriend home,” JD wraps his arm lazily my shoulders. I try my best not to flinch from the contact but my best isn’t quite good enough this time. 

“Let the girl go.” JD glares at the cop. “Now!” The cop takes a threatening step forward. JD quickly lets go of me and I’m gently pulled away. “Put your hands up!” The lead cop roughly pulls JD’s hands behind him, cuffing him.

“There’s seriously no need to do all this. I wasn’t hurting her.”

“Really? Then what are these from?” The cop holding me pulls up my sleeve, indicating the already fingerprint sized bruises blooming on my forearms. She glares at JD. “This is your idea of not hurting her?”

“No. I swear it isn’t what it looks like!”

“Enough. Bring both of them to the police station,” the lead cop says. We are guided to the police stations waiting outside the alley. I am put in a separate car than JD and I don’t know what to feel. The car ride is silent as I stare into space out the window. I press into the seat, hunching my shoulders in my attempt to get into my panic position. I am wracked with small shakes.

We arrive at the police station and after getting all our personal information, I am seated right outside the temporary cell that they put JD in. He slams his fist into the brick wall and I flinch away, curling into my fetal position. I watch as he sits down only to get back up to start pacing the length of the cell, like a tiger prowling the length of a cage. Every once in awhile he stops to glare at me like it’s _my_ fault he shot that gun. I wrap my arms tightly around myself as I feel my shakes turning into trembles.

I spend however long we’re there staring numbly at the wall, trying hard not to panic. There’s a ruckus by the front desk as some people stomp in. They seem vaguely familiar but I’m too numb to care. I burrow my head into my knees, waiting for Heidi to come pick me up.

“What the fuck did you do this time?” 

“How about saving your little friend over there from getting raped?” I imagine JD dramatically gesturing at me. I just curl in tighter, hoping for all of this to be a nightmare.

“Carmen? Carmen, hey. What happened?!” I look up slowly and look down at Connor crouched in front of me. He looks more worried than I’ve ever seen him. He tries to reach out but I flinch away, thinking back to the alley. God, I just can’t get it out of my head. Connor lets his arm dangle but doesn’t move. “Carmen, you’re ok. I won’t hurt you.”

My trembling has become so violent that I can’t control it anymore. Connor gets up, draping his hoodie around my shoulders. Despite what he says, I tense, utterly terrified. I try to meet his gaze but all I see is an achingly deep sadness. A sadness that I caused. I look down at the floor before I bury my face back in my knees. I hear Connor walk back over to JD, listening to them whisper no-doubt about my encounter in the alley.

“What the fuck happened? Tell me everything!” Connor suddenly barks. I jump, tightening my grip around myself. 

“I don’t know man. When I got there, she was being pressed up against the wall trying to fight the pervert off.”

“Why the hell was she there in the first place?”

“You think I fucking know? I’m not a mind reader. She’s lucky I was on my way to 711 or she would have been raped by now.”

“What did you do this time?” Zoe suddenly says, walking in from probably wherever her parents are. 

“Ugh! Excuse me for trying to be the heroic hero.”

“Carmen?! Are you ok? What happened?” Zoe rushes to my side, crouching in front of me just like Connor. I flinch away, everything suddenly sounding too loud. “What the hell happened?” She yells at the two boys. 

“Rape.”

“She was raped?!”

“No, but almost. Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t been there?”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She’s having a panic attack,” Connor speaks up. This feels different than my other panic attacks though. I just feel numb.

“Carmen, breathe. You’re safe, you’re safe,” Zoe tries to say, sitting down beside me. “Is she normally this quiet?”

“No,” Connor says. I imagine his brow furrowing. “She’s normally hyperventilating.” Connor crouches in front of me again. “Carmen, you gotta breathe. Please...just breathe.” He carefully takes my hand and places it on his chest, letting me feel the gentle rise and fall of his breathing. This time it’s a little bit easier to breathe normally again. Why is Connor even helping me? He told me this afternoon that he didn't want to be friends.

“Carmen, you’re mother’s here,” one of the officers says, walking in. “Dean, you’ve been bailed out, you’re free to go.” I hear the rattle of keys as the officer lets JD out. I look up as I hear Heidi walk in, Mrs. and Mr. Murphy beside her.

“Oh, honey,” I flinch at the word as she comes toward me, arms open wide. Without realizing it, Connor manages to start rubbing soothing circles into the back of my hand with his thumb. “Let’s go home.”

Connor gets up, moving back towards where the rest of his family has gathered, letting Heidi help me on my incredibly shaky legs. Without fully acknowledging it, Heidi slips my arms through Connor’s hoodie, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. I think I catch a small smile on his face as Heidi carefully leads me away, but it’s gone in a blink of an eye.

Heidi helps me into the car and drives me home in silence. Probably because she has no idea what to tell me, which is normal. Heidi is a good mom and she tries her best but she just...she doesn’t understand. We get home and she gently guides me inside to two waiting boys. 

I stare at the floor, unable to meet their gazes. Although I can feel Evan’s anxiety from here. I look up briefly at Jared to see his face full of regret and sorrow. He tries to walk towards me, extending his hand. 

“Carmen, I-I’m sorry.”

I stumble backwards into Heidi. “No,” I manage to croak out. Jared’s face fills with pain but doesn’t advance. Heidi gives the boys a sad knowing look before guiding me into the bedroom. I immediately collapse onto my bed, curling into myself. I don’t plan on getting out of bed anytime soon.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang tries to drag Carmen to the mall.

“Carmen, come on. Get up.”

“Nope. Fuck off Jared.”

“You need to come back to school some time.”

“Yeah, well. Not today.” It’s been two weeks since the encounter. I haven’t left my bed since. Well except for bathroom breaks but that’s still very minimal. The only real reason I change clothes is because it bugs Evan but if it were my choice, I’d probably still be in my clothes from last week. 

“When was the last time you even left this room?” Jared looks around the mess of my half of the tiny bedroom.

“Last night.”

Jared raises his eyebrow. “Oh, really? And where did you go? The bathroom?” I don’t answer, instead trying to fall back asleep. “Yeah, the bathroom doesn’t count. Or anywhere else in this house.” I glare at him before burying my face back in my pillow. He roughly takes my pillow, throwing it across the room.

“What the fuck Jared? What’s your problem?” I jolt up in bed, just about ready to slap him again. 

“You need to go to school.”

“Ugh, just leave me alone,” I say as I pull my blanket over my head. “You’re not my mother.” It comes out more muffled than I hope.

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that,” Jared pulls the blanket away. “What did you say?”

“Fuck. Off.” I try to pull the blanket back over my head but Jared keeps a strong hold on it. “Seriously Jared. Just let me die in peace or put me out of my misery already.”

“Come on, it’s been two weeks. And nothing bad even happened.”

“But it could have! I was almost raped Jared!”

“Pff. But you weren’t.”

“Yeah, no thanks to you,” I mumble. I try not to look at him, glaring at the wall instead.

“I-I said I was sorry,” he says softly. 

“Just stop, Jared. Please.” He sighs in defeat before shuffling out of the room, closing the door behind him. I lie back down, curling tightly into a ball, sobbing. I’m surprised I haven’t run out of tears yet. I look over at the desk that is full with an ever growing pile of homework that I have yet to do. I’m gonna be so behind when I get back. If I get back. I hear the soft click of Evan locking the door behind them as him and Jared go off to school.

It’s the same routine every day. One of them, either Jared, Evan, or Heidi come in and try to convince me to get out of bed. It never works. They haven’t been desperate enough to try dragging me out of bed yet, so I guess I should be thankful for that at least. But they always leave. I wish they wouldn’t because it leaves me with my thoughts. All I can think about is that man’s disgusting breath on my neck and his meaty, sweaty hands on my wrists. The worst is his voice though. I hear his voice echoing in my head, haunting my dreams. I’ve barely slept a wink lately and if I do I normally accidently wake up Evan with my screaming. It’s like every waking and sleeping moment is ruined by flashbacks of the event. I wish I didn’t walk away that day. I wish I had just let Jared rant about how awful he thinks Connor is, but something about Connor always makes me defensive.

Connor. I haven’t seen him since we were in the police station. I hope nothing bad has happened. I don’t think I could handle it if something did. I want to keep this messed up kind of friendship going. Is it even a friendship anymore though? I hope it is. I want to get to know him. The real him. The him that he hides behind all his anger and darkness. The him that I see on top of the hill, scribbling passionately in his sketchbook with his hair falling all over his face. I want to get to know Connor Murphy.

I grab my phone from my side table, pulling up the picture of Connor that I took that one day. I start editing, fuzzing the edges and sharpening his features and softening his hair. But I spend all my focus on his eyes. I make the picture black and white, except for his eyes. I play around with the colors, trying to make them as accurate as possible but dulling them a little to make it look more realistic. 

I don’t realize I’ve fallen asleep doing it until I feel a hand shaking me gently. I flinch away at the touch, my eyes flying open. Evan stumbles back, jerking his hand back. “Hey...uh, Hey Carmen.”

I relax slightly, sighing. “Hi Evan.” I yawn. “What are you doing here?”

“Uh...”

I look at my lock screen on my phone. 3:45. Holy shit. I sit up. “Did I really sleep all day?”

Evan nods so quickly, he may as well be a bobble head. It’s actually kind of hurting my head watching him. “Ev, can you please stop?”

“Oh, uh. Sorry,” he says, grabbing his shirt. 

“So what’s up?”

“Umm, well...”

Shouting abruptly fills the house. “What the hell?” I swing my legs off the bed, walking to the bedroom door in long swift strides. Perks of being tallish. I swing the door open to see Jared arguing with Connor, Zoe trying to pull Connor back. They look like they’re about to tear each other’s throats out. I cross my arms, leaning against the door. I clear my throat, and every head whips toward me.

“Jared can you stop harassing Connor?”

“I-I’m not harassing him! You don’t even know what we were saying.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You really want me to believe that?”

“You’ve had it out for me since freshman year!” Connor yells, trying to shove past Zoe to no doubt strangle Jared. Evan is basically cowering behind me.

“Yeah because you’re a fucking freak!” Connor tries to take a step forward and Jared stumbles back, losing his sudden burst of confidence before rushing at Connor.

“Jared, don’t!” I yell. Zoe’s really struggling to hold Connor back. 

“Just because I threw a printer in second grade does not make me a freak! If anything you’re the fucking freak!"

Connor and Jared start screaming at each other. I don’t need this shit right now. I pinch the bridge of my nose. 

Eventually Jared yells, “Get out! Get out of my house!” 

I snap. “Jared STOP! This is not even you’re fucking home. You don’t get to kick my guests out, even if their uninvited.”

“HA!” Connor yells in triumph, flipping Jared off. Jesus, these two are just a couple of three year olds. Jared scowls, but backs off. Zoe doesn’t let go of Connor’s sleeve though.

“Th-they’re not....they're not uninvited,” Evan says, coming to stand beside me. 

“What?”

“We...” Jared glares at Evan. “I thought you needed someone else to-to make you, uh...feel better?”

I sigh in frustration. “You guys seriously won’t give up on this will you?”

“We’re just really, uh, really worried about you.”

“There’s no need to. I’m fine.” I flop down onto the old, worn grey couch.

“You haven’t left this house in two weeks! Not to mention, sleeping,” Jared says, deliberately keeping as much distance between him and Connor as possible.

“Guys. I’m fine. I just lost interest in school.”

“Look in the mirror, Carmen! You’re an absolute wreck!” Connor yells.

“Gee, thanks. I really needed that right now.”

“Carmen we-we just want to help.”

“There’s nothing to help! I’m fine.”

“Look just come to the mall with us. It’ll make you feel better,” Zoe says. The mall? That’s their solution?

“You guys go. I’ll stay.”

“Ha nice try. What Zoe means is, you’re coming to the mall with us whether you like it or not.” Connor crosses his arms, leaning against the wall. Oh so now he wants to hang out with me. Zoe glares. “What? I’m not leaving until we get Carmen out of this dump.”

“Hey!” I glare at Connor. Evan looks down at his shoes, scratching his palm. They all stand around me, waiting for my response. This house really isn’t meant for this many people. I sigh, “will you guys leave this alone if I go?”

Everyone lets out a collective “yup” except for one “nope”.

“Who the hell said that?” Nobody answers. Of course.

I don’t even fully get up before I am ushered quickly out of house, Evan nervously locking up behind us. We all pile into Zoe’s fancy maserati, Connor and Zoe in the front and Jared, Evan and I squished together in the back. I sit behind Connor so Jared can’t kick his seat or try to kick his head. Because I know he’d definitely do that from past...experiences. Evan is squished strategically between us, as a kind of buffer. I don’t think he’s very happy about it.

We get to the mall and of course there’s a huge argument about which stores we are going to. 

“Well I want to go to Cosmic Monkey Comics,” Jared says.

“What the fuck kind of name is that?”

“Oh because Jackpot Records is _such_ a better name.”

“Can you guys not bicker for five minutes. God, it’s like you’re an old married couple,” Zoe remarks.

“I know right?” I grin, taking pleasure in the boy’s matching scowls.

“Ok here’s what we’re going to do. Jared and Evan will go to their comic book store. Carmen and I will go to Bath and Body Works or Lush or something and Connor can do his own thing. What time is it?”

“Uh, 4:30,” Evan says, checking his watch. 

“Perfect. We’ll meet in the food court in an hour then.” With that, we all split up, heading for our designated stores.

Zoe drags me to Bath and Body Works. I stare lazily at the perfumes, very disinterested. I pass another aisle when I am suddenly sprayed with a very sweet smelling perfume.

“Gotcha!” Zoe laughs.

“Oh, you’re gonna get it now.” I grab the closest perfume bottle that I can find and chase after Zoe. I spray her with a perfume called Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte and she pairs it with a purple colored perfume called Plum Cider Warmth. We go on like this for forever, until we’re eventually forced to buy all the perfume or be kicked out.

We walk out of Bath and Body Works with a bag full of assorted fall perfume. “What the hell are we going to do with this? I don’t even wear perfume, I just like the shower gel.”

I shrug. “Find a friend who does and then you’re set for Christmas and Birthday gifts for 10 years.”

We both burst into a fit of giggles, walking into Lush. What we find there drives us into hysteria. 

Zoe, Jared, Evan, and I walk back toward the food court where we are supposed to meet Connor. “I can’t believe you were in Lush of all places. Smelling bath bombs,” Zoe says to Jared, still laughing.

“Shut up.”

“Come on Jared! You looked like you were ready to start eating them. I didn’t realize you had such a Lush fetish. Oh wait until I tell Connor this! He’ll never let you live this down.”

“Don’t you dare!” We get to the food court, walking around until we find Connor sitting in a booth by himself near one of the various pillars, half in darkness. I plop down across from him, hanging the bag of perfume on the back of my chair.

“Kay so what do we want?” Zoe asks, taking a seat beside Connor.

“New York Fries,” Connor and I say in unison. I laugh and Connor cracks a small, almost nonexistent smile. But Zoe and I both notice.

“What about you guys?”

“Pff. Pizza obviously,” Jared says.

Everyone leaves to get food, Connor taking my order for me. I drum my fingers on the table anxiously, every nerve in my body tense. I flinch at even the slightest movement. Why am I here again? This was a terrible idea.

Someone brushes against me as they walk by and I jump, panicking. “Hey, you’re ok,” Connor says as he sits down, placing the food tray between us, distributing the fries. He has the regular fries and gravy and I have a small meat lover’s poutine. I pick at my food, suddenly disinterested. “I mean it. You’re ok.” Connor reaches for my hand across the table, rubbing circles into the back of my hand again. He looks at me with so much determination that I kind of believe him. My breath hitches as I hold his burning gaze. The rest of the gang get back and Connor drops my hand, quickly tucking his hand underneath the table. A flare of sadness overcomes me and I try not to choke on a rising sob that I successfully smother down.

We try to have a pleasant dinner but of course Jared and Connor’s bickering ruins it slightly. “Hey guys!” I look up to see Michael and Jeremy bound towards us.

“Hey, look who finally left the house,” Michael says as he takes a seat on the right side of me while Jeremy hesitantly sits beside Connor, shifting none too subtly away. He has a mountain dew with his burger and fries. He doesn’t touch his fries as Michael starts picking at them. 

I force a grin. “Yup, I would have been dragged out of that house whether I liked it or not." Jeremy nods, distracted. He takes a sip of his mountain dew, seemingly taking a large gulp. We start talking about seeing Jared in Lush when Jeremy suddenly jerks out of his seat. “Jeremy?” He falls onto the ground, twitching and spasming violently. 

“J-Jeremy?” Michael jumps down beside him, unsure what to do. “Jeremy!”

He suddenly gets up, stumbling towards me. I jump out of my feet, jerking back.

“Stay away from her!” Connor jumps up, gently grabbing my elbow and subtly positioning himself between us.

“Guys. I’m fine. I’m fi-” Jeremy falls back down, spasming and screaming. I start to cry, the familiar trembles of a panic attack coming on. Chaos erupts around us.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen has a panic attack and guess what? More angst!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Panic attack, nightmares

Everyone in the food court crowds around us and I am torn away from my friends, being jostled by a dozen people. I can’t deal with this. I’m trapped. What if I can’t find any of my friends? What if they leave me? What if-

Someone pulls me back and I scream, thrashing in their grasp. I try to break away, kicking them away. They turn me around and I can tell they are yelling something at me but I can’t hear anything over the clatter around us. I start punching the person holding me in the chest, tears blurring my vision. Their shaking me but that only causes me to punch harder. Finally the person grabs my wrists, holding them between us. 

They bend down and I am met with a pair of blue eyes with a brown splotch in one. “It’s me. It’s me,” he says.

I cry in relief, twisting my hands in his hoodie and burrowing my face in his chest. He hugs me tightly for a second before grabbing my hand and weaving me through the crowd. But it’s like we’re going against the tide. The crowd keeps pushing back and I start to feel my hand slip out of Connor’s. I start to panic before he lets go and grabs my arm instead. I’m starting to trip and stumble on my cast when we finally get out of the crowd. Once we are out, Connor lets go, all but sprinting through the mall.

“Connor where are we going? What about Evan and Zoe?” As an afterthought I say, “and Jared?”

“They’ll be fine,” he dismisses.

Connor leads us down an abandoned hallway that used to be used for renovation purposes. When I realize that we are very far from everyone else, I start to falter, remembering the encounter in the alley. 

“Connor, I-I don’t feel comfortable.”

“We’re almost there. It’s ok, nobody will bother us.” Despite my better judgement, I start to panic. Oh god, what if Connor....what if he....what if this is trap? 

A knot forms in my stomach and my mouth suddenly becomes very dry. Abort. Abort. Leave now. Why aren’t you leaving? LEAVE.

I try to catch up to Connor, nearly falling over my cast. I grab his arm and I swear he actually winces when I tug him to a stop. “Connor. Stop. Aren’t we a little far from everyone else?” I try to keep my voice from shaking but that takes a lot of effort when you can barely breath. But Connor still hears the hesitance in my voice.

“Hey. It’s ok. You’re safe. Nobody will find us here.” When he sees that my expression has only worsened, he takes my arm. I instinctively flinch away from his touch. His open expression immediately closes off and his eyes become stormy. “Y-you...You think I’ll hurt you right?”

“N-no. Connor th-that’s not...that’s not...” I want to explain to him that it’s only my anxiety getting the better of me but I am having a harder and harder time being able to speak. I reach out to him but he lurches away.

“Bullshit! You can’t even form a proper sentence. You think I’m a freak too right? A freak that lures his best friend to an abandoned hallway in a crowded mall so that I can take advantage of her right? Y-you just want to prove it to everyone else here right? This friendship was just a lie wasn’t it? Just so you could prove it to yourself that...that I am just a...a monster.”

“NO! Connor-”

“Yeah, well fuck you!” Then he’s gone, storming back down the hallway.

I fall against the wall, clutching my stomach as I let out a ragged sob. He hates me. Connor hates me. If only I could have said something. If I had just said something. God I hate myself. Why am I like this? I ruin everything. My mind spirals out of control and more and more depressing thoughts race through my head.

An obnoxious buzzing fills my head, pounding against my skull. I fall to the ground, clutching my head. I crumple in on myself, my breathing becoming uneven and harsh. I suddenly have a metallic taste in my mouth and realize I split my lip from biting it so hard. The taste is too overwhelming and I end up choking, throwing up my lunch....and dinner all over myself. I rest my head against the wall, feeling the darkness close in around me. I’m vaguely aware of laughter and far off footsteps. I don’t bother to lift my head, trying to ride out this panic attack. Even as my whole body is wracked with violent trembling.

I hear a yell and I am just conscious enough to know that someone is running towards me.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.”

“First the freak in the food court starts freaking out. Now this? What’s next? Connor Murphy shooting up the mall?”

I let out a growl but it comes out more as a groan. I peer up through my lashes to see a small girl with short hair crouching in front of me and a pissed off looking guy towering over us.

“Oh my god.” How many times does she have to say that? “Jake what do we do? She looks like she needs medical attention.”

“She's fine.”

“Are you serious? Look at her. She’s about to pass out....” Too late. The darkness creeping around the corners of my vision consumes me and I am dragged into the shadows. 

 

_I’m back in the alleyway. It’s quiet and darker than I remember. Shadows flicker around me and I jerk back, slamming into something. I look up and shriek, trying to run away. ___

____

__

_“Aw. Why so scared, girl?” With superhuman speed the monster lashes out, clutching my arm with its claws. ___

____

____

_I spin around, shoving the monster away, twisting my arm free. Without looking back, I start sprinting. The shadows press against me like a physical barrier, pushing me back towards the monster slithering behind me. ___

____

__

_I push through the darkness reaching towards me, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I run harder, feeling myself breaking away from the shadows. Then I slip in a puddle of...something. ___

____

____

_I crash backwards, cracking my skull as I land. I rub my head, looking up. A dark figure emerges from the shadows, stalking towards me. I scramble backwards, trying to get back on my feet but slipping in the puddles. I hear slithering behind me before something bands around my neck, keeping me in place. ___

____

____

_The figure stops directly in front of me. I peer up at them, bile rising in my throat. I hear a click and then the figure is pressing a gun to my forehead, it’s hook of a thumb hovering over the trigger.... ___

____

__

___I scream, jolting up, one word hanging in the air. Cold sweat drips down my neck, plastering my hair to my forehead.__  
_

__Someone launches onto the bed. “Hey, you-you’re ok. You’re ok. I’m here.” Evan wraps his arms around me, tightening his grip when I start to tremble. We stay like that until my breathing is a little better and my trembling is under control. “You’re, uh, you’re safe now.”_ _

____________“I just want to forget it,” I say, burying my head in my arms. I peek a look at Evan, noticing his furrowed brow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Suddenly there’s a crash from outside. I jerk my head up in alarm, my breathing quickening again. Yelling and swearing soon follow. I retreat in myself before Evan envelops me in another hug. I burrow my head in his shoulder as the door behind us opens. His grip slackens as two people come in._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I twist around to see Heidi come in in her nurse get up. Wait why is she in her scrubs? I survey the room around me and have a sudden realization that we’re not home. Why are we in the hospital?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“How are you feeling sweetie?” Oh thank god she didn’t say honey._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“O-ok,” I croak. I try to hide my distress from earlier, giving her a weak smile. Then I notice the other person for the first time. Connor stands awkwardly beside the door, staring at the floor. I scrunch my face in confusion. “Why am I in the hospital?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Connor snaps his head up. Heidi, Evan, and Connor share a look. “Y-you don’t remember?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I shake my head. “Oh honey, you had a panic attack. A couple found you half conscious in an abandoned hallway. If they hadn’t have found you....” Heidi’s eyes fill with tears and I try not to panic, honey echoing in my head. Everything comes flooding back. Connor leading me away from the crowd. The one sided argument with Connor...._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________But why is Connor here now then?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Evan looks between Connor and I, neither of us daring to look at each other. He scrambles off the bed, talking quickly to Heidi._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Heidi clears her throat. “Well, uh, if you need anything, I’m just a call button away.” I nod absently as Evan leads her out of the room, shooting an anxious knowing glance between the two of us._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________And then we are alone. I fiddle with the covers of the bed nervously, feeling Connor shift uncomfortably by the door. He takes a deep breath. “I-I’m...god. I-I’m so sorry.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I snap my head up. “What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Please don’t-don't make me say it again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Connor-”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I know I d-don’t deserve your forgiveness or to even be here but I..I had to make sure...had to make sure you were-were alright.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Connor?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“God I’m such a fuckup. I told you this would happen. I told you I would h-hurt you and now you...you’re in the hospital. This is why we shouldn’t have become friends. Why the fuck do I keep trying? And I-I can't even follow through with the idea of pushing you away. I-I shouldn't even _be_ here. This is why I should have just fucking killed myself-” Connor tries to bolt out of the room._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t ever say that again.” He stops in his tracks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Now it was Connor’s turn to look shocked. “What the fuck did you just say?” His voice is soft, broken._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I try to get up, taking a step towards him. But then I start to fall. Connor gets to me in a couple long strides, catching me. He wraps his arms protectively around my waist._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“I said, don’t ever say that again.” After a pause I say, “you deserve to live.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He snorts. “No I don’t.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Yes. You. Do.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Why do you keep insisting that?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Because it’s true.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No it’s not. If there is one person in the whole fucking world that deserves to die, it’s me.” He looks down, not meeting my gaze._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Please don’t say that. It would sure suck if you left m-. I mean, uh, if you left Evan and I. And uh, Zoe.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He’s still looking at the floor as if it’s the most interesting thing in the world. “Hey.” I reach up and gently lift his head, gazing into his eyes. “I care about you. We all do.” Connor’s eyes bore into mine, searching, searching for any trace of a lie, any trace of mockery. When he finds none, something seems to snap in him and he buries his head in the space connecting my neck and my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and we stay like that for a long time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________After what feels like forever, we break apart. Although I would be perfectly content to stay in his arms for forever. Wait what? Where did that thought come from?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I look back at the side table beside my bed and notice my laptop sitting on top of it. An idea comes to mind. I sit back down on the bed, placing the laptop in front of me, crossing my legs gingerly since the cast is still in the way. God, it’ll be so nice to get that damn thing off. I give Connor a mischievous grin. “Wanna break the law?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________He raises his eyebrow. “Depends. What are we gonna do?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________I smile slyly, tilting the screen for Connor to see. “Newsies.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen and Connor watch Newsies until _someone _decides to interrupt them. Carmen learns why Connor and Jared hate eachother so much.__

“I got nothin if I ain’t got SANTA FEEEEE!” Connor and I sing in unison. Since we don’t have newsies hats, we are forced to fling our hoods off as we reach the last note. And Connor. Holy shit he can actually _sing _the high note.__

__“How the actual fuck?!” I pause the video, gaping at Connor._ _

__“What?” Connor looks down, his ears turning very red as his face flushes with…embarrassment?_ _

__“How the hell did you learn to sing like that? And why did you never tell me?”_ _

__“I-I don’t know. It’s easy to notice key changes I guess? And I, um....I’m good at mimicking it?” He scratches the back of his neck nervously, still refusing to meet my gaze._ _

__“You and Zoe need to form a band.”_ _

__“W-what?! No way!” Connor whips his head around to look at me._ _

__“Oh come on! It could be fun. Zoe on the electric guitar, you on vocals. And you could pick a really cool name for yourself like Zonnor or Murphy Mania or-”_ _

__“You are out of your fucking mind,” Connor huffs, clasping his hands behind his head and leaning against the headboard._ _

__“Come on! It could be fun,” I say, nudging his elbow._ _

__“Nope. Never gonna fucking happen. Not in a million years.”_ _

__“How about in a billion?”_ _

__Connor rolls his eyes. “How about no?”_ _

__“A trillion?”_ _

__“For fuck’s sake Carmen! No. Can you give it a fucking rest already?” I give him pout and sigh dramatically, folding my arms over my chest, mocking hurt._ _

__“What did you fucking do to piss Murphy off this time?” Jared says as way of greeting, walking into the room. Evan trails behind, keeping his head low. Jared’s gaze slowly travels down to my open laptop, displaying the paused Newsies bootleg. “HEY! You started Newsies without us?! Some friend you are.”_ _

__Evan looks up. “R-really Carmen?” His lips curve up in a small smile._ _

__“Well I was just gonna drop off this delicious little meal but I can’t leave now that Newsies is on. Make way.” Jared sets down the tray in his hands and scooches unceremoniously on the bed, squishing me into Connor. I’m forced to pull my legs up from being cross legged and lean as far into Connor as I can. I am suddenly very aware of where my left shoulder touches his and I can practically feel the warmth pulsing in that area. Evan perches on the chair beside the bed thank goodness. Although if he was on the bed, there would be a very good chance of seeing Jared fall of the bed.... “Well what are you waiting for? Press play already!”_ _

__“Oh, uh. Yeah.” I lean forward a touch, trying not to jostle Connor’s arm in the process. We start watching again, but I can’t even really focus with how close I am to Connor. He’s completely still, his arms folded tightly across his chest. I sneak a glance at his face and he looks pissed. I never knew he hated Jared this much. I look between the two, what the heck happened between the two of them?_ _

__We are interrupted again by the extremely loud gurgling of my stomach. “Shhh,” Jared says. “This is the best part of King of New York.”_ _

__“Well I’m sorry if I’m hungry,” I mumble, looking longingly at the tray of food._ _

__“Hey fuckface! How about you let Carmen eat her, you know, dinner,” Connor yells at Jared pointing to the table beside him._ _

__Jared doesn’t even hardly notice, grabbing the tray without taking his eyes from the laptop screen. He nearly spills everything all over it! He plops the tray haphazardly in front of me._ _

__“Jesus,” Connor mumbles._ _

__I look at the mush on the plate, mournfully taking a fork full of mashed potatoes. “Uck,” I say, pushing the plate away from me. “Thanks Jared! My food got cold.”_ _

__“You’re welcome,” he says absently._ _

__Connor grabs my hand, pulling me off the bed. He wraps his arm loosely around my waist so I can use him as support to walk. Evan shoots me a pointed anxious glance as we leave._ _

__“Sorry,” I mouth as Connor pulls me out the door._ _

__As soon as we step out of the room Connor visibly relaxes, letting out a relieved sigh. “Jesus Christ.”_ _

__“Sorry, I didn’t realize Jared was gonna visit.”_ _

__“It’s fine.” He doesn’t sound fine. Connor tugs me to the direction of the hospital cafeteria. I try to tug him to somewhere private but I trip. Connor instinctively tightens his grip around my waist. He understands the cue and leads us to a bench behind a bunch of plants in the indoor garden area._ _

__“What....What happened between you and Jared?”_ _

__“Nothing,” Connor says harshly, furiously starting to pick at his black nailpolish. How did I not notice that before?_ _

__“It doesn’t sound like nothing. Every time you’re together, you’re at eachother’s throats.”_ _

__“Yeah because we hate each other!”  
“Yeah and I wanna know _why _. Come on, Con you can talk to me. Who am I gonna tell?”___ _

____He sighs in defeat. “Fine. Ugh, Jared, uh, he....he started bullying me in freshman year after I, uh....after I broke his glasses.”_ _ _ _

____“That’s what this is fucking about? About a pair of glasses? Did you do it on purpose?”_ _ _ _

____“Fuck. No! Well, I uh, I got shoved into him and his glasses fell off. And I tried to step away, but I ended up stepping on his glasses. I guess he assumed I did it on purpose? Then as the year went on, my...my mind started going haywire and I starting acting out. He...he thinks I’m a freak.”_ _ _ _

____“Have you tried telling him that?”_ _ _ _

____“No. Every time we’re in the same room together we get into a fucking fighting match.”_ _ _ _

____“You should apologize.”_ _ _ _

____“I didn’t even fucking do anything!”_ _ _ _

____“Even if it was an accident, maybe it’ll help to apologize to him? If there is one thing I know about Jared, he holds a lot of grudges. And I mean a LOT. One time he only got a 89% on his math assignment and he flipped his shit over it. He wouldn’t get over it for the rest of the school year. But he’s not a complete dick once you get to know him.”_ _ _ _

____“I guess.”_ _ _ _

____“Look. Why don’t we worry about this later? I’m starving.”_ _ _ _

____Connor chuckles, getting up and extending a hand to help me up. We each get some fries and return to my room to find Jared asleep on my bed, the laptop forgotten._ _ _ _

____Evan looks up from his Harry Potter book. I think he’s onto the fifth book by now. His eyes lit up when Connor hands him a salad. I sneak back onto the bed, shooting Evan and Connor a mischievous grin before I shove Jared, sending him tumbling off the bed._ _ _ _

____“Shit!” Jared yells, fixing his glasses. “What the fuck?”_ _ _ _

____Evan, Connor, and I are nearly doubled over, cackling. “You kind of asked for it,” I say, indicating the rumpled bed._ _ _ _

____Connor steps forward, extending a hand to Jared who flinches. Connor rolls his eyes. “Look. I’m sorry about breaking your glasses in freshman year. It was a complete accident and I am sincerely sorry.”_ _ _ _

____Jared glares at Connor for what feels like forever, all of us holding our breaths. Finally Jared slowly takes Connor’s hand, allowing him to pull him to his feet. “Fine. You’re forgiven. But you’re still an asshole.”_ _ _ _

____Connor grins bitterly. “Tell me something I don’t know.”_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. It all started with breaking a pair of glasses. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan suggests to skip school.

The next day I stay with Evan while he gets his cast off. He’s a nervous wreck. I hold his hand the whole time. The worst is when the doctor guy comes with the saw thingy to cut it off. Evan is nearly in tears and I have to give him a paper bag to make him stop hyperventilating. He screws his eyes shut tight while the cast is being taken off, probably expecting his entire arm to be sawed off.

“Evan, you can look now.” He doesn’t move.

“Ev,” I nudge his arm and he jumps nearly four feet in the air. He whips his head to me, his eyes wide with panic. I set my hand on his shoulder. “Ev, you’re ok. It’s over.” He looks down at his arm, pale except for where the cast hadn’t covered his arm, providing for weird looking tan lines and freckles. He visibly relaxes, sighing in relief. 

“Now that wasn’t so bad was it?” The doctor asks, giving Evan a smile.

He returns a nervous smile. “I uh, I guess not.”

“Thank you doctor,” I say, leading Evan out of the room. We find Heidi attending one of her patients. She says something to her patient, before slipping out of the room. A look of regret and guilt passes over her face.

“Oh gosh. I’m sorry guys, I can’t take you back to school. One of the other nurse aides that normally relieves me called in last minute and can’t cover me. Do you think you can take the bus or something?”

“Oh, uh...sure. Yeah. Of course,” Evan says, nodding his head vigorously.

“Thanks! Love you. Gotta go, see you at home. Bye!” Then she’s closing the door and leaves us in the hallway.

“Bye,” we say in unison to the empty air. I take Evan’s arm and lead him outside. We sit on a bench by the parking lot. Evan searches all of his pockets, clearly in distress.

“You ok, Ev?”

“Uh, yeah. Well, actually, um. No.”

“What’s the-”

“Ican’tfindmybuspass. I uh, I looked, everywhere and I, uh...I just can’t find it. Th-they won’t, uh, they won’t let me on without it. And I don’t have any money! You may as well go without me, I’ll uh..I’ll just, I’ll just walk. But then I’ll be extra late for our Environmental Geography class and the teacher will definitely get mad and everyone will be looking-”

“Evan. Evan! Hey, breathe. It’s ok. We’ll figure something out ok? I’ll just pay for your bus ticket.”

“No! No you can’t. I’m uh...I’m not worth it,” Evan whispers the last part, fiddling with his polo shirt.

“Ev, come on. It’s ok.”

“No. It’s not!” He runs his fingers through his hair in fast, aggressive motions. How the hell hasn’t he pulled all his hair out yet?

I scoot closer to Evan, pulling out my phone.

Me: _Hey Jar, can you pick Ev and I up at the hospital?_

Not two minutes later, Jared responds. _Uh you realize i’m in class rn rite?_

Me: _Well can you like ditch or something?_

Jared Kleinmeme: _No can do. Have major test today. Speaking of, G2G_

“Ugh! Well. Looks like we’re walking.” I get up, starting to walk. I hear Evan shuffling behind me, struggling to keep up with my long strides. We’re on the main ring road when a beat up looking car pulls up beside us.

“Need a ride?” Connor pokes his head out of the driver side window. I grin, walking around to the passenger side. Evan sits in the back, swinging his backpack onto the seat beside him. Connor pushes the passenger door open for me and I gratefully climb in.

“Our hero.” I swear I see his cheeks turn a very pale, almost nonexistent pink. 

Connor clears his throat. “So did you guys like ditch or something?”

I burst out laughing. “Evan? Ditching? That’s hilarious!”

“Hey!” Evan actually sounds offended. “I uh, I’ve ditched before.”

“Ev. You can’t call having a panic attack and going to the office to call Heidi ditching.” 

“Does that actually happen?” Connor asks, turning left.

“Uh, have you MET Evan? That’s basically his default setting.” Connor chuckles softly. 

“Th-that’s not true!”

“Ev, come on. You almost passed out when you saw the doctor with that saw thingy.”

“Saw thingy?”

“Yeah. Evan got his cast off today.”

“Ah.”

We drive along in silence for a while, Evan and I trying to adjust to the very distinctive smell of weed floating around Connor’s car. I hope Connor isn’t high right now.

“Let's uh....”

“What Evan?”

“Nevermind. It was, it was uh...it was pretty stupid anyway.”

“Ok.”

“Can we, uh...Can we ditch?”

Connor slams on the brakes. “W-what?” We both swivel to look at Evan, staring at him as if he’s grown another head. “You’re not fucking serious.”

“I uh...I um, I am?”

“Ev, seriously we were joking.”

“Nah, I think he’s right. He’s never done anything wrong before. I think it’s about fucking time to take away some of that innocence. Let’s skip.”

“You do realize how much school I’ve missed?”

“Yeah and skipping one more day won’t fucking change anything.” A car honks behind us. “Come on, I know the perfect place.”

Connor does a U-turn, heading past the hospital and out of town. The drive seems really familiar. We drive up this big hill, and follow a long winding road. It’s honestly kind of terrifying with how windy it is today. Colors start to blur past as Connor accelerates on the gas. I take out my camera and start snapping random pictures through the window. We go over another hill and as we go over it, I take the perfect picture right before we go down. It is basically a optical illusion, making the car appear like it’ll tip over the edge of the hill, with the still beautiful fall trees spread out below us.

Connor lets the car pick up speed as it rolls down the hill. I look behind me to see Evan holding his backpack tightly to his chest while his other hand is wrapped tightly around the _oh shit _handle. He looks like he is about to throw up. I knew this was a bad idea.__

__“Con, can you slow down a little?”_ _

__“Come on, it’s fine. I’m completely in control of this car.” At that moment, a fox jumps onto the road not ten feet away from us and we quickly swerve around it, jerking this way and that. I hear Evan dry retching in the back. “Not in my fucking car!”_ _

__I turn to see Evan’s head in his backpack. “He’s not. I think he threw up in his backpack.”_ _

__“Ugh. Yeah I think I can fucking smell it.” Connor digs his nose into the fabric of his hoodie. He flicks the car air freshener on and it immediately fills the car with the smell of pine. I look back at Evan who is slumped forward in his seat, his head resting on his knees._ _

__The silence turns tense for the rest of the drive. Connor’s gaze is trained on the road and he makes a point of slowing down for Evan’s sake. An old 80s CD plays dully in the background. After a long while, Connor drives into a mostly empty parking lot beside this old dingy looking shack. The sign above the door says ‘A La Mode’ and it looks like it’s about to fall off._ _

__“We’re here,” Connor announces, mostly for Evan’s benefit who still looks fairly sick. We both get out and help Evan out. Connor lets Evan lean against him and he guides us into the...ice cream shop?_ _

__The ice cream place looks kind of like an old log house. The floor is so worn down, I’m surprised there isn’t a groove in it. Mismatched tables and chairs are spread out around the small space. Vintage metal signs cover the walls, looking like they’ll all fall off if you so much as look at them. A miserable looking girl probably a few years older than us occupies the counter._ _

__“Hey can you order for us? I’ll go help clean up Evergreen over here.” Evan _does _still look green.___ _

____“Ok what do you want?”_ _ _ _

____“Salted Caramel Mocha for me,” Connor looks over at Evan who can barely stand on his own two feet, “And the homemade hot fudge for him. It looks like he could use it. It’s the best,” Connor says over his shoulder as he leads Evan to the bathroom._ _ _ _

____“What can I getcha?” The girl says mournfully, looking like she will slightly kill me._ _ _ _

____I repeat Connor’s order and get myself a rocky road cone. I give the girl the change and find a quiet table in the corner. It’s a few minutes yet until Connor comes back with a slightly more alive Evan. I push Evan his sundae before handing Connor his salted caramel mocha._ _ _ _

____“Thanks,” He says, licking his cone._ _ _ _

____“How the hell do you know about this place anyway?”_ _ _ _

____Connor shrugs. “When my family could still stand each other, we’d go to the Orchard every weekend. It became a tradition to grab ice cream from here on the way.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah well, this ice cream is amazing. Evan how do you like yours?”_ _ _ _

____“Hmm? Oh it’s...it’s uh, it’s good.” It doesn’t even really look like he’s touched it. He seems lost in his head._ _ _ _

____“Hey, Ev? You ok?”_ _ _ _

____“Hmm? Oh, uh, yeah. Of course. Why would anything, uh, why would anything be wrong?”_ _ _ _

____“Because you’re not eating your ice cream. What’s wrong? You love ice cream.”_ _ _ _

____“Uh, yeah I do. It’s uh, it’s just that...that I’m not very hungry, I guess? I uh, I still have the aftertaste of my breakfast in my mouth, I guess.”_ _ _ _

____Me having already finished my cone, get up and grab another spoon, helping Evan finish his sundae. Connor joins in and it’s mostly just us eating now. Evan gives up completely, instead scratching his arm subconsciously probably expecting the cast to still be there._ _ _ _

____As we leave, Evan climbs into the backseat while Connor and I linger by the passenger door of his car. “I know I didn’t want to ditch class today, but I had fun. So thanks.” Without thinking, I lean forward and kiss Connor’s cheek. After realizing what I have done, I pull away quickly, nearly leaping into the passenger seat. My cheeks flame with...embarrassment? Shame? It’s just a kiss on the cheek, it doesn’t mean anything._ _ _ _

____Right?_ _ _ _


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen goes back to school.

Going back to school on Monday is…weird to say the least. Rumors about the letter have slowed down but now everyone seems to think that I wouldn’t be coming back. They whisper to each other as I pass in the halls, sneaking anxious glances. But the funny thing is, I always notice when they look at me. In fact, it’s like my body is attuned to that kind of thing. Another day, while I was talking to Evan at our lockers, one girl, Martha I believe her name is, came up to me and without warning pulled me into a bone crushing hug saying how happy she is that I’m still alive. 

Even Ram and Kurt have been acting weird. They have stopped harassing me in class and instead watch me as if I'm about to disappear in a puff of smoke. Why do they care anyway? They have been nothing but awful to me and Evan since freshman year. But now. Now it's like they've become two different people.

Surprisingly, Connor actually sits with us at lunch now. Not all the time, but he normally voluntarily sits with us the half of the time that he's actually at school. It's nice, although there is still a little bit of tension between him and Jared. But they're trying and that's what matters. But although Connor is sitting with us now, I notice an absent seat beside Michael. "Hey so what's up with Jeremy?"

"Apparently he's too cool for us now." Michael jabs his thumb angrily towards a table farther over. Sure enough, there's Jeremy, laughing and hanging with Rich and Jake, several different girls practically draping themselves over him. Including the Heathers, their sickly bright blazers and matching skirts and socks giving me an eye sore. Uck, who do they think they are anyway? They probably got their idea from Mean Girls.

"Huh. Guess the squip worked after all," I mumble, playing with whatever monstrosity is on my lunch tray.

"What did you say Carmen?" Jared asks, looking up from a video he had been showing Michael.

"Oh, uh. Nothing." After one last attempt at eating the mush on my plate, I get up from the table. "I'm uh, I'm going to go to the library and work on my World History project."

"Oh come _on _Carmen. You've been locking yourself up in that place all week. You gotta take a break every once in awhile," Jared says.__

__"He's uh...he's got a point Carmen," Evan pipes up, looking up at me anxiously._ _

"Yeah and what do you call being here? _This_ is my break, Jared." 

____"Well it's not much of a break. Look, Michael's coming over after school to play Apocalypse of the Damned. You and Evan should join us. It might you know, bring you out of whatever study-" Jared waves his hand around as he's searching for the word, "funk you've got going on."_ _ _ _

"I'm not in any kind of.... _funk_ Jared!" 

__

__

______"I think the 10 empty Starbucks coffee cups in your locker beg to differ."_ _ _ _ _ _

"Ugh. Fuck you."

"Come on, you love me."

I roll my eyes as I take my tray, dumping the remnants in the garbage bin and heading to the library. I hear Jared try to talk to Connor before he sidles up beside me. "So World History huh?"

"Yup. I hate it. Why learn about stuff that happened like hundreds of years ago?"

Connor shrugs. "Make sure we don't repeat history I guess. I dunno, I find it interesting."

I look over at him. "Wow. Connor Murphy is interested in _history_?" 

He rolls his eyes. "I do have interests yes. I'm not a _complete_ loser, you know." 

__

__

"GASP! Connor Murphy has _interests_?!" 

_____ _

_____ _

_____ _

_____ _

______Connor bumps my shoulder. "Shut the fuck up," he laughs._ _ _ _ _ _

______We make our way to the library, comfortable in each other's company. One thing I've come to know about Connor is that he is actually really funny. Like really funny. His favorites are the classic knock knock jokes and why the chicken crossed the road. Apparently he'd joke around with his mom all the time when he was younger. When he gets to that part of the story, he lapses into silence, taking a sudden interest in his chipped black nail polish._ _ _ _ _ _

______"So when did you start painting your nails?" I ask as we make our way to the farthest table in the library. He looks up at me, surprised, as if he had forgotten that I was with him._ _ _ _ _ _

"Oh uh. Middle school I think? Fuck, it feels like I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. Larry _hates_ it." He smiles bitterly down at his fingers. I pull out my laptop, bringing a word document out to start the incredibly long essay. Like why do I have to write 8 pages about the history of Japan? My textbooks become spread out along the length of the table. Connor leans back into the chair, tipping the chair back before a sheet on the table catches his eye. He scans the page before raising an eyebrow. "'Pick a country on the map that you don't know much about and write the history of it in eight or more pages. Be sure to include key events, people, and the time in which everything takes place.' Sounds intense. So you're doing Japan?" 

__

__

________"Yup. Didn't have much of a choice. It was the last available country." I point to the diagram of the map on the page, all of the countries crossed out, Japan highlighted in a big circle._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Oh. Well fuck. I can help with that."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"You, you can?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Shit yeah. Have you ever seen the YouTube video 'The History of Japan' on Youtube? It's like nine minutes long and covers the basis of Japan's history. I found it pretty useful."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________"Oh, no I haven't heard of that. Can you send me the link?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"I would but you never gave me your phone number." For some reason a huge blush creeps up my face and it _burns_. I duck my head, quickly scribbling my phone number on a scrap piece of paper before passing it to Connor, refusing to meet his eyes. Are my hands shaking? Why the fuck would they be shaking? It's just a phone number. In a matter of seconds, I get a text from an unknown number with the link to the YouTube video. I look up at Connor, noticing that he's looking down at his nails again. I bite my lip, an idea forming in my mind. 

__

__

__________I plug Connor's number into my contacts before typing in 'Connor Smurfy', imagining Connor in one of Evan's bright blue polos. I raise my phone, snapping a picture. Connor whips his head up in surprise. "What the fuck are you doing?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Nothing," I say sweetly, innocently blinking up at him before photoshopping Connor's picture. I raise my hand up to cover the grin spreading across my face before Connor gets up off his chair and swipes for my phone from across the table. "Connor no!" I try to stretch my arm out, hoping my height would give me an advantage. I start tipping farther back, the chair balancing on its back legs. But Connor is still taller than me by a few inches and easily reaches the hand that stretched out. I fling my arm around, but then I tip too far back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________I squeal, trying to get my balance back. Then Connor grabs my wrist, pulling me forward. The front legs of the chair land with a thump and my I'm pretty sure my heart skips a beat. We stay like that for a minute; me sitting in the chair, my arm raised in front of me, and Connor, leaning across the table, breath heaving and fingers encircled around my wrist, his eyes boring into mine. My breath catches and Connor suddenly lets go, snatching the phone from my grasp. He looks down at the picture and his face turns a dark shade of pink. "You turned me blue!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Well yeah. I figured you'd want to be a smurf for halloween. You know since you're name is Murphy and all."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"You little shit," but he's grinning, his nose crinkling adorably. I go back to work, watching the YouTube video Connor suggested. And admittedly, it is very helpful. I start researching everything that it talks about in the video. After a little while, Connor abruptly sits up. "Give me your leg," he says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Um, what?!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Give me your leg," he repeats, starting to fidget in his chair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"If you draw a smurf on my cast Connor, I swear to god I'll-"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"Fuck, just relax. I'm not gonna draw a smurf on your cast. _Yet _."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

" _CONNOR_!" 

______________"Relax. Relax. I'm not gonna draw a smurf. Just give me your foot." With a bit of reluctance, I stretch my leg under the table until my foot is resting in Connor's lap. For a second, I watch as he pops the lid of a sharpie and starts twirling it around my foot. I feel his thin hand hold it steady as he starts to concentrate. I'm forced to slump in my chair but that's ok. It gives Connor something to do. And if anything, maybe he'll be able to make the dirt darkened cast a little more presentable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes there is actually a nine minute video that outlines the history of Japan. Here's the link if you're interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh5LY4Mz15o


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen and Connor hang out in the library some more when Zoe and her friends interrupt before JD comes and starts freaking Carmen out.

After spending another week and a half in the library, I have finally finished my first assignment. 20 billion more to go. Yay. Ok maybe more like 10 but that's still a lot to do. By the time I'm done the first assignment, Connor has finished his art on my cast.

"Wow, Connor! I love it, but how...how did you know?" I'm sitting at our usual table, my leg fully extended, admiring the doodles. Various swirls and curves flow together over the cast, creating various music notes that I swear moves along with how the light is shining. But the best part is the piano keys. The piano keys flow in the middle of all the music notes, overlapping such a way that it looks like my favorite flower, carnations. 

"I uh, I remember Evan saying at lunch how your uh, your favorite flowers are carnations," Connor says, starting to blush.

"No not that! I'm talking about the music notes and the piano keys. I hardly talk about that with anyone and I don't think Evan or Jared would openly start talking about that."

Connor looks down, his face becoming pinker. "I um. I....fuck. I uh, I heard you."

"You heard me? What? When-Wait! That day after...after you...after the orchard. When I was practicing.....and that crash. That was _you _?"__

__He looks back up at me rather sheepishly, giving me a hesitant smile. "Yeah. I um. I'm sorry. I was just trying to exit through the side door when I heard you and you just. You sounded so good and I...I couldn't help it-"_ _

__"Connor, hey. It's ok. I'm not mad. Embarrassed? Maybe. But you hearing that inspired this-" I indicate the art on my leg. "So thank you. Though I don't know why you'd bother going through all that trouble doing this when I'll be getting this cast off in like a week."_ _

__"It, it wasn't any trouble. I loved making that. And seeing you smile was worth it." Both of us are taken aback by his response, neither of us knowing what to say. He suddenly tenses, his expression immediately closing off when he notices a few people approach our table. Zoe plops down beside Connor, Alana, and Christine in tow. Alana sits beside me, forcing Christine to pull up a chair from another table. She sits on it backwards, her arms draped over the back of the chair._ _

__“What up?” I say as way of greeting, returning to typing on my laptop._ _

__“You can’t be serious,” Zoe says, pushing my laptop closed. I took my hands off the keyboard just in time._ _

__“Hey! I didn’t save that!” I glare at Zoe who doesn’t have a single ounce of regret or guilt on her face. Instead, she rolls her eyes._ _

__"Zoe," Connor warns, glaring wearily at his sister._ _

____

“Oh fuck off Connor. Come on Carmen. You haven’t done anything else besides this homework since like forever. Even Alana thinks it’s unhealthy. And that coffee? It’s not even decaf. You honestly look like a wreck. Maybe not as worse as _somebody_ over here but you're getting pretty close. I think you need a break. When was the last time you've had anything to eat?” 

"Real smooth Zo."

“Yeah. Um. Thanks for the confidence boost,” I say, trying to reopen my laptop, only for Zoe to close it again. 

“You are not doing anymore homework today,” Zoe says firmly.

I snort. “Says who?”

They share a glance. “Us,” they say in unison.

"Come on Zoe. Just leave us alone," Connor says in exasperation, earning a glare that could probably kill if it was anyone other than Connor. 

“Yeah, Zoe. I'm really not in the mood.”

“We haven’t even told you our great plans yet,” Christine says, pouting.

“Does it look like I care? I need to get this homework done. If you hadn't already noticed I'm starting to fail my courses.”

“I'd be happy to help if it means giving you a break. And quite frankly, you look as if you’ll blow away,” Alana says, scrutinizing my features.

“If this is some kind of pep talk to get me to go out and do stuff, then you are pretty terrible at it.”

“Look, we’re just worried about you. You haven’t been yourself since the mall," Zoe says, looking at me with concern.

“Yeah, well. Who’s fault is that?” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Connor flinch. 

Zoe’s delicate face twists into an ugly scowl. “If we hadn’t have dragged you out of your house, you still wouldn’t even be back at school yet. Hell, you probably would still be curled up in your bed, sobbing until tomorrow, right?”

I don’t meet her gaze, glaring at the edge of the table. Zoe sits back, “yeah I thought so. This was a waste of time, come on girls, let’s go.” Zoe grabs Alana and Christine’s wrists, dragging them out of the library. 

“Looks like someone has it rough,” JD is suddenly leaning against the bookshelf beside me, causing me to flinch. 

“Ugh. Leave me alone,” I say, trying to recover all the work that I lost on my laptop. 

“Harsh. That’s not a nice way to speak to your savior,” JD walks around the table and takes up the seat Zoe just vacated. I flinch, trying to get the unmistakeable sound of a gunshot out of my head. 

"JD, come on. Stop fucking around," Connor growls, looking like he's ready to kill someone.

JD snorts. "What are you talking about? Veronica's not here today."

"Stop with the bullshit JD."

"Or what? Need I remind you, I saved her. So really, you both actually owe me." He leans back in his chair, folding his arms.

"We don't fucking owe you anything," Connor says through gritted teeth. "Now leave us the fuck alone."

“Or what? You gonna drag me to an alley to beat me up? I think we both know who would win that fight.” The sound of a gunshot echoes through my head and I shudder. "Huh. So you do remember."

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“J-just, don’t.” I try to gather my homework, haphazardly shoving my laptop into my backpack. I duck my head and without another word, I rush out of the library. I feel Connor's gaze on me as I leave but I determinedly stare at my feet. 

Before I have hardly registered it, I end up at Evan’s locker, watching as he busily organizes what books he needs for his next class. He stops when he sees me, his face paling when he sees my expression. I don’t even want to know what I look like right now. “Carmen, uh, w-what’s, um, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t. I c-can’t.” My body starts trembling and I have to focus really hard not to collapse.  


Knowing what I’m talking about, Evan looks around before pulling me away. “Do, you, uh, do you need me to…do you need me to phone mom?”

I can barely do so much as a nod, my chest starting to tighten. Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t all of this go away? I just want this all to go away. Evan’s guiding me to the office, glancing at me worriedly every few seconds. I can barely walk on my own now, tripping over my cast every few steps. Evan keeps a semi-steady hand on my arm, letting me lean on him for support. 

After a half an hour wait in the office, Heidi comes and takes me back home. I’m still violently trembling and it feels like my lungs can’t get enough air in fast enough. When we get home, Heidi gives me my inhaler, and wraps me up in a ton of blankets. She disappears into the kitchen and a couple of minutes later, she brings back a hot apple cider. I wrap my hands around the mug, relishing in the warmth that radiates from it.

“Honey.” I flinch. “What’s going on with you? You haven’t been eating and you barely hang out with your friends anymore.”

I take a sip of the cider before answering. “I’m fine, Heidi.” Her face falls a little at the sound of her name.

“Honey, please. Something happened. If you need any kind of help or anything you gotta tell-”

“NO. I mean no. I-I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about paying for another therapist when you’re already paying for Evan’s.”

“But honey, if you need help-”

“I don’t! Look, I-I’m uh, I’m just…just stressed ok? Midterms are in a couple weeks and I’m really worried I won’t be ready in time. Like, I missed, I just missed so much school y’know?”

“Well why don’t you ask that nice girl in your English class? Alana was it? She sounds like just the person to ask for help.” Heidi’s face becomes a little more hopeful as she looks at me, subconsciously fluffing my pillows.

“Yeah, uh, I guess.”

“Great! That’s great. Well I gotta go back to work. Is there anything else I can do before I go?”

“Uh, no, I think I’m ok.” Before I can even finish saying ok, Heidi’s gone. “Thanks,” I say to the empty air.

I look at the discarded backpack by my bed, knowing I need to finish those other projects. But my body is too tired, my brain fried. I curl up in my blanket cocoon, feeling myself slowly drift off.

I wake up to the moon streaming in through my window, casting its bright glow on a fitfully sleeping Evan in the bed beside me. My body aches, not quite used to getting rest again. I sit up, stretching, my discarded apple cider beside me. I reach for it, about to go put it in the sink before I see movement outside my window. 

I look outside to see a tall dark figure wearing all black, walking briskly down the sidewalk, their head down and their hands shoved into their pockets. Their hood is up which makes it hard to figure out who it is but for the briefest second, the moon flashes across the figure, illuminating their face.

My heart stops. Before I have even stopped and considered what I am doing, I shove my feet into my ratty old boots, and pull on my too small coat with a broken zipper and disappear into the night after him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen runs into more trouble.

I follow Connor down the dark streets, ducking into the shadows instead of going in the direct light of the lampposts like Connor. What the hell is he even doing here? Oh god, what if he's here to kill himself? I need to make sure that doesn't happen.

He walks with his head down, shoulders tucked in, posture tense, as if he expects someone to jump him. I look down at my watch. 

2:30 am. Shit. I forgot to leave a note for Evan and Heidi. Hopefully they don’t wake up and notice my absence. Although that’s probably unlikely since Evan literally gets up once an hour. If it’s a particularly rough night, sometimes even every half hour. He better not make Heidi call the police again. I efficiently pull out my phone and shoot him a quick text just to be sure.

I watch Connor ducking into an alleyway, shooting a suspicious look around him. I duck behind a mailbox and watch as he disappears into the darkness. My heart speeds up in anticipation. It was bad enough being in the alley in broad daylight, I don’t want to imagine what it’s like now.

_You can always turn back and go home._

I shake that thought away, silently getting up and following Connor. I squint into the darkness, stumbling through the shadows. I can barely see anything, let alone Connor in front of me. Where the fuck is he going? Warning bells scream in my head.

_Abort mission. ABORT MISSION._

I try not to panic as I blindly follow Connor. If I leave and Connor dies, it will be my fault. I need to push through. For Connor. The alley suddenly feels too narrow and long. Unrecognizable objects cast ominous shadows down the length of the alley. A sudden feeling of dread fills my stomach and everything feels too much like that dream I had. 

I’m so focused on trying not to have a panic attack that I almost slam into a bunch of wooden crates haphazardly piled on top of each other. I leap back, nearly falling over backwards.

“Fuck!” I mouth as I regain my footing snapping my gaze in the general direction Connor went so he doesn’t realize I’ve been following him. It would be significantly easier to sneak around if I had this cast off though.

I rush to catch up to Connor’s long strides, without making a lot of noise. I honestly don’t know how I haven’t been caught already. 

Then I find myself at the end of the alley. I press myself against the wall, watching as Connor stalks down the street. I slip out as slyly as humanly possible with a big white, incredibly distinguishable cast. Maybe Connor's artwork will be able to act as a sort of camouflage. I clutch my coat closed as a big gust of wind blows through the street. Tucking my chin into my poor excuse of a sweater, my dark hair flies around, obscuring my view of Connor. 

I shove my hands into my coat and briskly follow him as he turns down an unused side street. After a long time of walking, he finally turns into the…junkyard? What the fuck? Odd choice for a suicide attempt.

Instead of following directly behind Connor, I slip behind the piles of garbage beside him and watch as his steps become slow, careful. 

I stop and peek my head behind the incredibly battered pick up truck, crouching behind the front driver side wheel.

“I’M HERE!” Connor suddenly yells, spinning around rapidly. I flinch, quickly lurching my head away, cautiously watching Connor through the warped wheel well of the truck.

Then as if out of nowhere, a gang of five men emerge almost from the junk around us. Connor’s stance becomes tense, defensive, his hand hovering by his side. Confusion replaces some of the anxiety building in my stomach. 

“Ya have the money?” A deceptively small guy from the middle says. He must be the leader.

“I'm not doing this anymore asshole. I'm done.”

The stranger barks out a harsh laugh. “Don’t be stupid. Hand over the money.” The guy puts his hand out, palm up, beckoning to Connor. Connor glares at the leader, his eyes shifting wearily at his lackeys.

"I said no. I'm not dealing anymore weed with you. I have better things to worry about now."

"Oh? Like what?" The leader cocks his head, his mouth curving into a smirk that makes the hair on the back of my neck prick. "Could it be your little girlfriend perhaps?"

A hand roughly pulls me up by the hood, shoving me into the clearing. Squirming and struggling, a scream builds up my throat. I freeze when I feel cold metal glide across my throat, a breath away from slitting it. My captor forces me to my knees. I grunt in pain as my casted leg splays at an awkward angle.

“Don’t move.” The voice is harsh and gravelly. 

"This girl look recognizable to you Murphy? No? Lift her head up," the gang leader commands. My captor fists his other hand in my hair and snatches my head up, most likely ripping a clump of hair out. I clench my jaw, glaring defiantly at the leader, despite the tears pooling in my eyes.

He lets out a low whistle. "Wowee. Well isn't she just a beaut, ey Murphy?" The leader prowls closer, crouching in front of me. Youth surprisingly slips through the cruelty of his features. He can't be much older than Connor and I. Then I notice his eyes. His eyes are as dark as death. Something about them makes me want to recoil in disgust. "Maybe I need to bring this one home with me. What do you think boys?" His lackeys start laughing harshly, and I want to curl into myself. The best I can do is hunch my shoulders. "Aw look she's scared." A new round of laughter surrounds us. I look up briefly at Connor. His fists are clenched by his sides, an unreadable expression on his face. I wish I could lower my head.

"Fuck you," I say under my breath, glaring at the dirt packed ground between us.

"Sorry what was that?"

I clench my fist before lifting my eyes to the older boy's face. "Fuck you," I say. With a sudden burst of boldness, I spit into his face, enjoying the satisfaction of seeing him flinch. His face twists with anger as he gets up, wiping my spit gingerly off his cheek. 

"You have quite the feisty one there Murphy. Too bad she had to come here." He jerks his head and I'm shoved violently back, and I can see everything turn into a disaster in slow motion. Connor jerks forward, trying desperately to reach me. I want to pull towards him but now I'm being held by two very strong, scary men instead of one. Then he's fighting off two guys who are trying to contain him. I watch as he kicks at the one in front of him, effectively shoving him off. Connor slams his head back into the other guys face, and I can hear a visible crunch as the guy's nose starts spurting with blood. That doesn't seem to stop him from fighting Connor though. 

I'm being pulled roughly backwards and I watch helplessly as Connor throws punch after punch. He dodges a low punch to the stomach before ducking and swinging his leg out in such a way that it looks like a dance move, effectively tripping both of them. I hear a car starting and panic surges through me once more. "CONNOR!" I scream, before a hand clamps over my mouth. I'm vaguely aware of a stinging sensation along my neck, as something trickles down my neck. Biting down, I try to fight as best as I'm able without making the knife still pressed to my neck cut deeper. 

Around one of the many junkpiles, I see Connor lift his head. He searches frantically before his eyes meet mine briefly. He runs after us, but we're too far away. The guys Connor previously beat up struggle to get back on their feet and chase after him The other two drag me around random junkpiles to make it harder for him to follow. But they don't seem to realize how fast he really is. Leaping and dodging around junk, Connor starts to gain on us. I try to wriggle my hand away from one of the guys' grasp but all I feel is the stinging of the blade on my neck. Tears blur my vision and I become increasingly aware of how much I fucked up.

Oh god. Oh god. They're gonna lock me in their car and drive me to a whole other country. Maybe if I'm lucky they'll just drag me to Canada. I hear it's pretty nice there at least. But then who knows what will happen afterwards? They could lock me up in a basement and leave me for the rats or or or.....what if I'm raped? Oh god. Oh god-

My head hits a sharp edge and I'm being shoved into a car. So this is it then. I see Connor sprinting out of the junkyard and a new wave of tears wash over me. I imagine Connor when I first met him. His anger filled face when he shoved me against the locker. The regret he had afterwards. How he defended me in the parking lot. How him and Jared bickered like an old married couple at the mall. The day he took me and Evan to A La Mode. His laughter when I shoved Jared off the hospital bed. I'm gonna miss him so much. I stare down at my cast. At least I have his artwork to remind me of him. 

Gunshots echo through my head again and I squeeze my eyes shut against the pounding. Yells erupt around me before there are grunts of pain. I'm still standing slumped against the car, my hand clutching the open doorframe. Why aren't I in the car? 

I open my eyes, gasping at the sight around me. Blood is pooled _everywhere_ and spills like black ink from the wounds of the men. The men. They're fallen over on the pavement, curled around their various wounds. One guy is clutching his stomach, blood undeniably spurting between his fingers. Another guy's leg is splayed oddly to accommodate the amount of blood seeping out of his pant leg. Bile rises up my throat and I choke back a sob. My stomach churns as I take in the scene. 

Wide eyed, I stare up at Connor and JD, tucking his gun into his usual black trench coat. When he notices me staring he says, "guess you owe me twice now," sending me a lopsided grin. 

I try to take a step towards them before the suppressed panic comes to the surface at full force, replacing the initial fear of nearly being kidnapped. The world darkens around the edges before the darkness swallows me whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to come bug me on my tumblr at grifficornhearts. New friends are always appreciated :)


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said in one of my comments that I would update on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays but this may very well be my last non-busy day this week so here I am.

The first thing I notice when I wake up is the stars. A blanket of stars spreads above me, different hues of dark colors hidden in the blackness. Where am I? When did it become night? The second thing I notice with a jolt is that I'm in a bedroom, but not _my _bedroom. I crane my neck, looking around the room. I'm in a queen sized bed, navy blue and gray covers below me. Art supplies are spread out everywhere; canvases leaning haphazardly against the walls, old spiderman bed sheets splattered with paint spread across the wooden floor. An overflowing garbage can sits in a corner, an absurd amount of crumpled pieces of paper are gathered around it like a barrier. Pails and tubes of paint are neatly labelled and organized by color beside an easel, a rough outline of a person sketched onto newsprint paper tacked to it. Old yogurt and butter containers are randomly scattered about the room, holding various paint brushes, pencils, and other art utensils. On the other side of the room where it seems a tiny bit less messy stands two bookshelves, overflowing somehow neatly with books, comic books, sketchbooks, and journals. More stacks of books crowd around the base of the bookshelves. Squinting, I notice that the vast majority of the books are classics. But one jumps out in particular. The pale, tan book is discolored, the spine well worn with the words 'The Little Prince' scrawled delicately along the length of it.__

__Movement catches my eye and I whip my head to see a tall, lanky figure hunched awkwardly in a desk chair, yet another sketchbook balanced on his knees. I look briefly at the desk behind him to have sheets of paper and school supplies spread across the desktop. Two mugs sit on the desk, one that says 'PAINT WATER' and the other saying 'NOT PAINT WATER'. I look back at the boy, noticing how his hair is pulled away from his face in a sloppy bun to show off his sharp edges. Groaning I try to sit up, my head starting to throb. "C-Connor?"_ _

__Connor snaps his head up, spinning his chair towards my voice, nearly dropping his sketchbook in the process. Where I expected to be anger and disappointment is only relief flooding into his features. "Thank god," he breathes._ _

__The memories from earlier come rushing back and I become overwhelmed with emotion, trying unsuccessfully to hold back my hiccuping sobs. "C-Connor, I-I'm....I'm so-"_ _

__Then Connor's beside me, gathering me into his arms. "Shhh, it's ok, Carmen. It's ok."_ _

__I cry harder, clutching onto Connor's familiar hoodie. "I-I didn't know. I-I thought.....I thought-"_ _

__Connor pulls away to push the wet hair from my eyes. "It's not your fault. You're safe now."_ _

__I bury my head in Connor's chest and he pulls me in tighter. We stay silent for a long time, just holding each other. My sobs quiet as I listen to the calming beat of Connor's heart, reminding me that I'm safe. I'm safe and Connor's still here. He hasn't gone. He's not dead. We are safe._ _

__I pull back, rubbing my face with my sleeve. "Better?" He asks, his arms still banded around my waist. I nod, sniffling pathetically._ _

__Connor, almost reluctantly, lets go of me, sitting back. I try not to think of the sudden chill that replaces the warmth of Connor's arms."T-Thanks. I should...I should probably clean up."_ _

__He nods, looking around the room. "Sorry uh...sorry about the fucking mess. I wasn't really expecting anyone tonight. The bathroom is uh. It's down the hall, last door on the left." He stands up, gesturing to the hallway through the doorless doorway. I nod, getting up off the bed. I'm careful not to knock anything over or step on any of Connor's sketches. That is, until I walk past the easel. I'm almost past the obstacles when my casted foot gets caught on the spiderman bed sheets. I stumble, starting to fall forwards. Into Connor. He tries to catch me but he loses his footing and collapses against the easel sending it crashing to the ground. "FUCK!"_ _

__We slam to the ground, just a tangled mess of limbs. I look down at Connor. "You ok?" My heart beats rapidly in my chest, my breath coming out in short pants._ _

__"Couldn't be fucking better," he grumbles. "OW, fuck. Your cast is digging into my ankle."_ _

__"Sorry," I say, meeting Connor's eyes. I'm so close that I can see the individual flecks of blue and golden brown in his eyes. Wait. I'm on _top_ of Connor Murphy. I'm a hair breadth from his face. I scramble off of him as quickly as I can, rolling onto my back. "I'm, uh, I'm gonna go to the bathroom."_ _

__Before Connor can even respond, I'm running down the hall, nearly slamming the door shut on my hand in my haste. My heart slams against my ribcage as I lean against the door. I move over to the mirror, looking at my reflection. Maybe Zoe and Alana are right. Maybe I am wasting away. My face is thinner than I remember, a sickly pale that draws attention to the purply, black bags underneath my sunken eyes, puffy and red from crying. I turn on the tap, scrubbing at my eyes and cheeks until my whole face goes red._ _

____

_Come on Carmen. You're ok. You're with Connor. You both are ok. Nobody has kidnapped you or taken Connor away from you. You're both safe. Nothing bad happened._

__

_But what if something bad did happen? You could have gotten you both killed. Connor could be dead right now and who knows what would have happened to you. If JD hadn't come with his gun, you could have been half way across the country by now. You could have been raped-_

I'm suddenly jerked away from the sink. I look up at Connor, clutching my wrists. My hands are a deep angry red and I realize how much it is _burning _right now. Connor turns the tap to the coldest possible setting and shoves my hands under the water. Then I realize just how hot I must have had it. The bathroom is filled with steam. I keep my hands under the cold until they start physically hurting. Then I'm trembling violently, not able to catch my breath fast enough. I turn and without even needing to see him, I find my way into Connor's arms. Tears stream down my face and I'm sure Connor's hoodie must be soaked right through by now. He murmurs for me to breathe normally, slowing his own breathing down for me to match his. I gulp down bunch of air and I'm mildly aware of Connor yelling something at me but I can't hear him past the pounding in my head. My knee suddenly gives out and he swoops me into his arms before I black out.__

____

____

___ _

_____ _

_I'm running down the familiar alley again, the monster on my heels. I can see the light at the end of the alley and I push towards it as the darkness reaches towards me. There's more garbage in my way than I remember and I have to dodge and jump over inexplicable junk that seems to appear from thin air. Then I hear two more pairs of footsteps behind me and I panic, starting to sprint. The slithering seems to stop thankfully. At least I should be able to outrun a couple of guys._

____

_The alley suddenly becomes a maze and there's too many twists and turns. I turn a sharp left and the darkness only presses into me harder. Like it's a physical wall of shadows. I can just barely see the light at the end of the tunnel now. Bigger objects litter the alley now. I jump over a toy oven before dodging a baby's crib. I swear crying is actually coming from that crib and the taunts of older children fills my ears. I jump over a grand piano and slide over the top, landing in a crouch before I continue to run._

_____ _

_Then out of nowhere, I trip over a slimy limb before crashing to the ground. I try to get up but the feeling of cold metal along my neck stops me. I am slammed past the wall of shadows, into a clearing that doesn't even look like the alley anymore. The shadow wall surrounds me on all sides, creating a circle around me. I squint into the darkness in front of me and after a minute three people step into the clearing, one of them being supported between the other two. They throw them to their knees in front of me._

______ _ _

_I try to pull against my bounds to no avail. Blood is streaming down my neck and steadily drips onto the concrete. The person in front of me is hunched forward, their head hanging limply against their chest. Their hands are bound behind them but they don't struggle. They're are so silent and still that if it weren't for the barely moving chest, I would have thought them dead._

_______ _ _ _

_The same creature as last time emerges from the shadows. This time, their form is a little more solid, a distinguishable body flickering in the shadows. They stalk forward and I prepare for my death, knowing I have failed in escaping this wretched place again. But then the creature walks past me, toward the person in front of me. Panic swells within me and I struggle against whatever is holding me. This wasn't part of the plan. Take me. Take me. This...this can't be happening._

________ _ _ _ _

_"Lift his head up," the creature suddenly says, their voice disembodied. One of the creature's henchmen steps forward, roughly snatching the person's head up by their hair. Nausea fills my stomach and I struggle harder, not caring whether the cut on my neck gets deeper. No. No. This can't be happening! Please. No. No._

_The creature prowls toward him, the shadows transforming his finger into a long, sharp talon. I can see the reflection of his terrified eyes in the dark obsidion of the talon-_

_  
___  


____

__

__

_________ _ _ _ _ _

"CONNOR!" I jolt up in bed, cold sweat dripping down my back. Panic courses through my body when I feel an arm banded around me. I search frantically in the dark unfamiliar bedroom, the canvases and easel making scary shadows against the walls. 

"Carmen?!" I whip my head around and relief floods in me when I see Connor sitting up beside me, perfectly fine. Completely alive. Tears stream down my face and I bury my face in Connor's chest again. He instinctively tightens his grip on me and holds me close, stroking my hair. "Hey. Hey. Shhh. It's ok. It was just a dream. Shhh. Just a dream." Connor pulls me back down and I burrow into his side, closing my eyes and focusing on the soft rhythm of his breathing. 

Was it? Was it just a dream?

_________ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I don't update for the rest of the week, I hope everyone has a happy holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not. Come talk to me on Tumblr! I have two blogs. @grifficornhearts is my normal blog but if you are interesting in reading my other stuff (fanfics, headcannons, first drafts, etc) go to @insanelystupid


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmen and Connor eat bacon at his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for the wait. Happy New Year! Hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Warning: It doesn't go into very much detail but Connor's self harm scars are revealed.

Light filters through the window, illuminating my side of the bed in a warm autumn glow. I sigh, thankful that I didn't have any more nightmares last night. I start to snuggle deeper into the covers when I notice a weight beside me on the edge of the bed. I freeze when I become aware of a hand stroking my through my hair. Looking up, I notice Connor perched on the side of the bed. I relax, leaning into his touch. He looks down at me with an uncharacteristic amount of softness. 

"Morning," he mumbles. "Did you sleep any better?"

Yawning, I nod sleepily. I mumble incoherently before curling into a ball, pulling the covers closer. This earns a soft chuckle from Connor.

"Come on. I made eggs and bacon," he says, standing.

"BACON!" I sit up quickly, kicking the blankets off. Connor shakes his head in amusement, watching as I try to run past him. He grabs a hold of my arm before I get much farther, and I glare at him. "Nobody gets in the way of me and bacon."

Chuckling, Connor nods his head toward the easel and bedsheets that he must have fixed from last night. "I don't really feel like a repeat of last night."

Blushing furiously, I mumble a quick apology. Connor takes my hand and leads me out of his bedroom, looking back at me to make sure I haven't trip on his bedsheets. We make our way down the hall and he seems to be taking extra care in making sure I don't fall as we go downstairs to the kitchen. The greasy, delicious aroma of bacon floods my senses and I sigh in delight, not being able to restrain myself any longer from racing into the kitchen. I don't need Connor's help finding it as I follow the scent.

"Jesus Christ. What the fuck's with you and bacon?" Connor asks, following me into the kitchen as I sit down at the island. 

"Um, excuse me. Bacon is fucking fantastic," I say around a mouth full.

"Yeah well maybe actually _chew _it before you fucking choke."__

__I swallow before sticking my tongue at him, stealing a piece of bacon from his plate. "Can't help if I'm in love with it. Bacon is the true way to a girl's heart you know."_ _

__Connor lets out a bark of laughter. "Oh, is that so?"_ _

__"Yup!"_ _

__"Says who?"_ _

__"Me." I try to steal another piece of bacon off of Connor's plate before he shoves the plate out of reach._ _

__"Enough! You have your own fucking bacon."_ _

__"But look? I finished mine. So you're obligated to hand over yours."_ _

__"How the hell did you finish it that fast?"_ _

__I look at him blankly. "I told you, I love bacon."_ _

__"Yeah well, I'm not giving you my bacon."_ _

__I gasp in mock hurt. "You suck! Fuck you!"_ _

__He somehow manages to smirk innocently. "I thought you said this bad boy-" he taps my cast, "-would get in the way."_ _

__Holding my head in my hands, I try to stop the blush from spreading. But of course it doesn't work. Connor laughs triumphantly. "I hate you."_ _

__"Nah, you love me."_ _

__I take a swing with my cast at his shin. He stops it half way. "Hey, don't want to re-injure it." I slap his hand away before lowering my leg back down._ _

__"So where is everyone?" I ask, taking note of the unusually quiet house._ _

__"Oh, um. Larry's gone at one of his fucking stupid business trips. Mom's at her yoga retreat with some of her friends. And Zoe's spending the weekend at Christine's with Alana."_ _

__"Didn't want to go with your mom on her yoga retreat? I tease, nudging his shoulder._ _

__"Fuck no. God. She made me take me with her once as a way to 'cope' with my depression or some shit. It was fucking awful."_ _

__"Oh no. It sounds like you really loved it. Maybe we should start going to yoga together with your mom." Connor glares at me which sends me into a fit of giggles. "I'm sure you're probably pretty good at it with those noodly limbs of yours."_ _

__"Fuck. My arms aren't noodly!"_ _

__"Pfff. They are adorably noodly." I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. My face flames with embarrassment. I try not to look at Connor, though I know he must be blushing furiously too. My face is probably redder than Evan's normally is. Evan. "Shit. Shit. SHIT." I frantically pat around for my phone._ _

__"What's the matter?"_ _

__"I completely forgot about Evan! Shit. He's probably having a panic attack right now!" I get up, twirling around, searching my seat, the table, the floor. Everywhere. But I can't find it. "Where's my fucking phone?! Please tell me I didn't drop it in that junkyard. Oh no. What if one of those creeps took it and are threatening Evan and Heidi to try to get back at me as we speak? Oh my god-"_ _

__Connor puts his hands up in an attempt to calm me. "Hey. Hey. Carmen. It's ok. Stop freak-"_ _

__"It is NOT fucking ok Connor. Th-they could be getting murdered as we speak!" I know how idiotic I sound but my mind is racing a mile a minute. In my panicked state, I barely notice Connor getting up and moving towards the living room. Oh no. I completely fucked this up didn't I? Connor hates me so much. He can't even stand to be in the same room as me. I guess I shouldn't blame him. Who be friends with a fucking creep who stalks them to their drug meeting. And then Evan's gonna die of a fucking panic attack and it's gonna be all my fault and Heidi will hate me so much and then she'll end up dying of heartbreak and somehow I'll offend Jared again and he'll abandon me like everyone else and I'll be alone. Maybe I should just jump off of a fucking bridge-_ _

__Connor comes back and presses something hard and cold into my hand. I look down to see my phone, perfectly out of harm's way. A ragged sob bubbles up my throat. God I'm so pathetic. Connor's trying to tell me something but I can't hear him above the static in my head. Then I think I might be speaking but I can't be too sure. "It's all my fault. Oh god I-I'm sorry. I'm such a bitch, I-I shouldn't be here. Nobody cares. And everyone must hate me. I'm the reason for Evan's broken arm after all. Why wouldn't anybody hate me for that? Because what kind of fucking idiot would make a kid with crippling anxiety climb a tree just to see a fucking sunset. I'm so selfish! I really shouldn't be here, oh my god. What the fuck is wrong with me? You know what I should probably just go. S-sorry for you know, everything-"_ _

__I get up and try to bolt to the front door but Connor's arm shoots out and grabs me in a vice-like grip. "Hey, stop." He spins me around. "Nothing is your fault. It was an accident, nobody blames you. And of course we care about you. _I_ care about you."_ _

__"But w-why?"_ _

__Connor smiles at me softly and it makes my stomach flip. Then he looks down at his arms and very deliberately rolls up the sleeves of his hoodie. I gasp at the sight, stumbling backwards. He looks back at me before extending his hand. I shake my head, taking another step backwards. "Carmen. It's ok."_ _

__I stare at his outstretched hand for another minute before I take it. He pulls me gently forward and then before I realize it, he guides my hand to one of his scars and lets me trace over it delicately. "You believed in me when nobody else would," he whispers. "You make me feel like...like I can actually....live again. Before I met you...god life sucked. It still kind of does. My family gives me shit every day of the week. But with you....with you I can forget about all that. I can just be _myself _. I never thought....I never thought it could ever be like that again. You make me so happy."___ _

____"But-but I....I _followed_ you last night. A-aren't....don't...don't you hate me?" At that, Connor starts laughing. "What? What's so fucking funny?"_ _ _ _

____Connor takes a gulping breath. "You really don't get it do you?" At my blank stare, Connor lets out a breathless laugh, threading his fingers through his hair. "Carmen. I'm so fucking in love with you."_ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, just had to leave it on a cliff hanger. Look out for a new chapter on Thursday!
> 
> Come interact with me! My tumblr is @grifficornhearts and @insanelystupid


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe interrupts.

I stumble backwards. "Wait. What?"

Connor starts looking anxious, hurt flashing over his features. "Carmen, I-I'm in love with you." 

My thoughts start spinning. He didn't really say that he loves me did he? No, I'm....I'm not, I mean....how is it possible? I'm like the worst person to fall in love with. I mean like, Connor....he...he already has it pretty hard. I'll...I'll just ruin everything for him. I mean like, it's my fault Evan broke his arm. Who knows what will happen to Connor? I could end up breaking his heart. Oh my god. No...I can't let that happen. Not to Connor.

But am I....am I in love with him too? I mean like he did help me through all my panic attacks and he stood up for me on the first day of school and he's an amazing friend and he looks really good with his hair up and I got drown in the ocean in his eyes....oh my god. No. I can't be in love with him. What if I hurt him? What if I say something really stupid and he decides that he would rather kill myself. Oh my god. No. I can't...I can't let that happen. I'd rather have him as my friend than lose him-

"Carmen?" Connor's worried voice cuts through my thoughts. "Are....oh god. You don't feel the same way do you? Oh my god. I can't fucking believe I just said that. You probably hate me right? Any normal person probably would. Fuck, I messed this up didn't I?" Connor puts his head in his hands, furiously running his fingers through his hair.

"Con-"

"So you'll hang out with my psycho brother but you won't hang out with me? What the actual fuck?" I whip around to see Zoe standing on the threshold, a backpack slung over her shoulder. Upon seeing my expression, she hesitates. "Did I interrupt something?"

"No!" Connor and I say in unison. I try hard not to turn to him. 

"Uh, Zoe shouldn't you be at um......?"

"Christine's? Yeah but some stuff happened with her family so I came home early."

"Oh," I say lamely.

"Ok." Zoe drops her backpack with a thump before crossing her arms and leaning against the wall. "What the fuck's going on?"

"Nothing!" Connor and I say in unison again.

"No, see because that-" she gestures between Connor and I, "never happens. Now spill."

"Just leave it alone Zoe! It's none of your fucking business!" Zoe and I both flinch at Connor's outburst but she stands her ground, glaring at her brother.

"No. Something is obviously going on. Now tell me!"

I can sense Connor's anger building so I say the first thing that comes to my mind. "I was almost kidnapped last night!"

"What?!"

"Oh fuck." 

"What the fuck happened Carmen?" 

I finally look over at Connor, not meeting his gaze. He sighs. "Fine. Tell her."

"I um, I followed Connor last night?" I hate how it sounds more like a question than an answer. 

"I _knew _you left last night!"__

__"Fuck off! You weren't even here last night."_ _

__Zoe shrugs. "Sibling telepathy." Connor snorts before crossing his arms across his chest and leaning against the counter. "So what the fuck happened? Connor caught you and took you back here for the night?" She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively and I feel a blush burn up my neck. Connor suddenly coughs really loudly._ _

__"Erm, n-no. Um, his drug....drug dealers caught me....."_ _

__"Seriously Connor?! You told mom and dad you were done with that bullshit!"_ _

__"I am! But I had to go and tell him otherwise they'd probably hunt me down!"_ _

__"Yeah, well guess what? Now Dodge and his croons will probably hunt Carmen down! Nice going dumbass!"_ _

__"W-what?" It feels like the ground has been pulled out from under me._ _

__"They are not gonna fucking touch her."_ _

__"You can't be sure of that! They're basically shadows! They could take her from anywhere!"_ _

__My breath quickens and the very familiar feeling of panic settles in. The world tilts around me and a static fills my ears. Connor and Zoe are still yelling but I can't hear anymore. The air is once again being dragged from my lungs and I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I hear my name then I'm being led to the couch. Someone is pressing my hand to their chest and I can feel their deep breaths. But I can't focus. I can only imagine the terror of those guys finding me at my house in the middle of the night, being thrown in the trunk of the car. Being taken advantage of....._ _

__Someone whispers my name and I look up to see Connor sitting on the other side of the couch, facing me, giving me more space than necessary. I look down at my hands to see a glass of water that I don't remember being there. Zoe is perched on the chair beside me, anxiously fiddling with her hands that are clasped on her lap. I feel sluggish, drained. I unfold myself and shakily lean over to put the glass of water on the end table. "W-what's going on?"_ _

__Connor and Zoe share a gaze, an unspoken conversation between them. Finally Connor speaks up, "So I've been buying weed from Dodge since freshman year. And I am, _was _Dodge's best customer. And if you know Dodge at all....well he doesn't like losing business. If you want to uh, get out of it, he expects to still recieve something in return. So in this case......"___ _

____"It's me?" I croak out._ _ _ _

Connor nods solemnly. "But I fucking swear, _nothing_ will happen to you. I promise." 

____"But how?"_ _ _ _

____Another look passes between Zoe and Connor. "We'll figure it out."_ _ _ _

____"Yeah, don't worry. I'm sorry for scaring you," Zoe says._ _ _ _

____"W-what are we gonna tell Evan?"_ _ _ _

____"Evan? Evan doesn't need to know."_ _ _ _

____"Connor, you know how Dodge is. He'll probably use Evan's relationship with Carmen against us."_ _ _ _

____"WHAT?! Y-you mean Evan...he could be in danger?!"_ _ _ _

____Well my life just keeps getting better and better._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought Carmen and Connor were gonna get together right away didn't you?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> High school students are missing....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm back. Sorry for not updating regularly. It's been pretty busy and my mental health hasn't really been that great so it took me like three days to get this chapter done. But now it's done for your viewing pleasure! Maybe I'm finally getting the plot back on track? Or maybe not. We'll see! Hope you enjoy!

Going back to school was very awkward. Connor hasn't really been acting himself either. I still don't really know what to make of it. But I can't do anything because I'll most likely end up hurting him and that is the absolute last thing I want. I had assumed he wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore but he is determined to keep an eye on me at all times. And I mean at _all _times. Zoe still wants to tell Evan everything that's going on but I am terrified. I just hope he doesn't have an actual heart attack. Connor and Zoe agreed that it would probably be best to wait until lunch to talk to him.__

__Which means I have to deal with this anxiety all morning._ _

__Connor walks me to each class, waiting for me to sit in my desk before he goes. And then somehow he is there when my class ends. Even when he isn't there, him and Zoe seem to be able make sure when one of them is gone, the other one is there until the other gets there. But I feel like once we tell Evan, Zoe will most likely be with him for the majority of the time. How the hell did this happen? I didn't think Evan and I would end up having targets on our backs. What'll happen if Dodge learns about everyone else I love and care about? How could I put everyone in danger like that? God this is all my fault._ _

__I keep thinking that someone's watching me from the back of the class and I keep trying to resist the urge to look around me. Dodge wouldn't be at our school would he? Like he's older.....but not much older. Oh no. Nononononononononononono. He can't be here._ _

Panic settles in my stomach and I can't concentrate on the rest of my morning classes. I wait for Connor by the door after astronomy and find myself getting lost in my thoughts. 

"You ready to go?" I jump five feet at the sound of Connor's voice. "Hey, you okay?"

"Y-yeah...I'm...I'm fine...just nervous about talking to Evan," I say, looking over at Connor. He nods curtly, reaching out to grab my arm. I involuntarily flinch away. His face darkens and he silently takes his hand off my arm, taking a generous step away. Without a second glance, he leads the way to our lockers, staying on the outside so I'm walking beside the wall. Somehow, he is able to keep an eye on everyone around us, like he has eyes on the back of his head. How long has he been dealing with this Dodge guy anyway?

We meet Evan at the big oak tree he normally sits under at lunch. He looks up from his sandwich that he's barely touched. He must have seen the look on my face because he glances between us nervously, quickly putting his sandwich away. "C-carmen, what's....what's go-going on? You look....you look really, uh, you look really worried."

"Connor and I, we uh, we gotta tell you something...."

"Guys did you hear what happened?!" The three of us turn around to see Michael racing across the courtyard. 

"Uh, no? What's going on?"

Michael takes a deep breath, bracing his hands on his knees, doubled over. "You didn't hear? A couple of the football guys are in the hospital," he says as he straightens up. 

Connor and I share a wary glance and I sidle beside him imperceptibly. I notice him shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, his fists and jaw clenched. I try to take a hold of his hand but he wrenches it away harshly, and I try to hide my hurt. He probably hates me now.

Relief floods through me when I see Zoe walk over. "Sorry that I'm late guys, I had to-what's wrong? You all look like your covering a murder." She starts laughing and I fiddle with my hands, shifting uncomfortably. Zoe's laughs die. "Guys. It was a joke?"

"Ugh. We need to talk," Connor says, angrily running his fingers through his hair. We start following him when Connor notices Michael. "You're not fucking invited."

"Connor, doesn't this have to do with him too? I mean what if Dodge finds out that we know him?" Connor sends me a murderous glare, and although I hate it, I shrink back.

"She has a point Connor. Evan isn't the only one in danger," Zoe says, pinning an equally murderous glare at her brother.

"Wait. What?" Evan shoots a terrified glance at me.

Zoe and Connor glare at each other for a few minutes. Finally Connor blows out a long sigh. "Ugh, fine. Where's Kleinman?"

"You mean Kleinmeme? What's up?" Jared sidles up beside Michael, cocking his head in curiosity.

"Not here." Connor leads us away, towards the bleachers that he's always accused of getting high at. 

"What are we doing? Having a fivesome?" 

"Shut it Kleinman."

"Well someone slept on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Carmen, w-what, uh, what...what... what does Zoe....what does she mean by-by me being, being in danger?"

"Um, that's what, uh....that's what we need to talk to you about." Connor leads us under the farthest bleachers and we all gather around, Connor and Zoe managing to stand on the outside, keeping us protected once again. Nobody else probably realizes that.

"Okay so what the fuck did you drag us to your weed spot for?" Jared asks, glaring around us.

"You guys could be in danger for your lives," Connor says, folding his arms. Wow no skirting around the bush. He wants to dive in, thorns and all. I glance around, everyone looks stunned, wide eyed and slack jawed. A minute passes. Then they all burst out laughing. Well except for Evan, who let out a nervous chuckle before falling silent and twisting his shirt anxiously. Connor grips his arms so tightly, I'm worried the fabric of his flannel will start ripping. "THIS IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!" He suddenly screams. I jerk back in alarm. Everyone shuts up, terror written all over their faces. He sees me out of the corner of his eye and he sighs audibly through his nose.

"You're all in danger."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come interact with me on Tumblr!
> 
> Main: @grifficornhearts  
> Writing: @insanelystupid


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang tries to figure shit out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry for all these slow updates. I really haven't had much motivation lately and life's been crazy. Thanks for being so patient! I can't guarantee when the next update will be but I hope you enjoy this :)

"What the fuck do you mean we're all in danger?" Jared asks, glaring at Connor.

"My drug-" Zoe coughs. "Ex-drug dealer knows about Carmen and it's only a matter of time before he knows about all of you too. And once he does...well I don't want to fucking know what will happen."

I look over at Evan and he looks like he's about to puke. His face is as white as a sheet of paper, and I can tell he's trying hard to keep breathing. "Ev, breathe. In for 4, hold for 4, exhale for five," I say. He nods, trying to no doubt swallow around a lump in his throat. Then his knees are wobbling. I quickly reach out, grabbing his elbow and guiding him to the ground, leaning him against a metal column. I cross my arms, leaning against the trunk beside him. 

"Wait. Hold the phone." Jared's gesturing with his hands wildly. I notice Connor rolling his eyes and I bite my lip from laughing. He notices and quickly looks away, his face flushing from the fall breeze. "So you're telling me. That all of us-" Jared gestures around the weird circle we've got going. "-are in danger from your psycho drug dealer?" 

Connor stands straighter, starting to clap deliberately. "Wow, thanks for pointing that out Captain Obvious." He stops, folding his arms back over his chest. "I literally just fucking explained that."

Jared puts his hands up in defense. "Just thought I'd make it clear for everybody."

"You were just fucking cackling your head off not even five minutes ago dick."

"Okay! Maybe let's not get into a yelling match today huh?" Zoe speaks up, getting between the two boys. 

"We're not even yelling yet though," Jared says, glaring at Connor.

"Exactly, that's why we'll break this up before it _does_ turn into a yelling match," I say, sidling up beside Zoe. Connor takes a generous step back from Jared...and me before flipping him the bird. I swallow and walk back to where Evan is sitting, trying not to let Connor get to me so much. I need to get over him. It's the only way of keeping him safe

Jared's fuming, pacing back and forth while Connor tries to keep himself from screaming. I want to help him, but I know he'll just push me away again. I've lost his trust. He hates me. 

"Uh, guys? Shouldn't we like...I don't know. FIGURE THIS OUT? Michael suddenly says, looking around at us. "We have a potential murderer out there and we're sitting here what? Just feeling sorry for ourselves for having to be together in the same space for more than five minutes?"

I sigh, clasping my hands between my knees. "He's got a point. We don't know what Dodge's capable of."

"His name's DODGE? What, is his henchman named Spot and Buttons?" Jared looks like he's about to go into hysterics. "This is fucking INSANE."

"Really Jared? We could potentially get _murdered_ at any given time and you're worried about what their names are?" I say, feeling Evan flinch beside me, tightening his grip on his knees. I scoot closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He buries his head in my shoulder and I can feel his tears start to soak my shirt. I tighten my grip, murmuring softly. "Everything will be okay Ev, we'll get through this." I look up, meeting Connor's eyes briefly before he averts his gaze, staring at the pavement. It goes silent for a few minutes, the only sound Evan's muffled sobs. None of us know what to say anymore. 

Then I feel Evan take a shuddery breath before he raises his head and looks to Connor. His eyes are red and puffy but there's a slight determination at the way he stares at Connor. "How are we-what are we going to...to do about this?" He asks somewhat confidently.

Connor blinks as if he doesn't understand what Evan's asking.

Evan continues. "Well like..um. We need to be able to protect ourselves." He looks down sheepishly. "So what are, what are we going to do?"

Michael looks over at Jared. "Do you know what I'm thinking?"

Jared grins. "Do I?"

Then at the same time, they yell, "KARATE!"

"Karate? Really?" Connor looks unimpressed.

"What's wrong with karate? Isn't it a good idea to learn some form of self-defense if this _Dodge_ could potentially want to kill us?"

"I hate to admit it, but Jared's got a point," Zoe says, glaring at Jared and Michael.

"Than-Hey! What do you mean? I'm always right!"

"Um. Maybe put a never into that sentence and then that'll be true," I say, rolling my eyes. I glance quickly at Connor to see a ghost of a smile on his lips. Jared shoves me a little and I am thrown a little off balance. Connor grabs my elbow to steady me. I step away from his touch, mumbling a short "thanks."

"So self-defense?"

"But why? Zoe and I can protect you." He coughs loudly. "I mean...you...you guys."

"Connor."

"Hmm?"

"You know we can't do that. There are only two of us and four of them. There's no guarantee that we can protect them." Zoe looks regretful, and I realize just how tired she must be. Her eyes are shadowed with such dark smudges that they rival Connor's. She seems jittery, scratching at her arms subconsciously, her shoulders slumped. This must really be taking a toll on her. But then I notice how far away she's standing from Connor. Even when she's talking to him, she won't look up. Her eyes are trained on the ground, her stance tense. As if she will have to flee at a moment's notice.

"But...but what if we keep them in groups? Evan and Carmen can stay together and-and Jared and Michael can stay together so we can protect two at a time." I take a good look at Connor for the first time today. And I realize just how tense he is. His fists are clenched tightly across his chest and he...he's visibly shaking. If I look close enough, he is shifting from foot to foot, rocking. Without thinking, I grab one of his hands and twine our fingers together, squeezing his hand firmly.

"But...I don't think that's possible Connor..." 

I look determinedly at Zoe. "We'll figure it out." Then I look up at Connor. "Together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Interact with me on Tumblr!
> 
> Main: @grifficornhearts  
> Fanfic: @insanelystupid


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor teaches the gang "self-defence".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Yes, I'm still alive! I am so sorry for just completely disappearing for a while there. But I really needed that break. My mental health has been so bad lately and yeah. I just needed a break. It's still not the best but I really want to be more productive and at least try not to lose interest in this. Don't worry though, I'm not ending this fanfiction anytime soon I promise. Thank you so much for all your patience. I'm going to start trying to update at least once a week now so expect more chapters very soon.

After another couple seconds, Connor steps back, pointedly not looking at me. Crossing his arms back over his chest, he glares at Zoe. "We're doing the buddy system," he says. Then the staring contest is on. And had those glares been thrown at anyone else they'd be dead by now. 

Finally, after what feels like hours, Zoe relents, throwing up her hands. "Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Connor scoffs. "Nothing bad will happen." At first, I think he's being too confident but then I see how his shoulders are quivering. I step a little closer to him, but not enough that he notices.

"So uh, what now?" Michael asks hesitantly.

Connor sighs in annoyance. "What do you mean?"

"Are you going to teach us some sick ka-ra-tay?" Jared jumps and chops the air, mock fighting with Michael. A chuckle rises up my throat and I try to cover it up with my hand. Unfortunately, I think Connor noticed. I see him glaring at me out the corner of my eye. I lower my hand, trying to keep a straight face as Jared and Michael tumble to the ground. Even Zoe can't help but laugh. 

Connor coughs loudly. "Okay, when you're done making fun of this we have actual fucking stuff to do so..."

Michael scrambles to his feet, pulling Jared up by his collar. "Okay, um. We're listening. Right, Jared?"

"Yeah. Right." Jared bursts out laughing. Connor advances, looking like he's about to strangle him. Zoe and I quickly get up, ready to intervene while Evan backs away. He doesn't need to get something else broken after just getting his cast off. Me on the other hand? Better to get hurt while I still am. Jared backs up, nearly stumbling on his feet to get away from Connor. I can't believe how easy it is to scare him. I guess he has a pretty good reason to be. Connor looks _pissed_. Jared reaches Michael and quickly hides behind him. Seriously? God, he's a scaredy-cat. Connor stops right in front of Michael, glaring over his shoulder at Jared. Michael glares defiantly back at him.

Connor rolls his eyes. "Boo."

Jumping, Michael shoves Jared out from behind him. He rushes over to where Zoe and I are standing. Jared glares at Michael. "Traitor." Connor advances again, clenching his hands into fists. I start biting my lip, hoping that Connor isn't about to explode. Jared backs up against the steel of the bleachers. "Dude just chill out!" Connor pulls his hand back as if he's about to pummel the living daylights out of him. Zoe and I both rush forward, ready to break them apart if need be. "Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. I'll listen. I promise I'll listen. Just not the face. Please not the face."

Connor grabs onto Jared's shirt, pulling him forward. "You are going to wish...that I didn't just embarrass you in front of everyone."

Jared stares dumbfounded as Connor lets him go, sauntering back to us, hands in his pockets. A small smile crosses his face. Jared's expression is priceless! His face splotchy and red with embarrassment. He still seems shaky as he sulks back to where Michael is. Michael reaches out and ruffles his hair before Jared swats his hand away. I smile fondly at them before I catch Connor watching me. When he sees me staring at him, he quickly averts his gaze and coughs.

"Connor, you should really take care of that cough of yours," Zoe says, slapping her brother on the back. "Unless you want mom on your case again." 

"Fuc-fuck off Zoe!" Connor sputters, his face flaming red. An airy laugh escapes Zoe as she smirks at his obvious discomfort. I smile at the ground before I feel someone else watching me. I look up to meet Evan's gaze before he quickly looks away like he's guilty of something. I wonder what that's about.

"You-you okay, Connor? You're looking uh, a little...a little flustered," he says, walking forward. 

"Oh fuck _off_." Evan smiles shyly and honestly, I'm kind of surprised. He's normally really afraid of teasing someone. It took forever to get him comfortable enough to tease me when we first met. 

"I don't know Connor. You are looking kind of sick," Jared pipes in, happily diverting the conversation from him.

"Okay, if we are done with this fucking assault, can we please go back to school?"

"Whoa, Connor Murphy actually wants to go to class? That's a first."

"Shut it, Kleinman. I'll fucking punch you for real this time."

Jared puts his hands up in defence. "Okay, okay." Connor turns away, starting to walk back to school. "But wait."

"Ugh, what the fuck is it this time?"

"What are we going to do about all of this?"

Connor stops and looks over his shoulder. "Self-defense," he calls before starting his walk back to school.

Jared and Michael look at each other with the most childish expressions on their faces that I have ever seen. "YES. We're going to start learning karate! This is going to be fucking AWESOME, man. Can you imagine it? This Dodge guy coming at us full speed with his goons and then both us surrounding him and-"

"Chopping him down." Jared finishes, jumping and slicing his arm through the air. Zoe doubles over, cackling. "What?"

"You're...you're in for a....a big surprise," Zoe says between gasps.

********

"You can't be fucking serious?"

We're standing in the middle of an empty dance studio. The floor is so shiny, I'm surprised we haven't slipped on it. I can see my reflection through it and I jerk my head up, avoiding it. Except I can't. The room is filled with mirrors. God, I look awful. My hair is a tied up in a greasy mess of a bun on the top of my head, long pieces falling around my tired face. My eyes are so dark I may as well be wearing very wrongly applied eyeshadow. My clothes look like I haven't washed anything in a month, even though I know Evan does the laundry at least twice a week. And I don't even want to look at the state my cast is in. It looks like I was dragged into hell and back. 

"You really thought I was going to teach you karate?" Connor asks, raising an eyebrow. His hair is back up in a messy bun and I can't help but think how good he looks...no I don't get to think that. Connor isn't mine to be thinking about. 

"Well when you tell us that you're teaching us self-defence, I gotta admit that ballet isn't really the first thing I think of. Though this would be a good place to learn. Definitely enough space." Jared looks around approvingly until he spots his reflection in the mirror. He finger guns at himself. "What up handsome?"

Zoe scrunches up her nose. "Gross."

"I think I'd have to agree," I laugh.

"Ahhh, you guys are just jealous that you don't have-" Jared flips his head and strikes a pose while he gestures to himself. "This."

"Oh god. I really wish I didn't just fucking see that," Connor says.

"Like I said, you're just jealous."

"I wouldn't go that far." Jared flips him the bird. "Okay, how about stop being so...weird and go get changed."

"You're SERIOUSLY going to teach us ballet?" Jared raises his eyebrows so high, they almost reach his hairline. 

"Wh-what's uh, what's wrong with...what's wrong with ballet?" Evan asks.

I put my hand on his shoulder and smile at him. "Nothing's wrong with it Ev. Jared's just being a dick. As per usual." Jared scowls at me but goes with Michael to the changeroom. "Plus he's a party pooper," I whisper. 

"I heard that!"

"Good!"

"I uh, I should go um. Go get changed too. Um, where's the bathroom?" Evan looks anxiously between Zoe and Connor.

"Down the hall, to the right, second door on the left," Connor says, not even questioning why Evan would want to change in the bathroom rather than the changeroom. Evan picks up his backpack and scurries off. 

"Are you sure I'll be able to do this? I mean I still have my cast," I say, looking down at it in distaste.

"You'll be able to do it. The stuff we're doing today is fucking easy," Connor says, not looking up from his phone. Must be something pretty important on Tumblr from what I can tell.

I walk away without a word toward the changeroom. I can feel Connor's gaze on my back but I honestly don't care. If he's gonna be cold toward's me, I can be twice as cold. Strolling into the changing room, I sigh in annoyance. Of course. No seats. What changeroom doesn't have seats? I lean against the wall and struggle to put my sweats on. I have my one leg in and try to balance doubled over, wrangling the stretchy material over my cast. But somehow I end up slipping and crash to the ground. After a few minutes of lying there struggling, I finally get them on. 

It isn't until I get back on my feet when I hear a knock at the door. "Carmen? You okay in there?" Zoe calls.

"Yeah! Yeah. Just had a bit of a wardrobe malfunction."

I walk back out to see everybody already gathered around Connor. "You okay?" He asks, a touch of concern crossing his features.

"Yeah," I say shortly, taking my place beside Evan. 

Connor focuses his attention back to the group as Zoe steps beside him. "Okay, so this probably isn't fucking what you'd call having a self-defence-" Jared scoffs. "But having the flexibility needed for ballet will help with fighting against Dodge and his little shitheads."

"What, are we going to high kick their teeth out? This is fucking ridiculous."

"Well if you want to be unprepared for when Dodge comes for you then be my fucking guest," Connor gestures to the door. Jared shrinks away, stepping closer to Michael. "Thought so."

I catch the way Connor says when instead of if. A chill travels down my spine and I know everyone else heard that too. Evan's visibly shaking beside me. I reach out and clasp his hand, rubbing circles in the back of his hand. 

"Well now that that's over with, we are going to start with some stretches." Everyone stares at Connor blankly. "What? Do I actually have to tell you what fucking stretches to do? Ugh. Fine. Zoe, lead everyone in the basic stretches." Zoe shoots a glare at him but starts stretching anyway. After watching how flexible Zoe is, we all follow her lead. It's a bit hard for me but I try the best I can. At least I'm not as clumsy as Jared and Michael. They have absolutely no flexibility at all. Evan though. He surprises me. He does all of Zoe's stretches with ease and actually looks pretty content. After a few more minutes, we finish. "Okay, now that that shit is over with, time to do the fun stuff."

"Oooo. You mean doing those fancy spins and leaps?" Jared asks mockingly.

"Okay first of all, those are called pirouettes and grand jetes. Second of all, that's too fucking advanced for you."

"Well okay Mr. I Know Everything About Ballet."

Connor ignores that last comment. "Everyone find a spot on the bar. We are going to do some simple positions."

We spend the next hour doing ballet. How the hell can Connor call these simple? I don't care what he says, my foot is not meant to bend this way. I try doing everything he tells me but this cast sure makes it difficult. I start in whatever is called the first position. It takes so long to get my foot in the right position. When I think I have done everything I need to, Connor tells us to bend. I wish I could just watch Jared and Micheal the whole time. They seem to be having even more of a hell of a time. I never even thought I'd see Jared try out ballet. And I don't know if I ever should have. It's so painful that it's funny. I'm so busy watching them that I don't pay attention to what position I'm in. Bending down, my leg starts to shake and I feel myself fall backwards. 

"And that is why you shouldn't watch what others are doing," Connor says near my ear, catching me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo. Writing this chapter reminded me how much I love this fanfic. Disclaimer, I am not very knowledgeable about ballet so if I have described something incorrectly, please let me know. Thankd for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! :)
> 
> Come talk to me on Tumblr:  
> Main: @with-a-little-bit-of-light  
> Fanfic: @insanelystupid  
> Writeblr: @reining-in-the-fire-writing


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dodge Proofing.

"Oh, fuck off," I say, trying to squirm out of his grasp. My cast leg somehow gets tangled between his and his balance goes off. Connor loses his hold on me and I fall to the ground...with Connor on top of me. My cast leg is still tangled and Connor has my arms trapped by my side. I can feel Connor's warm breath on my forehead and his loose strands of hair brushing my cheeks. I make the mistake of looking up into his face. He's looking down at me with an expression that I have never seen before. At least, not one I've seen aimed at _me_. My breath hitches and it takes a couple tries to speak again. "Um. Con...can you uh...can you get um...get off me?"

"Hmm?" I stare at his awestruck face a little longer before his expression closes and he quickly scrambles up, extending a hand to me. I don't take it, instead trying to balance on one knee while pushing myself up with my arms fully extended. I make it, though nearly slipping and falling again forces me to extend a hand out which unfortunately, Connor takes. I regain my balance and quickly pull my hand away, staring at my flustered reflection in the floor. The room's dead silent and I can feel everyone's gaze on us. 

"Okay. Well, um...we're done for today," Connor says, running his hand through his hair. He quickly walks away toward the lockers, putting as much distance as he can between us.

Evan all but runs at me, grabbing my arm. "You okay Carmen?"

"Yeah...yeah I am. Um. Thanks..." I catch Jared staring at me, yet another shit eating grin on his face. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing," he says, laughing. "But the sexual tension in this room right now is INSANE."

"Leave it the fuck alone Jared."

"So you admit that it's there."

"You're not getting me to admit to anything Jared."

"Oh come on, we can all tell you guys luuuuuuve each other."

I throw my hands in the air, stomping to the door. I flip Jared off before I let the door slam closed behind me. I don't know _exactly_ where we are in relation to home, but I take a relative guess and start walking. It's not long before I hear someone run up behind me. "Evan, I already told you. I'm fine!"

"Too bad I'm not Evan," Zoe says, catching up.

"I'm not really in the mood, Zo."

"That's fine but it's either me or Connor."

"What?"

"The buddy system. It's either me or Connor. Figured you didn't want to be left alone with Connor right now. Especially after...em...what happened."

"It's fine, Jared's just a dick. I'm used to it."

"I wasn't talking about that."

My face flames with embarrassment. "N-nothing...nothing happened. I'm fine...it's just...um...I don't like my personal space being invaded. Especially...especially not...not by...by Connor..." Zoe fixes me with a look that makes me feel like she can see right through me. It's kind of unnerving. 

"Nothing bad's going to happen you know."

"I, uh, I don't know what you're talking about..."

"There you guys are! Geez, give a guy a fucking workout why don'tcha?" I roll my eyes as Jared catches up to us.

"You already had a workout though," Michael pointed out, walking up to Jared.

"Exactly! Why the fuck make a guy do ANOTHER workout then?"

"Well you guys didn't have to follow us in the first place. Unless you like talking about perfume and bath bombs. Oh wait..." I plaster a surprised "o" expression on my face as I stare at Jared. Zoe is giggling beside me as Jared's face becomes rapidly redder and redder.

"I told you not to talk about that again."

"Talk about what?" Connor asks, walking up with Evan. 

"Nothing," I say innocently, shooting Jared a grin. He glares at me, mouthing something that I can't quite understand. Probably along the lines of 'I'll get you for this. Just you wait.' "Now why are all of you guys here? It's not like we have to go back to school. You can go home."

"Connor...um....he said he wants...wants to...to make our houses. Um. Dodge proof?" Evan pipes up hesitantly, looking nervously at Connor. His knuckles are white as he twists the hem of his shirt around his hands. I reach out and untangle his hands. Taking one of them, I squeeze it. He squeezes mine back, almost so hard it hurts. 

"Okay, what do you mean by Dodge proof?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

**********

"Evan! Carmen! I'm off to work! I left money on the counter for piz-" Heidi pops her head into our room. Her eyes widen when she notices everyone else. "Oh! You didn't tell me you were having friends over. Um. They can stay and have pizza too if they want!" She walks up to me. "Just make sure they clean up after themselves," she whispers. A small smile crosses my face. I know exactly what she's referring to with Jared. He has always made such a mess. Heidi turns to leave when a confused, and more than just slightly concerned expression crossed her face. "Um. Carmen? Why are there metal bars on the windows?"

"Oh...um...well. Uh. Funny story..."

"Carmen's decided to go goth!" Jared pipes up. I whip my head to glare at him. What the fuck is he talking about? 'I warned you' he mouths. I am going to strangle him one of these days. 

Heidi furrows her brow. "Uh...Carmen? Is this...is this true?" Her eyes plead for it not to be and I cringe. I know what she's worried about. Becoming goth means the prospect of changing my wardrobe, changing my room, buying new music. That all costs money and I know she thinks we can't afford it. How could Jared do this to me? Teasing him about bath bombs is one thing but this...I can't do this. I look around at everyone else in hopes that someone will come up with a better idea and say 'HA JOKE'S ON YOU'.

While I'm stuck stupidly opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water, Zoe steps up. "It is, actually." Heidi's face falls and my heart plummets. Zoe loops her arm around my shoulder, pulling me in. "But don't worry Ms. Hansen, I'll take care of her. I won't let anything harm a little hair on her head." I have a feeling she's not just talking about this goth scheme I suddenly find myself in. Heidi's shoulders slump in defeat as some of the weariness leaves. 

"And...and I wouldn't be the only one! Zoe's gonna get indigo streaks in her hair."

"I am?" I glare at Zoe. "Oh...oh yes! Yes I am! Connor and I thought it would be a good idea to get matching streaks in our hair!"

"Fuck no we didn't."

"Yes we did," Zoe says strained, playfully punching Connor's arm and smiling at Heidi.

"Oh no we didn't," Connor says in the same fake sunshine tone.

"Oh yes we did."

"No. We. Didn't."

"OKAY. Well...um. I really gotta go to work. But Carmen, do you need any um...any more money than I already gave you...for pizza?" I know she's not talking about pizza and it makes me sick. I don't want to do this to her. I really don't. 

"No, I think we're good," I say, smiling. She nods sadly as she leaves the room. We all wave goodbye. 

When she leaves the room, Zoe pushes the door closed, exhaling deeply. "We. Are. Fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it. If you want, feel free to bother me on tumblr:  
> @with-a-little-bit-of-light


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared actually has a good idea?

"Well I'm not putting indigo streaks in my hair," Connor says after we hear Heidi leave. 

"I'm not going goth period. What the hell Jared?" I whip around to shoot him my best murderous glare. He backs up towards the newly barred windows.

"What? I was just coming up with an excuse to save yourself the embarrassment of going um...um to your mom! Don't go blaming me. I was just trying to help."

"You went too far, Jared!"

"Well, what else was I supposed to say? 'Oh hey, Ms. Hansen, we're just Dodge proofing your kids' bedroom. Oh, why you ask? Well, you see...we are getting hunted by a murderous drug dealer...'"

"That doesn't mean you get to say that I'm changing everything about myself to become goth, Jared! If you hadn't noticed, that isn't really in my budget." I run my hands through my hair, pulling anxiously as I pace the length of my bedroom. What am I going to do? Oh my god. Oh my god! This can't be happening...

I'm numbly aware of someone grabbing my arm. I feebly try to twist out of the grip but they only set me down beside Evan on his bed. Looking up, I meet Connor's eyes. He quickly looks away, shoving his hands into his jean pockets. "Your pacing was driving us crazy," he says as a way of explanation before turning away. "So what's the plan then?" He asks Zoe, crossing his arms across his chest and shifting from foot to foot. He seems ready to explode at any moment, never still for more than half a second.

"Why are you asking me?" Zoe asks, glaring back at her brother. "I have no idea what to do."

"Because you seem to be the only one that seems to be in any position to act as our "leader"," Connor says, using air quotes. "Clearly we're not listening to Kleinman."

"Hey! Why not? I thought my idea was pretty good."

"How many times do I need to say that I'm NOT putting fucking indigo streaks in my hair?"

I zone out while they are arguing and focus on the feeling of Evan leaning against me. His breath is shallow and I can hear the furious scratching of his hand. I reach my hand out, palm up, against his knee. After a few more minutes of scratching, he entwines his fingers with mine, squeezing. His palms are sweaty but I focus on the grounding feeling of his hand in mine. Nothing feels real anymore. Blood roars in my ears and my head pounds with the stress of the past few days. Closing my eyes, I lean my head against Evan's shoulder. After a while, I feel the comforting weight of his head against mine before I doze off.

"Carmen?...Carmen?" I feel someone gently nudging my shoulder. I swat their hand away before nuzzling closer to Evan, unwilling to open my eyes. That is until I hear a click. I quickly lift my head, banging my head sharply against Evan's. He moans, leaning away from me. 

"Were you just taking a picture of me?!" I ask, glaring up at Connor, Jared, and Michael.

"No..." Jared says, smirking. I flip him off, slowly straightening up against the wall. "Oh, Carmen? By the way...you're drooling." 

"Fuck you! I am not!"

"Actually...you kind of are," Connor says, an amused smile on his face.

I quickly avert my eyes, wiping the definitely there drool off my chin. "Fuck," I whisper.

"At least you're pretty fucking adorable when you drool."

"Wait. You were WATCHING me sleep?!" I choke, incredulous. Connor's cheeks go a dark pink as he tries to form a proper response. Before he has the chance to, Zoe marches back into my bedroom. Wait, where did she go?

"I don't know what the fuck's going on right now but I frankly don't care. We're getting a makeover," she says as way of greeting. I don't know if I quite believe her.

"Like hell we are," Connor says, turning towards her. "I told you I'm not putting indi-"

"We're not dying your hair indigo, dick," Zoe interrupts. "We're cutting it."

"WHAT?! I'M NOT FUCKING DOING THAT!"

"STOP BEING A FUCKING ASSHOLE! IT'S THAT OR GET YOUR HAIR DYED. WHICH IS IT GONNA BE?"

"NEITHER! I'M NOT DOING ANY-"

"Connor..." I say.

He turns back towards me, his face filling with shame as he realizes the rest of us are still here. Jared and Michael are staring at him in a shocked silence, terror written all over their faces. His gaze lands on me and Evan. Evan hunched into a ball, his hands clapped over his ears, my arm around him. 

Connor lowers his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers. Evan hesitantly takes his hands from his ears, staring wearily back at him. Connor looks back over at Zoe, narrowing his eyes. "But why the fuck do I need to get my hair done in the first place?"

Zoe sighs through her nose. "Because Jared has a point." Connor continues glaring at her until she puts her hands up in defense. "Hear me out. He said that Carmen is going goth right?"

"Except I'm not!"

Ignoring me, she continues. "Well it got me thinking...it IS probably a good idea to have disguises. You know? To lower our chances of getting attacked?"

"I can't actually fucking believe I'm about to say this but you're right..."

"HA!" Jared yells triumphantly. "See? My idea was BRILLIANT!"

Connor rolls his eyes. "Can it, Kleinman."

"ANYWAY. So you think I need to go goth?" I bite the inside of my cheek nervously, letting Evan take my hand again. 

"It'll...I mean it has to be...everything will be... will be alright. Right?" Evan looks up at Zoe and Connor, his eyes pleading. 

"Right," Connor says, surprising me by sitting down on my other side. Without another argument, he looks up at Zoe. "So, what's the plan?"

"We all need to get makeovers."

"Wait...what kind of makeovers?" Michael asks, looking around at each of us.

"Well...Carmen can maybe go a little darker?" I open my mouth to interject but I don't have a chance. "And Connor...well he can either become even more of an edgelord..." Connor sticks his tongue out at her. "Or he can go back to his middle school roots."

"No. NO. Not middle school..." Connor puts his head in his hands, twiddling with his hair. 

"What happened in middle school?" I ask, looking between Zoe and Connor.

Zoe grins, laughing. "He was such a fucking nerd! He had these huge stupid glasses that just amplified his eyes. And his hair..." Zoe doubled over laughing. Connor groaned beside me. "His hair was like this fluffy mess on the top of his head. Like I don't think there's ever been a time where his hair ever stuck down for him. It was always sticking up in a fluffy...halo." Zoe gestures around her head before ruffling her hair, pointing at it. "If you thought my hair is fluffy, you should see his."

"Okay. I think she gets it," Connor says, his voice muffled as he rubs his face.

"Aww. It sounds cute." I boldly reach out and ruffle his hair. He leans away for a second before relaxing, the tips of his ears reddening quite a bit. "I can't believe you wore glasses."

"I still kind of do," he says. "I wear contacts most of the time. It's a pain in the ass." He turns toward Zoe, who's still laughing. "So it's either become my fucking nerdiest self? Or color my hair?"

Zoe takes a deep breath, trying to stop most of her laughing. "Yup."

Connor sighs. "I guess I'm cutting my hair then."

Zoe freezes, staring wide-eyed at Connor. "Wait. You're serious?"

He shrugs. "What else am I supposed to fucking do? Dying my hair will just make me stand out even more."

Zoe claps her hands and jumps up and down. "YASSS. MALL TRIP! I'm going to text Alana and tell her to meet us there." Before I can get a word in, she's gone. My heart sinks. We're really doing this, aren't we?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to come bug me on Tumblr:  
> @with-a-little-bit-of-light


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe takes Carmen and Jared shopping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay! I meant to post this a while ago but writer's block has been a jerk lately. Thank you for your patience!

"I am NOT wearing that," I say, staring at the lacey monstrosity that Zoe is holding up. "I never even agreed to this in the first place. How much even is that?" 

"Oh come on, Carmen. We're all getting makeovers. And since you are the-" Zoe looks around quickly. "The main attraction, you need the most work done."

"You're making me sound like a fucking carnival ride that broke down and needs fixing."

"Can you stop? Look, just try it on at least all right?" I glare at Zoe for a few more seconds. When she doesn't back down, I hastily grab the velvety material out of her hands and turn towards the other clothing racks. I hate this idea. It's not me. It feels too dirty to even be doing this. Like I'm actively trying to make fun of someone by faking this...whatever _this_ is. I mindlessly search through the clothes. None of it anything I would ever be able to afford.

Zoe piles item after item over my arms. It gets to the point that they are actually shaking. Is Connor making Evan go through the same thing? What kind of makeover is he forcing him to undergo? My anxiety flares up at the thought. I should have insisted on staying with him. It doesn't feel right without him.

"Carmen? Carmeeennn?" Fingers snap in front of my face and I jerk back, nearly dropping the pile of clothes in my arms.

"Ahhhh! Don't do that!"

"What else was I supposed to do? You were like. Majorly zoned out. But anyway, I need you to go try those on now," Zoe says, nodding towards the clothes.

"Ugh. Finnnnee." I march towards the change room, slamming the door with my foot before unceremoniously dumping the clothes on the chair. This is going be a long day. 

I try on each and every article of clothing, showing Zoe. She scans me intently, making me do thousands of twirls. I've never done something like this with a friend before. It makes me feel awkward and bare. She claps and whistles every time I come out of the change room with something way too tight and revealing, making it even worse. I avoid the eyes of everyone who passes by. And I swear the more clothes I try on, the harder it is for me to breathe. I just can't get the image of Heidi's disappointed face out of my mind. How everyone will react when I walk into school on Monday like this. How I won't ever be able to afford this. How I have to throw away everything I am for whatever shit I've found myself in-

"Carmen, hey..." I feel someone's hand on my shoulder and snap my eyes up to meet Zoe's. I find myself slumped against the wall, catching my breath. "You're going to be okay alright? We'll buy everything that you liked and then we'll go see what hideousness Jared has come up with okay?" I nod my head rapidly, terrified of what I might say if I open my mouth. She helps me into a sitting position, grabbing the remainder clothes and ducking out of the room. I take my time changing, letting my breathing steady out. I'm fine. We'll be fine. It's only temporary, right? I mean I won't have to stay like this after this stuff is figured out, right? 

_If this is going to be figured out. You don't know that it will._ Right.

I walk out of the change room, panicking at first when I can't find Zoe. Then I see a hand waving from across the store and slowly walk over to where she is standing with Jared. She holds out a bottle of water and I take it gratefully. "So I guess Jared hasn't found anything," she says, glaring at him. 

"Well sorry if I don't want to fucking Connorify myself."

Zoe throws up her hands. "Then what the fuck do you want to dress as?"

Jared shrugs. "I don't know. Just not...that," he says, gesturing vaguely at the store. 

"Well...that's really fucking helpful. Thank you, Jared."

He grins. "You're welcome." 

Zoe turns away in exasperation, marching up to the store counter where a girl stands. Her hostile expression brightens when Zoe walks up. Jared and I follow closely behind. "Hi, Natalie. How's it going?"

"Same old. Same old. Business is pretty slow today. But you know. Still better than being at home."

"Oh I can relate," Zoe says with a bitter smile. "How's your mom doing by the way?"

"Ehh. Not great. But she's still better than she was I guess...anyway whatcha buying today?"

"Oh, I'm just helping my friend here buy some new clothes." She gestures to where I'm standing and I give her a lame little wave before shrinking behind Jared. I don't register that Zoe has paid for my clothes until she has already done it. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Natalie. See you later," Zoe says, waving at the girl before walking out of the store.

"Zoe. You...you really didn't have to pay for those. I can...I'll pay you back."

Zoe waves dismissively. "Don't bother. My parents are loaded remember?"

I laugh nervously. "Right. I...I forgot." Jared looks over at me briefly with concern before leading the way. We end up at the Nike store. Taking a brief look around the store, I am glad I have never wanted to buy anything from here. Zoe stops by the door, leaning against the frame. We watch as Jared browses through the clothes, taking particular interest in the shoes. "Aren't we going to go in with him?"

"Nah. I'm the 'bodyguard', not a fucking fashion advisor."

"But you were basically a fashion advisor for me," I say, trying to forget the heavy feeling of clothes in my arms.

"That's different though. With you, it's actually fun. This just reminds me of suit shopping with my parents." She looks behind her, craning her neck and muttering under her breath. I try not to concentrate on the nagging feeling that we are being watched. I really just want to go home. Though...is home even safe anymore? I turn my attention back to Jared, who is now looking at a few colorful hoodies. I watch him take possibly the ugliest ones I've ever seen before going onto the next section. This is going to take forever. 

"Why were you-" Before I can finish my sentence, Zoe's expression changes and she starts waving frantically. 

"Finally. ALANA, over here!"

"So much for not being conspicuous," I mutter, watching as Alana comes skipping up to us. Her entire appearance is crisp and pristine, with her hair tied neatly into a high ponytail and a pink blouse tucked carefully into the waist of her black skirt.

"I'm sorry I'm late. They needed extra help at the animal shelter today," she says in her sickly sweet voice, pasting a smile that just screams 'trying too hard'. Zoe doesn't think anything of it and pulls her into a tight hug. Huh. I didn't know they were that close. 

"You didn't miss much. We're just waiting for Sports guy over there to finish up," I say, pointing to where Jared is back staring at the shoes.

Alana blinks at me, noticing me for the first time. "Oh! Carmen, hi! I didn't know you were going to be here..." Her gaze travels to the giant, overfilled bags in our hands. Her eyes spark with excitement and recognition. "Oh! You're the girl with the identity crisis that Zoe was telling me about! What made you want to change?"

I flash Alana a hesitant smile. "I..uh...erm...well..." I look to Zoe for help but she only widens her eyes with a big grin, indicating that I'm on my own. "I..uh. I don't know. Just needed a change I-"

"Okay, so I got a few pairs of shoes, some rad basketball shorts and sweatshirts, and oh. Look at this fucking awesome snapback. It's the perfect disgui-" Jared says, walking up to us. He cuts his sentence short when he looks up and meets Alana's gaze. He snaps his mouth closed, smiling tightly at Alana. "Oh hey, Banana-Lana."

"Will you quit calling me that? And you really should stop swearing Jared. It's a really bad habit to get into." Alana's smile becomes faker if that's even possible, her whole composure tensing as she entwines her hands together.

Jared snorts. "As if _you've_ never sworn before."

"I haven't!"

"Uh hm, suuuure." Jared sighs imperceptibly, catching my eye. Zoe has her arm looped through Alana's, tugging her around the mall. When she has the chance, she whips her head around to glare at Jared. I can practically hear her voice in that simple gesture. We're gonna have to be more careful, especially when we're shopping with Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to bug me on my Tumblr:  
> Main: @with-a-little-bit-of-light  
> Fanfic: @insanelystupid


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